#charfic

Outside of the rogues, Toby rarely trusted people. 

Ok, Ernest was an outlier, but only because he was actually really nice and was supportive of Toby, in that hard, commander way (ie. zealous use of 'Maggot!' and shouting). Honestly, it was helping Toby's self confidence make leaps and bounds ever since he signed up with the Battleborn, even if it threw him off sometimes. 

But the commando bird was on a mission to Bliss, recapturing an old UPR base, and his own flock - group, he reminded himself, the Rogues were definitely not aviants, even if sometimes they felt closer than his own biological family - were on Fortune's Favour, not onboard Nova. With this kind of thing, they would be the first he'd go waddling to, but alas, there was only him and a scattering of others preseny. And while they were on varying scales of niceness (Bene-jerk notwithstanding), the thought of approaching them with this problem made him want to keel over and die instead. 

Hence, he opted to wandering around the hulls of the ship like a feathery spectre, checking for faults, because faults could lead to holes, and holes could lead to failures, and failures could lead to systems malfunctioning, and systems malfunctioning could lead to Nova spiralling out of control and crash-landing onto one of the few planets left in the system, resulting in the fiery death of everyone onboard…

Even anxiety can ruin the easiest of tasks. Toby cursed. There also seemed to be a correlation between his stress levels and swearing, if the string of worries and extremities leaving his beak were anything to go by.

In fact, he was concentrating so hard on calming himself down that he didn't notice that he had barged into someone's space until he heard polite coughing from above, then a voice said, "Uh...you ok there?" 

His beak clamped embarrassingly fast as he finally took in his surroundings. He must've stumbled into the water reservoir, judging by the water tank. The large room was windowless and dark, lit only by the blue glow of the tank in the lower half. Perched on top of a floating platform was one of the newer members of their motley crew, who was blinking down at him. It took another second of panicking to remember her name; Alani, the monk from Akopos. Outside of name and general calm nature, that's all he knew about her. After all, he's only responsible for checking the background of potential rogues, not the rest of the battleborn. That’s Ghalt’s job.

"It’s-it's nothing, miss Alani, sorry to disturb you, it won't happen again, sorry." He stuttered out, the word running together into one, conjugated disaster.

He was already backing out of the room before Alani replied, "It's ok! It's just a bit weird how you just walked in here. Without knocking." 

"Sorry again." 

"Wait! I mean," she sighed. "I meant like how preoccupied you were. Unless you normally barge it to people's rooms un-announced?" She unhelpfully added. 

Toby made a noise of embarrassment, “Yeah, I don’t normally don’t do that. I was, uh, busy thinking.”

“About?”

“Nothing really. Just me being my dumb self and worrying about nothing, so sorry to bother you again, miss Alani!”

Alani was silent for a moment, from contemplation or awkward shock (Toby's money was on the latter), then she said "Want to sit with me?"

He blinked. She patted the space next to her with emphasis, the movement setting the platform bobbing gently on the water's surface. Would it...be ok? He could always just say no...and end up disappointing her more than he already did right now. With that in mind, he took a deep, fortifying breath, and scurried up the ladder on the side of the tank. It was easy paddling across the short distance to the platform, with him sparing only a moment to voice a concern. 

"Uh, this is the ships water, right?"

"Yup." She confirmed. 

"...won't we end up drinking this?" 

"Yup.” She repeated. “Don't worry though, my nanobots- I mean, cleansing energy,  gets rid of pollutants. They work a lot better than any water filter." 

"But won't we be drinking them too?" 

"Yeah, they’re probably inside your body already."

Toby had nothing to say to that apart from a quick face of revulsion. He didn't say anything else however as he pulled himself to Alani's metal island and gingerly planted herself next to her. "Okay, I'm here. Now what miss?" 

"Meditate with me? Just copy what I do." And she closed her eyes, folding her hands pose-perfect onto her crossed legs. Aviant limbs weren't exactly great for crossing legs and twildling thumbs, so Toby let his flippers flop onto his outstretched legs, one on top of the other. 

"Like this?" He asked. She nodded, then her shoulders rose and fell in a controlled breath. Like a bad habit, Toby's mind leapt to the worst conclusion of even the ever patient monk losing patience, and he already prepared to leap from the platform and make a second attempt to an ungraceful exit. He was stopped by Alani’s sheepish smile. 

"Oops, sorry. I meant breathe slowly." She looked as sheepish as she could with one eye still closed. With a silent breath of relief, Toby inhaled and exhaled. Then repeated. And repeated. 

She stayed silent, letting the only sound be the echo of dripping water. Toby was aching to fill the quiet with something, anything, extending but not limited to the non-existent weather on the ship, but miss Alani didn’t look like she wanted to be disturbed, so he sucked it up and tried to meditate as she said. His thoughts, as always, started swirling again, like a shard storm that decided that it wasn't done wrecking havoc on a science dwarf's laboratory just yet. Before long, he was squirming in his spot, struggling to remain still like the monk next to him. He was frustrated too. Frustration at himself, at the meditation, even the tiniest bit at Alani for not seemingly solving his problem. That last one he shoved back down even if one small, dark bit really wanted to let it fester and grow. And that wherein was the problem - he was bad at recognising what was his fault and what was the fault of others, so it was easier to lump everything together and blame himself even for the smallest of things, because, in the end, it meant he could fix it, and he wouldn't be kicked out again for not fixing it. It meant that he was still wanted by those around him, because what was he without others needing him-?

That’s when he heard of the sound of water churning instead. "Please don't freak out." Was her only warning. The water rose above them in a dome, smoothing over and clearing like glass. Despite the way it enclosed over him, Toby felt anything but anxious. Rather, it seemed that the room, heck, even the entire ship, had faded away, leaving them in a small bubble of just him and Alani. Like every problem, every worry, was washed away, if for the moment, to be displayed for his perusal. 

"I thought it might help if you keep thinking of your worries being outside of the bubble.” Alani said. 

The words burst out of Toby’s mouth before he could stop them. “But they still get to me.”

“Yeah, and that sucks. Things get to me too.” Alani admitted. “But I think, hey, I got my bubble. They’re just...thoughts in here. Like butterflies, I guess. Man I miss butterflies.

“Ugh, I’m getting distracted. I got my bubble! You got a bubble too. I don’t think you can actually conjure one out of water, unless avians can and I just didn’t get the memo. But you got one. And when the worries come fluttering back, bring it up, mentally. You are here. You're here. You're going to be ok.”

And the weird thing was that Toby actually...started to believe her. He can’t will away the anxieties, otherwise this would be the perfect universe, but it’s a lot easier to look at them from this side of the bubble. Through the watery lens, he could imagine what would happen if his Berg malfunctioned in the middle of battle and not stop the shot that might take Whiskey's life. Or if a mine detonated at the wrong moment, catching Shayne and Aurox in the midst of their blood run. Not only failing the Rogues, but the entire Battleborn. They were terrible, horrible images, but with the blue tint on, his mind already picked out some solutions – increase the frequency of the maintenance rounds. Train with Shayne and Aurox more to get a feel for their behaviour on the field.

Trust them, instead of bottling it up and letting the hurricane carry him away. Of course, that's easier said than done.

"Miss Alani?" He ventured quietly. "Can I...come back whenever it gets bad?"

"Sure! Just knock first."

Yeah. He can do that. "Thanks. For helping a little."

Alani just smiled gently, and closed her eyes again. He followed suit and let himself be.

….

Lahir dari dalam kelopak Teratai di tengah kolam, tanpa sayap, dengan bantuan Peri lain yang melintas lewat dia berpindah ke sebuah taman bunga. Tempat yang lebih aman daripada kolam, sekaligus tempat terbaik yang bisa mereka dapatkan jika baru lahir. Dia menghabiskan beberapa menit berdiam diri di atas kelopak Kosmos merah muda, karena tidak tahu harus melakukan apa, Dia kebosanan setelah mengintip-intip ke dalam inti Kosmos. Lalu memutuskan untuk turun dari sana, meluncur hati-hati dan, HUP! terburu-buru meloncat di bawah bayang-bayang dedaunan teduh Kosmos.

“Peri baru!” kata sebuah suara.

Dia tidak menggubris. Telinganya mendengar bising kepak sayap yang mendekat. Mendarat tak jauh darinya, dua pasang mata itu saling menatap, disusul dengan langkah-langkah lebar antusias salah satunya yang datang menghampiri dengan bersemangat. Tersenyum lebar.

“Tanpa sayap! Ooh, kau memang benar-benar baru lahir!” kata Peri itu, berjalan mengelilingi Dia sambil mengusap-usap dagu seperti menilai. Kepalanya mengangguk-angguk. “Kalau tidak punya sayap sih aku tidak heran. Tapi, kau kecil sekali! Oh ya, namamu? Aku Speir.”

Dia melangkah mundur, memerhatikan telapak tangan yang disodorkan kepadanya yang sepertinya tidak terlalu sabar menunggu. Speir menautkan kedua tangan mereka dengan senyum bangganya, yang dicontoh oleh Dia dengan bingung, membuat Speir tertawa lebih kepada menertawakan diri sendiri, seperti mengatakan betapa bodohnya Peri bersayap itu. Speir tampak mengerti segalanya dengan cepat dan tanggap; bahwa Peri baru tentu tidak memiliki nama. Sudah menjadi pengetahuan Peri dewasa jika mereka sebaiknya menamai Peri baru agar memiliki identitas.

“Kau, namamu,” Speir tampak menimbang dengan menatap langit pagi, “…Tuar Ceatha! Ya. Nama itu untukmu. Mengerti?”

Tuar Ceatha mengangguk.

Tuar Ceatha belajar banyak hal dari Speir. Bagaimana cara mereka mengambil madu untuk makan, bagaimana Tuar Ceatha, yang tidak bersayap, dapat melompat dengan akurat dari satu daun ke daun yang lainnya, dari satu kelopak bunga ke kelopak lainnya. Jika malam tiba, Speir akan terbang meninggalkan Tuar Ceatha di rumah barunya yang nyaman, dengan tempat tidur dari benang Lelaba diantara dedaunan segar. Hidup terasa begitu mudah untuk Peri. Mereka bebas. Sebebas bagaimana mereka ingin pergi terbang, seringan sayap mereka mengangkat tubuh untuk merenangi langit. Tetapi, tidak untuk Tuar Ceatha.

“Aku ingin sayap…” kata Tuar Ceatha suatu hari, memandangi sayap keperakan di punggung Speir ketika mereka tengah menikmati segelas madu Daisy. Matanya yang hitam memandang Speir penuh harap. “Dapat dari mana?”

“Sedari lahir aku memilikinya,” Speir mengangkat bahu, “ada yang punya dan ada yang tidak, jangan khawatir, kau hebat menunggangi Kupu-kupu tempo hari, ingat?”

“Aku tidak bisa terbang. Tidak benar-benar terbang, Speir.” Tuar Ceatha bersikeras.

Speir menghela nafas, menepuk puncak kepala Tuar Ceatha yang brunette. Peri Speir tidak bisa menolak.

Keesokan harinya Speir datang dengan membawakan sepasang sayap Kupu-kupu yang tidak lagi terpakai dan memasangkannya di punggung Tuar Ceatha. Ukurannya dua kali lebih besar daripada tubuh Peri kecil itu. Tuar Ceatha memandang antusias sayap barunya yang biru.

“Coba kepakkan,” kata Speir bersidekap, dan memerhatikan sayap biru Tuar Ceatha yang besar. Pelan-pelan mengepak, menciptakan angin kecil di sekitar mereka. Speir tersenyum puas melihatnya. “Tetapi sayap ini tidak bertahan lama, kau harus ingat. Err, apa sayapnya terlalu berat untukmu?”

Tuar Ceatha menggeleng.

“Kalau begitu kita harus coba terbang!”

Dibantu Speir, Tuar Ceatha berdiri diantara biji bunga Matahari. Speir melayang dengan tatapan mengawasi Peri kecil itu, takut merosot jatuh dari ketinggian. Tuar Ceatha menatap ke bawah. Dari atas bunga Matahari semuanya tampak begitu kecil. Dia biasa melompat dari satu daun ke daun lainnya, atau dari bunga ke bunga yang lainnya, tetapi terbang adalah hal yang berbeda! Sekaligus keinginannya! Impiannya! Speir tersenyum geli, menggenggam tangan Tuar Ceatha untuk menuntunnya.

Tuar Ceatha menoleh, “…lompat?”

“Bukan!” jawab Speir, tergelak. “Tetapi terbang. Gerakkan sayapmu. Nah, begitu! Dalam hitungan ketiga—satu—dua—sekarang!”

Hari itu Speir dan Tuar Ceatha menghabiskan waktunya mengarungi angkasa, mengepakkan sayap mereka hingga lelah. Untuk kali pertama dalam hidup Tuar Ceatha dia merasakan terbang dengan sayapnya sendiri. Tidak lagi hanya memerhatikan Peri yang bersayap berenang-renang di udara, tidak lagi hanya melompati satu tumbuhan ke tumbuhan lainnya atau naik ke atas punggung lady bug. Tuar Ceatha merasai angin melecuti rambut ikal-panjangnya, kemudian terbang dengan kikuk melawan arah angin, menyamakan irama terbang Speir yang mengajarinya. Dia membiarkan sayapnya yang rentan bekerja keras mengikuti kemauannya kemanapun Tuar Ceatha mau, yang dengan cepat menyerap pelajaran terbangnya, dan dia menikmatinya. Hari-hari Tuar Ceatha dipenuhi hal-hal menarik dan semakin menyenangkan dengan sayapnya yang besar. Mengikuti Kupu-kupu hinggap di atas lili. Menghampiri sarang burung gereja. Menghabiskan detik terakhir matahari terbenam dengan duduk di puncak pohon tertinggi, atau menari di atas Teratai di tengah hujan bersama Speir dan Peri-peri lainnya. Tetapi, tidak ada yang tahu jika semakin Tuar Ceatha bertindak melebihi batas kemampuannya, dia semakin mengikis waktu hidupnya sendiri.

Pertama-tama, dengan mengambil sayapnya yang rentan.

“Hanya sayap, kan. Lagipula, dari awal kau memang tidak punya sayap.” kata Peri Siog terus terang, mengangkat bahu dan menatap prihatin Tuar Ceatha yang tampak merana memandang linglung sayap birunya yang keropeng-rusak. Tuar Ceatha berjinjit lesu tidak bersuara, di atas kelopak Kamelia putih dia menciduk madu dengan kesal. Siog menepuk lembut pundak Peri kecil itu, berusaha membesarkan hati. “Semuanya hanya kembali sebagaimana awalnya. Jangan murung.”

Tetapi Peri itu rindu terbang. Dia ingin sekali terbang.

Dan, seperti sebuah rahasia, tidak ada yang tahu mengapa usia Peri yang tanpa sayap cenderung lebih pendek. Beberapa hari setelah kehilangan sayap, Tuar Ceatha merasa jika sendi-sendinya terasa kaku untuk digerakkan. Satu-satunya yang mengalahkan rasa sakit tersebut adalah kekeraskepalaan Tuar Ceatha yang tak tertertandingi.

Malam harinya, Speir duduk di samping Tuar Ceatha, tak jauh dari kolam Teratai di atas pohon beech menatap langit bertabur bintang setelah sehari penuh kelabu membayang, dan setelah hujan, langit tampak semakin cerah. Speir menoleh.

“Mau berdansa?” tanyanya.

Tanpa menjawab, karena masih murung, Tuar Ceatha yang linglung bangkit dari duduknya. Berpegangan pada ujung daun di dekatnya. Menghadap Speir yang nyengir jenaka menatap Tuar Ceatha. Peri kecil itu menunduk menatapi genangan air di kaki pohon yang memantulkan bayangan kedua Peri tersebut. “Aku ingin sayapku,” katanya pelan. Tiba-tiba merasa agak mengantuk. Tuar Ceatha tidak tahu bagaimana dirinya bisa mengenali waktunya tidak banyak.

“Kita memilikinya hanya sekali seumur hidup,”

“Justru itu…”

Speir melingkarkan tangannya menopang tubuh Tuar Ceatha. Kedua Peri itu mulai bergerak, saling menyamakan langkah. Merasakan kelopaknya memberat, Tuar Ceatha menunduk, menyandarkan kepala pada Speir. Membiarkan Peri yang memberinya nama itu mengambil alih; mereka berputar-putar, terbang dengan sayap Speir, mendarat di atas genangan air memecah bayang kedua Peri, menciptakan riak kecil. Memijak tanah-tanah lembab membuat cetakan telapak kaki mungil mereka. Bersenandung sendiri. Tuar Ceatha mendengarkan detak jantung Speir sebagai musiknya. Hening menikmati waktu tanpa sesal, sekalipun menyayangkan sayapnya yang dulu cantik. Tetapi, Peri pergi tanpa penyesalan dalam relung; bahwa mereka tidak membutuhkan rasa sesal dan merasa cukup karena ada, karena hidup, karena sebagai entitas yang hanya abadi dalam dongeng dan kebohongan. Tuar Ceatha memejamkan mata menikmati hembusan ringan angin yang menerpa.

“Kau ngantuk?”

Tuar Ceatha menjawab dalam gumaman. Membenamkan kepalanya semakin dalam.

“…ceritakan padaku, hal-hal yang kau sukai, yang bisa kau ingat.”

Tidak ada suara.

Speir tahu kalau Tuar Ceatha sedang berpikir meskipun dia tidak bisa membaca hati Peri kecil itu, meskipun dia tidak bisa melihat wajah Peri yang dibesarkannya. Speir tersenyum, setelah ‘Mmm’ kecil keluar dari bibir Tuar Ceatha, disusul namanya.

Speir, katanya.

Terbang, madu, embun…

—matahari, hujan, menari, berdansa—

Speir mengeratkan dekapannya, membawanya berputar lagi di atas tanah, mencelup kaki dalam genangan air. Tuar Ceatha kembali bergumam,

“Tuar Ceatha, namaku,”

Senyum si Peri tak terlepas. Tuar Ceatha terus mengoceh.

“…nama yang kau beri… Pelangi…”

Dan, banyak sekali yang disukai Peri kecil itu. Speir terkekeh, meski sedikit heran saat Tuar Ceatha mengatakan begitu gamblang ketidaksukaannya pada beberapa hal, mengingat Peri satu itu sebenarnya tidak banyak bicara, seperti ketika Tuar Ceatha bilang dia tidak suka melihat Speir dan Siog bersama. Dalam tiap menit gerakan mereka semakin ringan Tuar Ceatha dalam dekapan Speir. Seperti memeluk bulu. Seperti memeluk angin. Semakin samar sosoknya sebagai Peri. Perlahan berubah menjadi pecahan cahaya. Dinamakan Kunang-kunang, sebagaimana kita menyebutnya. Hidup sebagai sesuatu yang lain tanpa mengingat apapun atau diingat siapapun. Pergi dengan sayap cahaya dalam diri mereka, begitulah kehidupan mereka yang tidak kita ketahui.

Menyisakan jejak tarian di tanah basah.

Speir tidak akan ingat Tuar Ceatha. Tidak akan pernah. Tetapi, Kunang-kunang berbeda. Terbang bersama Peri, menerangi mereka yang tidak mengingat. Sebagai teman, sebagai sesama makhluk…