Helping People Help Themselves
I have always tried to place a lot of focus on my own personal mind. My intentions and reality havenât always matched up very well. I have learned that is ok. My thinking noodle, my brain, my mind. My feelings and emotions. The balance of emotions and thoughts and actions make up my well-being. I try to be purposeful with my actions based on the thought/emotion balance. My actions, however, havenât always matched my reality.Â
I have ADHD. I also have blue eyes and all ten toes. My left pinky toe is a hammer toe though. I donât know if itâs the end of the chain or beginning of my tight neck, shoulders, and back. But my ADHD, itâs a lot like my back pain. You canât see it, but it plays a large role in my life. It is a constant driving force for my behavior and emotions. I am 33 years old and was diagnosed in 2020 with ADHD. Before that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder type two in 2019, which is a very common occurrence. I took a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and eventually a sleeping pill due to these wrong medications messing me up more than I already was.Â
I eventually changed therapists and she helped quickly get to the bottom of my situation. I stopped taking the BP medications and started out just trying new behavior modifications and grounding techniques, my regular therapy, more exercise, more water. But ADHD was still in control of the steering wheel of my life. I was afraid to try the traditional stimulant meds most commonly prescribed for ADHD. I have had pretty severe back pain since an 8th grade trampoline accident that I never sought true help for. I have always been afraid of ever trying traditionally abused pills and harder drugs. I just started smoking pot at the same time as this accident and it helped unknowingly with my ADHD symptoms and back pain simultaneously. Pot helped in the same way that someone who needs glasses and has them, but they just arenât the correct prescription. My reality was still foggy due to the internal chatter of the ADHD symptoms I experience.Â
ex: All of my education was a struggle. from kindergarten until I dropped out of college. The amount of energy required for me to be a C student is more than it should take. More than for most people. And when I became overwhelmed with this reality I would do a few things to âhelpâ . Sleep, smoke, or do things that were risky. Skateboard and try things that were way above my level resulting in me usually getting hurt, For sleep, it didnât matter if I was at home, a friends, or in school. Some how I managed to get by with most of my teachers not bothering me on my bad days and allowed me to just put my head down all through class. I also had very long hair that was usually in my face regardless so I could be sitting up and half asleep, too. I smoked pot before school, a lot of times during school, on my way home from school, and up until I went to sleep.Â
I donât become angry when I realize how different my life could have been if i had been diagnosed much earlier in life, and that would have probably been great Iâm sure. But despite my hardships and âlostâ time, I wouldnât change it now even if I could. You see, I donât enjoy solitude naturally. I love people and all that life has to offer. IF I had received that early diagnoses as a kid and finished school well, and graduated college I wouldnât have this passion to want to help other people who struggle alone like I did my whole life. You may see my life from an outsiders point of view and it may not seem that bad. And itâs not. I love my life. But hereâs the key ingredient. Potential. Iâve been operating at 50% or 60% of my potential.Â
Three days ago I gave up the fears and spoke with my therapist and have started taking Adderall. From day one of starting that medication, I have been steadily feeling like I am gaining back that lost potential. My mind is starting to do what I ask of it. My emotions are becoming regulated and significantly less overwhelming and downright enjoyable. Iâm not being triggered from over stimulus into near panic attacks. I am recognizing shifts in my emotions and able to pause and see where the change came from to check itâs validity or not. If I choose to sit with an emotion now, it is because I decided to, not because my body is out of control.Â
From here I can only go up and I hope to bring as many of you with me. This story isnât over, come on back now!
Side note: ADHD is genetic and a person is born with it. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder of our brains. We lack the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine. Boys and girls can have it and it doesnât look the same in every person. So donât neglect the signs if your kid is struggling. And many many adults are walking around with ADHD unknowingly just barley surviving. Reach out, you just may help someone out of the gutter