What is your opinion on characters who have no love at all (not just romantic love, but all kinds)? Obviously, they're often demonized (*cough*Voldemort*cough*), but if they aren't could they work without being inherently arophobic? I (an aro) am thinking of writing a story where a character loses their ability to love and Doesn't React Well, but eventually learns to accept it. Should I go through with that? If so, are there particular arophobic tropes to avoid?
I am somewhat biased in that Iāve written an aro character who means āall loveā when he says he doesnāt love (and this is explored further and more explicitly in his future stories) so, as someone who has a complicated relationship to love myself, bring them on.
I am so tired of seeing āloveā billed as the ultimate indicator of a āgoodā character while āinability to loveā is the ultimate indicator of āevilāādespite the fact that some of the most difficult things I have endured came about from someone elseās love. If relatives bullied me and friends-who-wanted-to-be-boyfriends stalked me despite and because of their ability to love, why should an inability to love mean anything when love just as often motivates cruelty? In my opinion, there is nothing inherently misrepresentative of aro-specs in a characterās inability to loveājust the social tangle of ableism and aromisia and amatonormativity from other people in unquestioned assumptions that ability to love makes a protagonist. Why should it?
I talk more about autism-coding than aromisia in the following, but a lot of negative/stereotypical autism-coding is applied to aro-specs (or characters coded as aromantic) because Western society in its unquestioned ableism deems autistics as a handy pre-existing representation of āheartlessā and āinhumanā. Iāve also got a second ask on a similar subject that talks about idealised representation in writing a single character versus writing multiple characters of that identity, anon, so please consider this the first half of my response as opposed to the entirety. Everything I say in response to the second ask will be relevant to you as well.
Ableism is an element here: autistic folks are often deemed unable to love, often just from an inability to perform love to allistic (non-autistic) expressive standards. Thereās also an unchallenged, subtle antagonism towards survivors of abuse from family members/close partners, in that our possible questioning or dismissal of love can be a sign we havenāt ārecoveredā enough or are even resisting ārecoveryāāonly when we ālearn to love againā do stories award us our happy ending. Love, tied to very narrow experiences/performances (and so often amatonormative ones), is seen as the end goal of being or becoming a non-monstrous human, and while society needs to question romantic love as being the marker of a worthy hero, it also needs to question all forms and expressions of love as being said marker. If love has the capability to be as damaging and violent as anything else, why do we persist under the illusion that it still makes those who can more human than those who canāt?
I do agree with you that, if this loss of ability is sudden, your character shouldnāt react well, unless they live in a world where love just isnāt socially prized. They shouldnāt, because weāre exposed to millions of narratives that say an inability to love (or perform love to appropriate allistic standards) is to make us monstrous, and thatās a hard thing to bear. (How many aros do we see insisting that they still love platonically? That they still have close friends and adore their family? That their love makes them human and undeserving of hate, not any other quality?) I would make sure your character has a sense of these narratives and show their responses to them, because I can tell you that theyāre constantly running through my head! Theyāre going to have a hell of an internalised tangle of what makes a good person to work through, and Iād try as much as possible to show this process as your characterās arc to acceptance. Even kind, considerate friends and relatives, used to love as a marker of being human, may treat your characterās inability as monstrous (especially if they attempt to talk about it). The more you can show this, the more you can challenge this idea of love as universal.
(For example, your character might try even harder to be empathic or supportive or compassionate, absolutely breaking themselves on their service to other people to prove theyāre not a hateful person, because thereās no narrative about love not being a requirement for decency. Their character arc might be learning to look after themself, to accept that they donāt need to hurt themself by excessively performing compassion for others to āmake upā for their lack of love. Acceptance, for this character, could be allowing themself to withdraw to a better balance of compassion that also acknowledges and values their own needs and limitations.)
I would be cautious in how you show this lack of love in your character, especially if youāre leaning towards indicating it by flat effect, lack of facial expressions, difficulty connecting with others, a tendency to withdrawal or isolation, difficulty with empathy, monotone voice, etc. All of this, of course, is stereotypical autism-coding (in addition to stereotypical aro/ace-coding) because that is the unquestioned, unchallenged ableist narrative we are taughtāthat we autistics cannot love because we donāt perform it same way allistics do. (I would argue that autistics have the same potential for love as anyone else; we just show it in very different ways.) There really is no reason to assume that any of these behaviours inherently indicate a lack of love besides ableism. You may not be thinking of this at all, but itās such an unquestioned assumption in Western society that autistic-coded, robotic, distant behaviours are symptomatic of inability to love, so I mention this just in case.
Iād recommend taking the time to ask yourself: how does love impact our behaviours and relationships? Does love drive us to drop a few dollars into a homeless manās hat? Does love drive us to modify how we speak and behave for the comfort of strangers or acquaintances? Does love make us laugh at a work mateās not-funny joke or praise a casual friendās creativity? Because I will posit, as I have for a long time, that love is (and should be) less important in driving us than compassion, and that is vital to recognise in writing a sympathetic character who does not/cannot love.
In antagonists like Voldemort, love isnāt the only thing thrown out the window in determining his villainy. A whole tangle of things like compassion, sympathy, empathy, kindness, consideration, acceptance, an unwillingness to violence, an unwillingness to hatred, tolerance, respect and appreciation are tossed out with it, all unthinkingly bundled together under the one word. In sympathetic characters or protagonists, we need to be aware of all the things usually and erroneously associated with love, because we canāt throw all of them out the window.
I suspect that a carefully-written sympathetic character who doesnāt love will show this inability less through actions and behaviours readable to onlookers and more through internal narrative and responses to other charactersā assumptions that love drives us all. I am looking at writing a character who comes to acknowledge that he doesnāt love but still acts through compassion or respect so, from the outside, itās difficult to tell the difference. Inside, though, there may be a mess of pain and self-hate at losing something weāre supposed to have to be (according to the stories) a non-monstrous human. This approach, especially for allistic/non-autistic characters, will avoid any unfortunate implications or coding.
When or if other characters find out, you can show how they differently treat the character before knowing theyāre unable to love and after, because I suspect a stated inability to love may go far, in the eyes of some characters, to erase the protagonistās acts of compassion and respect. Conversely, Iām also having side characters tell my protagonist that he does love because heās helping his brother remake the world, which is another cross heāll have to bear despite his position that love isnāt something he feels or desires. One approach is to dismiss a characterās humanity even though their behaviour proves it; the other dismisses a characterās right to understand and identify their own feelings and experiences.
If your character is autistic, the approach will be different in terms of how allistics read them and associate behaviours with capability of love, but this will need careful handling. I will also say if a sudden inability to love is related to enduring sexual or familial violence, this too should be handled carefully. Even without either element, there is a good chance that readers who have not questioned the idea that ālove is what makes us humanā may take a non-magical/futuristic reason for abruptly losing love to be sending a bad message (and even more so if your story does reference either). Iād be sure to communicate the fact that societyās assumptions about love being the marker of a good person make it easy to excuse a whole lot of violence wrought in its nameāin other words, break down the assumptions about love for your readers so they can contextualise your character in this light.
(When I start specifically talking about my protagonistās pondering of love, thereās a lot of reflection on the damaging acts he and his family wrought in love, where love for him drove his people and whether it is something he should desire or value going forwards.)
If you keep all that in mind, though? I think youāll be okay, because I do not believe that writing a character who doesnāt love is any expression of aromisia if we discuss and discard the assumption that we must love to be human.
I have a desperate want to see characters more like me in fiction, anon. If you hold tight to the ways your character expresses compassion, respect and tolerance, and keep an eye on the risk of autistic-coding (and consequent negative aro-coding) in how their behaviours may express their lack of love, and work to break down your readersā assumptions about love as primary, I donāt think youāll have a problem. We definitely need narratives that end with acceptanceāthat show a characterās realisation that we are not monstrous because we cannot love.
This is an important, valuable message, and in this area I do love without complication or hesitation: Iād love to read it in a story, anon.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming