#chippy talks

Me about Fallout 76

I'm considering changing my anti depressant, not because it doesn't work, it does, but because I often feel pukey and sick after I take it. It works pretty well though, so kinda unsure about changing, more so right before the start of a new college semester and stress. I mean, the best working one I had of the precious three I tried I had to switch because my small normal shakiness turned really bad where a glass of water showed how bad I shook and couldn't hold my hand steady. I was terrified it could have become permanent so I switched, but feeling sick after I don't have that worry, it's just crappy as hell I get dizzy at times and feel like I'll puke, sometimes do. So really considering it. I see my therapist on Monday so imma talk to her about it, haven't really mentioned it before but the more I up the med to make it work more for me and less small slips, the more often I feel sick. So maybe some opinions from someone? Seriously, I don't really bring up my rl problems because I don't care much for those type of blogs, they do get annoying, but venting and kinda talking about it is therapeutic and make me feel better.

I feel alone. I feel lonely. It wasn’t this bad earlier today/yesterday but I still feel lonely. I shouldn’t I know, and I’d be constantly told and asked ‘why? You have no reason too you just want attention’ and maybe I do subconsciously, maybe that’s why I post my vent pieces, because I’m some kind of attention whore. I can’t really stop these moments of hollow feeling, I can’t do the 'think positive that’s all you need you aren’t trying hard enough!’ thing, never have. I don’t think the feeling of feeling alone helps today because someone who was my best friend from junior high to her first year of college stayed over the weekend. She turned after the first year into quite a bitch who only speaks to me every other month, that every time would talk of her new best friend that is so similar to me it’s freaky and how she’s better than me in so many ways and does the things her and I did better, like our all night chats where we would fall asleep talking because they have to force themselves to sleep or they never would stop talking. Like, great, wow, thanks for the reminder how easily replaceable I am. I know she’s only here because with it summer and her out of college for it, she doesn’t have her friends so last resort. The entire time she’s been playing my video games, reading my books, when I offer to make her some scrambled eggs as I was going to for me, because I don’t have some weird ass cheese, she 'will take sunny side up instead’ which even if I could make them, I won’t. She has this pissy look if I try to talk to her 'too much’ so it isn’t helping how I feel. I already get this shit from my dad and grandmother who tell me constantly I’m nothing but a 'selfish spoiled brat and child’ despite how I don’t scream at people and each other like they do. That I know to walk away when my anger comes up, that I’m trying to have control over being severely bi polar. It really doesn’t help it’s my birthday. Doesn’t help that like many years, my birthday is on fathers day yet again. It doesn’t help I feel so alone that it hurts and that it’s in the way that I just want to be further alone because I feel I don’t deserve better or anyone would do it outside of pity. I don’t know what I want, maybe just to feel normal, be one of the 'nerudivergent’ this fucking site makes out to be criminals while praising mentally ill as fucking superior beings, that feeling this way is the newest fashion statement because it gives oppression points. I just want to be fucking normal. I just want to feel happy and normal without having to take meds, because being depressed and suicidal isn’t beautiful, that my meds keep me from the edge so often and I hate I have to rely on them so much. I hate the people that call others who need them to breath without a lump in their throat and blackhole in the chest are pathetic and don’t try enough. I’m sick of so many things and this all wasn’t what I thought I’d write and I’m not sure how it got here. I’m just tired. Of feeling alone despite having an awesome girlfriend, despite having a few close friends I trust and care for and know they care for me too, that I have a mom and three sisters that love me and a step dad that loves me too. I’m tired of being sick in a way people on this site envy. I’m just tired so much, that my happiness comes in bursts then I slipped back down. I’m tired and maybe because I haven’t been able to sleep and its 6 am, so it isn’t helping. I’m posting this for me I’ve decided, not sure why but it makes sense in a way. I have to be sure and be up because they want to do birthday lunch at a place they like despite how I don’t want to go out. Happy birthday me, welcome to being 23.