#chen.words

Stories from the road #3

It was 9pm on a Friday night. I was sending the final revisions for the deck that I was working on while retouching my make-up. Ready for another night out in the city! The perfect way to end the stressful work-week.

I met with some of my friends in Nokal, one of our favorite hang-out spots in Poblacion. I enjoy Friday nights like this, sipping a cold beer while laughing with my friends. The energy around us was just starting to build as people from different parts of the city flocked to Poblacion to drink as well.

I didn’t come from the city. I came from quieter part of Cavite, a few hours away from Makati. However, I spent more time in this place in the last 5 years than in my hometown. The city has seen me grow from a wide-eyed fresh graduate trying to make it big in the advertising world, to an overworked and seemingly lost public relations manager in her mid-twenties.

This city has seen me during my first wins in the advertising field. It has seen me during my breakdowns and my frustrations; has witnessed me make friends and fail at dating; has watched me at my best and worst of times.

Do I hate this place? Sometimes. The traffic gets really bad especially on rainy days, rush hours and worst of all, holidays. If you’re not careful, a sneaky thief might steal your wallet or your phone. Food, liquor and rent prices are all expensive. It’s hard to find a ride home most of the time especially if you’re travelling from the city back to your hometown.

But despite that, I’ve also considered this city as my second home. I loved staring at the city lights especially when I’m in one of my favorite bars in Makati. I enjoyed crazy nights with my friends; dancing, laughing, crying over work, cursing boys who broke our hearts, getting drunk and talking, always talking, about our hopes, dreams, frustrations, and fears.

I enjoyed walking around, watching people from all walks of life just trying to survive and make a living - just like me. I loved the quirky cafes where I escape to read, the hole-in-the-wall restaurants where I tried to find love and failed, eating my favorite Pad Thai after a very stressful night in the office, drinking milkshakes at 3am, getting so drunk that I puked on the streets and wonder how I got home.

These moments - these are the reasons why this city will always have a special place in my heart. 

I found solace here while I was trying to find myself. And for that, I will forever be grateful.

There’s this quote from Bojack horseman that I really like. Recently, I’ve been thinking about it a lot because I could relate to it.

This year, I tried to get into casual dating again. I’ve met met many great guys (lol who am I kidding? Most of them are trash but whatever) here and there and since I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, I thought that a casual setup would really suit me well.

So months into this experiment that I brought upon myself, I met this guy. He was okay, not my usual type, but he’s definitely a good conversationalist. He was smart and funny, and though we had a lot of differences, we got along just fine. Basically, he became my constant. He wasn’t looking for a relationship and so was I. Hence, our casual relationship began.

We dated other people but we would still talk everyday. We would often meet, either in coffee shops or to do random things. We had a lot of fun dates and shared a lot of good conversations. 

Here’s the catch: I started to feel different. I didn’t mean for it to happen but here I am. I knew from the beginning that what he only wanted from me was something casual, nothing more. We would often talk about our feelings but it was clear that I wasn’t the girl he’d want for a relationship.

Boy, it felt weird. He’s starting to really like this other girl that he’s been seeing and I didn’t like what I felt when I learned about it. He was so open to me about everything and somehow, I wished I didn’t know these things so I wouldn’t be hurt and be able to go on just fine with our casual setup.

There were a lot of red flags already in the recent weeks. He’s been talking to me less and has been seeing her more often. I would sometimes ask him out and he would decline. It hurts, yes, but then again this was all “casual” so I had no right to feel bad. 

I know I should’ve been more honest with him about my feelings and I am aware that once I started to feel this way, I should already bid him goodbye. But, in some deeper part of me, there was still this tiny twinge of hope that I could still enjoy what we have before it’s gone. 

I just really hated the fact that it was him that made me feel different about casual dating. I felt like I was at the losing end. 

It was drizzling outside. I snuggled closer, watching the rain pour on your windshield. We were sitting comfortably inside your car, listening to our favorite indie bands as we always do. I’ve always enjoyed our little moments like this, quiet and comfortable.

I would always press my ear on your chest and wonder if I make your heart skip a beat. Who was I kidding? Of course I don’t. Your heart was something that I could own for a moment, but only for a moment. It would never be mine.

For a while, it was enough.

I don’t know when I started to feel something different between us. Maybe it was in our quiet moments in between. The soft good night kisses, singing songs together on our way home, your hand gently caressing my hair whenever I would tell you how bad my day was, your eyes and the way you would quietly stare at me as if I was special. 

For a while, they were enough.

We had an agreement and it was clear from the start. No attachments. No feelings. How did we end up like this? I can barely remember. 

Maybe things started to change when you allowed me to be vulnerable. When I accidentally let my walls down and allowed you in. Do you know how protective I was of my feelings?

I never let anyone in. But things changed with you and that’s when I knew I was in trouble.

I was okay with our boundaries. I was okay with only having you for a moment. I was okay with just the quiet little moments.

But now, I know they’re not enough.

As I sit quietly inside your car while listening to you hum, I realized that this may be the beginning of the end. It would hurt for a while, I know. I would miss you and your stupid jokes, that I’m sure of. 

I never thought I would fall.

“Let’s go home?” you asked quietly while rubbing my arm. I gave you a small nod. 

“Last,” you whispered, while giving me a tight hug. I melted in your embrace and felt your smile in return. As you caressed my hair for the last time that night, a thought crossed my mind.

I dreamt of you last night. The dream felt so real as if you were really there. I can remember clearly every single detail of that dream. We were walking hand in hand along a mountain trail. I was finally able to get you on one of my wanderings. You were laughing at a story I told you about my first ever hike which wasn’t meant to be a hike at all, just an ocular visit but we went up to the summit anyway even when I was wearing the wrong pair of shoes since we were already there. You were also wearing the wrong pair of shoes and I laughed at you for being so clumsy and cute and mine. Or maybe not. But you held my hand as if I was yours to keep.

We are friends, I remind myself. And friends are allowed to hold hands and comfort each other.

It’s been what? 5 years? 6? And ever since then I’ve dated countless boys and was only able to fall in love twice—with my long term ex and you. You.

Yours was the strongest pull that I’ve been fighting all along because I don’t want to put a dent on our wonderful friendship. I suck at relationships and you knew that. I would tell you all the times I’ve fucked up at dating and you would laugh at me as we drove along your car. And you would also tell me about this girl and that and how it never worked out.

You looked so happy that night in my dream and I wished you would always stay like that. I wanted to pull the sadness out of you but I couldn’t. I wasn’t yours to keep. I was just your stop over and not your destination.

The girl who always left.

Losing interest after several messages. Not showing up again after the first date. They say I get so damn tired easily, I move from one guy to the next. There's just no pausing, no staying. There was no commitment.

I simply left.

But the truth was, I used to always be the one to stay.

I fought for the relationship when things got rough. I stayed through the thick and the thin, and I hoped and never lost faith despite all the clear warning signs that the relationship was at a dead end.

I stayed for the guys whom they said were only going to cause trouble. I stayed for the guys who said, "I'll be there for you", but the next day or so, they're gone. I remained despite the broken promises and the charred words. I waited for things to clear despite the obvious rough patches. And I fought my way to get things right when clearly, I was the only one left fighting. 

I remained even though I was second best. I stayed despite being the only one who cared. I put his happiness first before mine because what mattered for me was that he was happy, even when I no longer wasn't. 

But things change. And so here I am, the girl who always left. 

I decided to fight for my own because I got tired of being taken for granted. I built my walls around me from the pieces of myself that were left after every heart break. I burned the unnecessary bridges and made sure nobody could crumble me to pieces.I got tired of listening to all the flowery promises and I stopped believing in the rainbows and flowers after all the storm because I've been through a lot. And people get tired.

I used to be the one to stay. And maybe, I won't be that girl anytime soon.

These are my feelings that I have bottled up for the past year. It has been in my drafts for a long time now and I figured, it's time to publish it because I now have become clear of how I feel. For the first time ever, I've been rational and decisive about my feelings and I'm pouring them out here today. A few hours until New Year and I now know I'm letting them all go (especially him). So here it is. *sighs loudly*

A wild chaos is what I am and he tried his best to understand me. Before we met, I was already an unpredictable mess, wanting one thing after another and then the next day I forget all about them. Honestly, I wasn't so sure of what I wanted at all. I was just chasing after the wind, yet inside I was holed up and hurting. I was insecure, I was sad, I was frustrated. When we met he wanted to fix me up and I am glad he took the risk despite knowing that with me there is nothing you could ever be sure of. He took the risks and he said being with me was like an everyday adventure. It was exhilarating. 

I took the risk too. I didn't know I could stay with someone for so long when I was born to run, to collect different parts of me in places I go to, to complete myself with the strangers I meet, with the stories I've read. I am not home, I am not someone who stays in one place forever. He tried to tame that he tried to contain that because he was home and I found peace in his beating heart, I found love whenever I am locked in his embrace. But I cannot stay. Not forever.

Like Summer and maybe even Alaska, I am constantly changing. He was scared that one day I'll wake up and everything has changed. I can't promise to stay but I'll try. And that's what I did. But I can't be kept forever. I can't split his head open with worry whenever I'm away. I can't make him ache for me, can't make him long for me. I'm sorry baby but I can't make you hurt anymore. So like a bird you set me free.

I taste your lips and feel your breath, I remember your touch on my hips and chest. Your lips on my nape, your eyes so deep I get to dive in your emotions. I miss the good memories but I can't bring them with me. The part of me who fell in love with these must remain with you, and the other parts of me are destined to fly.