#char rants

ive been obsessed with animal crossing lately--which is kind of unfortunate given my financial situation and inability to work due to being immunocompromised (not full on disability, but enough that there's no way i should be leaving my house)

i'm a university student and as such, despite wanting a switch for years, I've never taken the plunge into switch ownership because of time and cost--uni is a better investment.

but for some reason, this game has me in its clutches. I dont know why. I've never played AC on anything, and I wouldnt classify myself really as a video gamer. I game occasionally--i've sunk over a hundred hours into Twilight princess, bested many a mario games on my DS, pokemon pearl, and am always down for mario kart; but i'm not a "gamer" in my desire to play games--I enjoy watching others play more than i care to do so.

And somehow, new horizons has got me by the throat. ive been watching countless hours of playthroughs and been desperately looking around my area to see which stores have the game and console. I've even heavily debated purchasing a full switch vs the lite model (which, combined with the game, is 150 dollar difference). Now, i am in a spot where i could drop the 340 for it. Its just been hard to justify, especially given the circumstances.

And john mfing green finally offered me an explanation into why.

"I miss the luxury of caring about stuff that doesn't matter."

He's talking about sports here (which i can also relate to), and it really struck me because thats exactly what i am feeling. I miss being able to invest in something and it not being a matter of the world in its state right now. I miss being able to drown myself in anything but reality. I miss being able to turn off my brain and not feel the existential dread nipping at my heels, telling me whats the point of anything right now because the world is basically turned off.

But i cant do that. Because people are dying and scared and fighting, and my chest will sometimes just seize up because of how much this has been to deal with.

Its hard to be alone when all you do is overthink things--but i'd rather be here than surrounded by family who all wants something from me. Who wont respect my boundaries.

This past year has been a constantly circulating mess of an existance because i dropped the one thing i had invested in other than school--sports. My two favourite players were out for the season, so i stopped watching. And, taking a look now, i've been missing something to care about for a long, long time because of that. Its just been months and months of schoolwork and busy-ness and emptiness, cause theres no time for anything but classes.

And i'm so done with having nothing yknow. Theres only so much art i can do because i never want to force it. Summer courses are starting and all i feel is dread--i dont want to be swallowed by work and expectations and having nothing just for me.

so i think i'm going to do it. Regardless, itll make me happier. And i'll use it for years.

Thanks john. somehow, you always know exactly what to say.