#chenny writes

My heart has been heavy for weeks, having been disappointed with everything- my family, my life choices, the people who left- everything just disappointed me and nothing could cheer me up. I wanted to cry but no tears would come. Everyday I’ve struggled to keep things normal when inside I was breaking and falling apart. I hated to talk about my feelings with my friends because I didn’t want to be a burden. I felt like I was burden in some way whenever I share my feelings with others. So instead I bottled everything in.

I’ve struggled to find my self worth because I grew up thinking that I should please everyone. I was trained to always smile,“be polite”, “don’t be rude”, “it will pass”, “stop asking questions”, “you should always look good”. I was taught that I should look like this, be like that. 

But eventually, I got tired. I got tired of pretending that I’m fine when I’m not. Everyday, I have tried to accept myself for who I am- flaws and all. It wasn’t easy, especially when you were bullied growing up. But I’m working on it now, and i will get there eventually. 

When you get used to trying to put yourself in a box to meet everyone’s expectations, you lose your identity. I came to a point where I barely even know who I am anymore. I’ve been defined a thousand times by everyone else, I don’t even know the right words to say when it comes to who I am. 

So I’ve decided I’m done trying to please everyone even though my current career path entails me to. I’m done. 

I won’t say I’m at peace right now (knowing how indecisive I am), but so far I can say that I am better than the last time I opened this blog. Forgive me if all I’ve been writing lately are sad stories. I swear my life isn’t as bad. As a matter of fact, I have a lot of good stories to share. I just haven’t found the time to write about them yet. But I’ll share them, I promise.

Funny how when I started to blog back in highschool, my biggest dilemma was not having enough adventures to write about. I wanted to start a travel and art blog but knowing my limits (parental supervision + budget + school works), I know I’d have to start writing about the things that I have. Eventually, the adventures came. Now, I have a bunch of stories to share but not enough time to write about them. And sadly, when I have a few free hours to spare, I’m either feeling down or weary, so I end up writing about my thoughts and emotions at that moment.

To be honest, I can say that I am much better now. I’ve been praying for wisdom lately. You know how hard it is for me to make wise decisions and these past few months, I found myself spontaneously plunging into one decision after another without thinking about the consequences of my actions. I can’t make stupid mistakes now, I need to be careful. I read somewhere that 20s is a critical stage in a person’s life. Your decisions can make or break you. Well, yes I’m only 21 and I have all the time in the world to be wild and free, but still, you need to be wise and responsible. And ironically, “wise” and “responsible” are so-not in my lifestyle.

I have no regrets though, those past few months were a bliss and I can say that I will always look back on those days with a big smile on my face. But it’s time to face reality now, it’s time to be wise.

So, I prayed and asked God to help me be content with my situation. You see, when we pray, it’s either God changes the situation or God changes our hearts. As of the moment, I knew that God would change the heart (no matter how stubborn I am). Suddenly I am finding myself happy and content with my job, with my circumstances, and with everything that’s happening in my life. 

I’m still a work in progress though. We all are. Breathe in, breathe out. I’d tell myself. “Everything is perfectly fine,” I would remind myself.