#character skit

Ruby: What's this poster? 'Grand Heat'? Isn't that kinda redundant in the desert?

Weiss: It's obviously a race, Ruby. (Looks at Sun) It is a race, right?

Sun: The Grand Heat? Heck yeah it's a race! The best race in the world!

Blake: (reading poster) What's this part about "No Holds Barred"?

Sun: What it means. Anything goes. You can ride any vehicle, any animal, and even attack the other racers! The only exceptions are dust-powered devices or sharp objects.

Nora: Any animal, huh? (To Jaune) Too bad you left your riding rabbit back in the Ever After.

Jaune: I don't think I'd bring Juniper into a race like this anyway.

Yang: But no dust...I guess it's just as well I don't have Bumblebee anymore.

Ruby: I wish we still had that dinosaur.

Weiss: What dinosaur?

Ruby: The one we took that picture with. Remember?

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Irene: “So you asked Nancy out and she said ‘sure’???”

Mara: “Yeah, pretty much.”

Irene: “And you didn’t give her a present? Or- or money???”

Mara: “No…”

Jaune: -what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for what I said in the Ever After. I was...I had a lot of baggage and took it out on you. The truth is, I've always been sorta-kinda secretly jealous of you.

Ruby: Of me? Why?

Jaune: Well, cause you're Ruby Rose! The prodigy! The huntress in training so good she got bumped up two years! And me, I'm just the...guy who cheated his way into Beacon.

Ruby: ...I was going to be held back.

Jaune: ....What?

Ruby: At Signal Academy. Before Qrow taught me how to use Crescent Rose, I was total garbage. And even after...you remember what Oz said about my hand-to-hand, right? About how much it sucked?

Jaune: Um...

Ruby: The other teachers at Signal thought so too. They were going to have me repeat the year because of that. Yang tried to help me, but it wasn't going anywhere. So when I met Oz, and he said I could come into Beacon... I thought that meant I was okay just using Crescent Rose. But he was just looking for a (Sounding bitter) "Silver-Eyed Warrior" to throw at Salem.

Jaune: (Imagines having Ozpin drained eaten by the Jabberwalker)

Weiss: Wait...this can't be right!

Ruby: What's wrong?

Weiss: I'm measuring our stats, and according to this, I'm the weakest member of the team!

Blake: You are.

Weiss: I can't be! I have the most versatile Semblance.

Yang: My swiss army knife is versatile too, but I don't see it winning fights either.

Weiss: This is absurd. How can I be the weakest huntress?

Ruby: Maybe you were taught wrong.

Weiss: I was taught right! I mean, my training was perfect.

Blake: Well, who trained you?

Weiss: Who trained you?

Blake: I'm mostly self-taught, and spent several years outside the kingdoms before going to Beacon.

Yang: Rubes and I were taught by our family, dad and Qrow.

Ruby: You can't get better training than members of Beacons' strongest team.

Weiss: Well, I was trained by Atlas' best huntress!

Ruby: Robyn Hill was your teacher!?

Weiss: Wh- no! My sister, Winter! She taught me everything I know.

RBY: Ohhhh.

Ruby: Your sister...

Blake: ...Who's a member of the Atlas Army...

Yang: ...That's never won a single battle in history.

Weiss: What's your point?

Jaune: Yeah, what?

Ruby: Why did you go to Beacon?

Jaune: Well, I wanted to be a huntsman, and-

Ruby: No, I mean, why did you start out at Beacon? Everyone else trains at one of the lesser combat schools are something before moving on to Beacon. Why did you think starting your training at Beacon was a good idea?

Jaune: W-well, my town is a bit isolated and really most of us don't really know much about the rest of the world, see... But sometimes we get huntsmen passing through. If the chance came, I would ask some of the visiting huntsmen about becoming one myself, and they would say stuff like, um...

Ruby: "Stuff like...um"?

Jaune: They kept saying that Beacon was just the beginning, and stuff like that.

Ruby: Wait, that's it? That's why you cheated your way into Beacon?

Jaune: I thought it was one of those fancy boarding schools for rich kids, okay! Nobody told me how tough it was, they always said- uh, never mind.

Ruby: What'd they always say? C'mon, tell me!

Jaune: ...when I asked one if I could make it in Beacon, he said, "Sure, Beacon's full of idiots and weaklings."

Terra Cotta-Arc: Oh, that? That's a depiction of evolution.

Ruby: Eva-what-what?

Terra: Evolution. It's a scientific theory that all life was originally a different species, before it changed into its present form over a period of tens of millions of years. Humans, for example, used to a type of ape.

Weiss: Well, that would explain... (Glances at Nora, who is picking bugs out of Jaune's hair) some things.

Blake: And where do faunus stand in this glorious science?

Terra: (Very awkwardly) We-ell, the most common theory is that faunus and humans have the same source, but the future-faunus were exposed to elements that caused them to develop their animalistic traits. No offense.

Blake: (coolly) None taken.

Yang: So it's all theories, huh? Nothing proven?

Terra: I admit, it's hard to prove. But I think it's more rational than to believe some sentient being put everything in motion.

Team RWBY: (Has traumatic flashbacks to "The Lost Fable")

Weiss: And if that wasn't enough, we're going through the badlands, an unexplored region that hasn't been properly charted.

Blake: Even if we can deal with the Grimm, there might be natural hazards that could disrupt the transport.

Yang: Not to mention we might run into bandits that aren't controlled by mom. (Smacks her fists together)

Ruby: So let's get out there and make this work!

Team RWBY: YEAH!

French Narrator: THREE HOURS LATER.

Ruby: (Waving to the people disembarking) Okay, no need to thank us!

Yang: ...That was the most boring mission ever. Only one Grimm showed up, and it was piddling little Creeper.

Blake: Weird, right? Every time we get on train or ship, something outrageously bad happens.

Weiss: I wonder what's different about this mission compared to all those other times?

(Cut)

Oz: Ah-choo!

Oscar: Did you just sneeze inside my head?

Taiyang: ...I have to admit, I wasn't expecting to see you telling all of Remnant about Salem.

Ruby: Would you believe it was Ironwood's idea?

Taiyang: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, right.

Yang: It's true, dad.

Raven: James Ironwood doesn't have ideas of his own. He always takes someone else's idea, adds chrome plating, cupholders, and then passes it off as his own.

Taiyang: The truth is, the one who came up with the idea of telling the world about Salem and then sending out the Atlas Army to protect the various territories was Amber Hammond.

Ruby: Amber...the previous Fall Maiden?

Raven: Why do you think Oz was so eager to kill her off and give her powers to someone he had more control over?

(Raven pushes a button on her helmet, which projects an image on the wall. The image shows Amber talking with Ozpin at his Beacon office, while a screen showing Lionheart, Ironwood, and Theodore is on behind her)

Yang: What's this?

Raven: Six months before the Fall of Beacon, I was spying on a teleconference between Oz and his cronies when Amber decided to join in.

Image!Amber: ...Llook, I know you're worried about a panic and Grimm, but isn't that what Ironwood's army is for? He's got more surplus than he knows what to do with! We could donate them to not just the kingdoms, but other towns, and then warn everyone about Salem, so that they'll be able to protect themselves!

Image!Ozpin: Amber, what you're suggesting... I'm not denying your good intentions, but you're talking about upending the entire status quo on a whim. We can't afford to lose our control over the peace, not when we've finally achieved what our ancestors have been struggling for.

Image!Amber: But...!

Image!Ozpin: That will be all, Amber. Allow us adults to finish our discussion, and perhaps if there's time we can indulge you.

Raven: (Shutting off the video) Amber left Vale not too long after that. I think she was going to look for her own truth.

Ruby: And that's when Cinder got her. All because Oz wouldn't help her. Qrow never mentioned the first part...

Taiyang: He didn't know. Ozpin doesn't like it when people know stuff, remember?

Yang: You knew it.

Taiyang: Well, I, uh, that is.... I may have assisted Amber in getting out of the kingdom unnoticed.

Yang: (Grinning) What'dya do? Squeeze her into a box and ship her out with parcel post?

Taiyang: ...

Zwei: Arf.