#cheyward

After 2 years and 4 months, I chose to speak to my ex-boyfriend, Edward.  It felt like old times a little but there was something different about the man I was speaking to now, and the one I wanted to marry 2 years ago.

He gave up on trying to fight the sin issues that were consuming him when we stopped talking.  He has very little shame in those matters now.  Bitterness is also taken a hold of him.   I think I am currently a target of that and already our time of talking might be over.

I think we handled being platonic friends well.  It was hard for me knowing I could do nothing to help him, and he wasn't helping himself.

Even if he opes to cut me off again, I think us talking now was good.  It erased the over romanticized version of him that I remembered from dating him.  I am finally over him and free.

This happening at the same time that I am allowing myself to date again (May 1 was the date I picked 16 months ago) I don't think is coincidence.  God knew the timing of this all.

Even though I feel like Edward and I are past Jim Elliot's "undefined silence" I am still avoiding him and I'm not comfortable with the reason.  Giving each other space for recovery has become a shell for fear of leading him away to control the relationship.

I haven't felt comfortable with how I last scared off Edward in the PM war.  I have treated strangers in the train more politely.  Edward has returned to the forum to try to get a mafia game going.  Since I spend much web time with the forum's current mayoral staff, I made sure his efforts were noted.

What if in web posting Edward and I make contact?

It was a perplexing question that gave me a reason to think even while taking out Abuela's trash.  I had a dream where I returned to the northern Bible college and modified my class schedule to avoid him.  Even resorting to running when I had to.

I will be lukewarm (friendly but not open) to him and never engage him in conversation privately even if it is to scare him off.

I learned to not be weird around my exgirlfriend.  I can do that with Edward, right?

I asked God why He had allowed it.  Given our relationship a temporary blessing instead of one meant for life.  Surely He wouldn't allow this much pain without a reason.

I now have some of the reason.

A young man came to me knowing my at this point very unclosetted past, he confirmed the stories he heard, asked question and opened up to me and asked for help.  In addition to being unable to stop watching porn, he had over the past nine months lost track of how many people he had slept with.  He is also under the threat of being kicked out of the house.

First thing I did was still the same; pray.  Second thing I did was say I wouldn't be help but I would get help.  I contacted my Reformers Unanimous leader and determined that I wouldn't do anything without counsel from people that knew better than I did.

Since I can as for assistance from my school staff now that I'm out of the closet, it all seems like blessed timing.