#chasewithin

I’ve been given the words I never had before to express what my reality is like. After reading this article I felt as if I had an better understanding of what I go through moment to moment. The part about thinking of five things at once and how it is like having five people try to talk to you at once was like a gut punch to me. 

I have to wear a watch because my phone is to far away for me to stay on time. I rely on alarms for things people just do. I have notes for notes. On top of this i am horrible at organizing and planning. I try no doubt, but usually can’t figure out what to do now as opposed to way down the line. My order of operations is a scattered mess at best. I very much can start with tasks in a place that wouldn’t be the “beginning” only ending up wasting time. 

Speaking to the moment gave me the patience to sit with the feeling and alter my own perspective. My consciousness swept the fear aside that comes with leaning over a sheer drop. Forcing the body to defy the mind and perhaps enduring the emotional pain of ignorance to gain the understanding, the viewpoint to be engulfed with nature’s beauty. Not looking down or up , not sitting frozen in angst, but stepping into the security of faith. The bird does not fear the height at which it sores. It does not know the physics of what it does. The bird steps into its own instinct and acts on what it knows.

Happiness First

Helping People Help Themselves

I have always tried to place a lot of focus on my own personal mind. My intentions and reality haven’t always matched up very well. I have learned that is ok. My thinking noodle, my brain, my mind. My feelings and emotions. The balance of emotions and thoughts and actions make up my well-being. I try to be purposeful with my actions based on the thought/emotion balance. My actions, however, haven’t always matched my reality. 

I have ADHD. I also have blue eyes and all ten toes. My left pinky toe is a hammer toe though. I don’t know if it’s the end of the chain or beginning of my tight neck, shoulders, and back. But my ADHD, it’s a lot like my back  pain. You can’t see it, but it plays a large role in my life. It is a constant driving force for my behavior and emotions. I am 33 years old and was diagnosed in 2020 with ADHD. Before that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder type two in 2019, which is a very common occurrence. I took a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and eventually a sleeping pill due to these wrong medications messing me up more than I already was. 

I eventually changed therapists and she helped quickly get to the bottom of my situation. I stopped taking the BP medications and started out just trying new behavior modifications and grounding techniques, my regular therapy, more exercise, more water. But ADHD was still in control of the steering wheel of my life. I was afraid to try the traditional stimulant meds most commonly prescribed for ADHD. I have had pretty severe back pain since an 8th grade trampoline accident that I never sought true help for. I have always been afraid of ever trying traditionally abused pills and harder drugs.  I just started smoking pot at the same time as this accident and it helped unknowingly with my ADHD symptoms and back pain simultaneously. Pot helped in the same way that someone who needs glasses and has them, but they just aren’t the correct prescription. My reality was still foggy due to the internal chatter of the ADHD symptoms I experience. 

ex: All of my education was a struggle. from kindergarten until I dropped out of college. The amount of energy required for me to be a C student is more than it should take. More than for most people. And when I became overwhelmed with this reality I would do a few things to “help” . Sleep, smoke, or do things that were risky. Skateboard and try things that were way above my level resulting in me usually getting hurt, For sleep, it didn’t matter if I was at home, a friends, or in school. Some how I managed to get by with most of my teachers not bothering me on my bad days and allowed me to just put my head down all through class. I also had very long hair that was usually in my face regardless so I could be sitting up and half asleep, too. I smoked pot before school, a lot of times during school, on my way home from school, and up until I went to sleep. 

I don’t become angry when I realize how different my life could have been if i had been diagnosed much earlier in life, and that would have probably been great I’m sure. But despite my hardships and “lost” time, I wouldn’t change it now even if I could. You see, I don’t enjoy solitude naturally. I love people and all that life has to offer. IF I had received that early diagnoses as a kid and finished school well, and graduated college I wouldn’t have this passion to want to help other people who struggle alone like I did my whole life. You may see my life from an outsiders point of view and it may not seem that bad. And it’s not. I love my life. But here’s the key ingredient. Potential. I’ve been operating at 50% or 60%  of my potential. 

Three days ago I gave up the fears and spoke with my therapist and have started taking Adderall. From day one of starting that medication, I have been steadily feeling like I am gaining back that lost potential. My mind is starting to do what I ask of it. My emotions are becoming regulated and significantly less overwhelming and downright enjoyable. I’m not being triggered from over stimulus into near panic attacks. I am recognizing shifts in my emotions and able to pause and see where the change came from to check it’s validity or not. If I choose to sit with an emotion now, it is because I decided to, not because my body is out of control. 

From here I can only go up and I hope to bring as many of you with me. This story isn’t over, come on back now!

(Change Me)-

God don’t change my circumstances, change me to handle my circumstances. 

At 32 years old I have come to accept I kinda suck at certain things. I can do the right thing most of the time, I think. If it affects someone else I am more likely to do what I should. When it comes to myself, I am less responsible. I recognize moments in my life where I have a decision to make and for whatever reason, some I know and am aware of and some I am not, I don’t  choose what will help me towards my goals, and towards being a better person. 

So this is how I see it. I like to refer to God as the Creator. It’s just what I feel most comfortable with and what makes sense to me. God can be a symbol like a bridge that you cross to go to the “good” side. Whatever makes sense in your brain is fine by me, I just see this world from a perspective where I feel most content and life makes most sense to me through the eyes of God.

In my human form, I need God and the guidance His story gives. If for nothing else than a symbol, Jesus provides all I need to get me through in life. It won't necessarily be in a way where everything is just plopped right in front of your lap, but sometimes that is just what He does. And that is just from the symbol, what He does in the story, The example He provides, that is where I draw my courage, humility, and knowledge from. I can’t look at myself and say, “Ok Chase, What should we do here?” Sometimes I can answer that question correctly, but more times than not I need the direction and foresight from another source of wisdom. And I will always look to God as I understand Him for this wisdom first. 

God may very well be a black woman or an elf or opossum, but , all I know is that  if the concept of what Jesus is and did, how Jesus is the Creator, that He humbled Himself to not just human form, but to be a servant to show true humility, to show what being Christ like is all about, It’s these things that help me through the dark moments in life that my human brain doesn’t understand. It helps me do the right thing when otherwise I wouldn’t have, and I’m perfectly content with that. 

(Purpose)-

“The grand necessity, then, for our bodies, is to keep warm, to keep the vital heat in us.”-Henry David Thoreau

What is this heat? What is this energy? The desire to connect to others. Love manifested into its own being. The creator knew the joy of shared mutual love through connections and designed a way for the spirits to experience it too. 

*CONNECTIONS-

Our bodies need the soul to exist. The soul will exist regardless. The energy that makes you and I up is contained within the body. The energy will only move, not be destroyed, if it makes its way out of the body. It is but a transportation device that will travel through time. There must be something truly magical about this physical world that we are not grasping that makes it so desirable that the creator deemed it important enough to create. So then what becomes the purpose of this physical world gifted us? Connections that manifest with a physical aspect that the spiritual world must not be capable of. Holding a tangible body of someone you love in your arms truly is hard to match for experiences that fill your cup.    

How can we utilize this energy contained within us for good? If time is one of the most valuable facets to our existence, then how can we ensure we don’t waste any of it? What can be done?

What becomes a passion soon becomes a purpose. Does anything stir an emotion within you so greatly that it becomes the fuel for your internal combustion propelling your existence? In modern times we have come accustomed to using alarm clocks to meet each new day. Finding the purpose for your life allows you to beat that alarm clock each morning by being woken up by the fire fueled from within. If humans had no special purpose beyond coexisting in unity with earth then we wouldn’t have the capacity to think beyond instinct.  Be more than average. Chase within and create a life of purpose and joy. Get vulnerable and connect with others through your passion and at the end of your life you will look back and be content.

(Doing the right thing is always the right thing)-

Why? What is gained from “doing the right thing”? What goes around comes around! Good things tend to happen to an individual the more good things they do. When we do nice things for others, it typically leads to them wanting to do something nice in return. You feel good from doing the nice gesture and then you feel good again if the person does something nice for you in return. However, you don’t need to expect or even need the nice gesture in return because it makes you feel good in the first place.

Someone can begin to trust in a person who does the right thing consistently. Being a trustworthy person generally will be helpful throughout life as opposed to the opposite. People will be more likely to offer help, lend a hand, and in general reciprocate the ability to be trusted. It isn’t about getting one up on a person or having something to hold over their heads. It takes a village to evolve and expand as a society though and more is accomplished when multiple sets of hands are available. Humans seek the company of others in most cases and certainly there are the occasional outliers, but more times than not, we desire the company and companionship of others. We are safer in numbers and stronger when we combine our strengths as well.