#chasing rambles

(Unfiltered) Northern Michigan Sunset

Cuz like, having regular sex for the most consecutive months in my life, and still never getting off or ever once feeling ~that way~ you're "supposed" to feel during sex with my partner, I finally start to think for the first time in my 28 years that huh. Maybe I just... don't like sex?

Which is almost fucking stupid cuz asexuality is not some new concept for me, my best friend of nearly 10 years is a proud and open ace, and several other aspec folks have fallen into my bestie circle since.

But hey, allonormativity is a hell of a drug.

Anyway, almost immediate immense relief followed by one epiphany after another.

And months of these revelations later (aka tonight) I randomly have the thought about how, despite my normally rather peppy and talkative personality, I would always go really quiet during sex. No talking.

And for YEARS I thought it was some cute quirk and waxxed poetic about how it must calm and center me or some bullshit and it was ONLY JUST NOW at nearly 29 years of age that I realized

I WAS FUCKING TRAUMATIZED AND TRIGGERED???

Which like, no fucking shit??? Of course I was?? How could I not be, first of all, and second of all, allonormativity is a HELL of fucking drug cuz I how did I miss that??

And after getting over the initial aha moment, and my absolutely hysterical laughter had died down, I literally just shrugged and was like

"Oops" 😅

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“I’ve missed this.” 

Liz hummed the words into Max’s collar bone, pressing close as his arms wrapped around her. Her leg slipped between his, and the cotton of his boxers tickled against her bare thigh as she tilted her head up, nose sliding against his chin.

“I love you,” he whispered back. The words slid across Liz’s ear like a shiver. She pressed up, finding his lips and grabbing his face; words never seemed to catch up to action where Max Evans was concerned. She vocalized the words back, resulting in little more than a desperate moan as she slid her body atop his.

His hands came to rest at her hips, long fingers nearly meeting over her spine as her back dipped and raised like a wave, heat pooling low in response to the light touch. Max kissed back gently, holding her close as sweet little noises bubbled up from his throat.

God, but she loved this man.

It had been too long - months - since she’d gotten to touch him, and she wasn’t going to waste a second of it. The room seemed to blur and swirl around them, so insignificant in the presence of Max that it almost seemed to disappear. She wanted more of him - wanted to feel the heat and weight of him.

Pressing her thighs tight around him, Liz lurched to the left, falling back onto the bed and pulling Max with her, barely giving him a moment to chuckle and catch his balance before her lips were on his again. He seemed to read her mind, pressing down heavy atop her as she tucked her calves against the backs of his thighs. Liz was almost surprised she could still breathe through the pressure on her lungs, but she didn’t spare it a full thought - she needed this too badly. She slid one hand into his hair as the other slipped up over his shoulder and down his arm to intertwine her fingers with his, squeezing with both hands.

It was close to bliss, this feeling. Max slipped inside her - she didn’t even remember getting naked - and Liz groaned, body clenching at the feeling. She’d almost forgotten what this felt like, she’d almost started to lose the memories, she’d come so close to losing him forever-

No. She was Liz Ortecho. Not even death could keep Max from her.

Liz gasped awake and lurched forward to sit up, tossing the sheet and leaving a cold draft of air in its wake. She shivered, breath heaving in and out of her body as she blinked in the darkness around her. She was alone in the bed, and it took the moment of her eyes adjusting for her to realize this was not the bed at Max’s. 

This was her apartment in California.

me: oh right i have that other thing i should get done

me: *opens other thing and starts working on it*

me: *gets distracted, goes back to to-do list, opens third thing*

me: *gets distracted, sees window with first thing, works on it for a couple minutes*

me: *glances over and sees second thing on the other screen*

me: oh right i was working on that, i should finish that!