#changsub imagines

Being a trainee definitely wasn't easy, we all know it. You were one of the members of a girl group that was to be debuted by Cube, currently taking part of an elimination program (kinda like pentagon maker)

By now, you already met basically most cube artist and thats how you came to be here, talking to your senior, who you really admired, Lee Changsub. At first he offered to drive you home since it was late but instead, decided to take you to his home to show you the collection of cds he had.

"I didn't know you'd also be so interested in this sort of rock ballad songs" he said showing you his big collection, which was by the TV

"I always enjoyed this genre the most! Your album MARK was sooooo good! I absolutely loved it!"

"Thank you! I worked hard on it!"

For about an hour you guys just sat in his couch and talked, mostly Changsub giving you advice on how to get better when performing or even when recording. After a while you decided to watch a movie but after some time you saw from the corner of your eyes that he was looking at you. Not sure if it was a good idea but you decided to look back at him too, and after some time staring at each other, the boring movie long forgotten, he leaned in initiating a kiss that you soon reciprocated

Things got a bit heated and since you were sitting on his lap as you made out, he lifted you up and took you to his room

- - - - -

The next morning Changsub woke up to an empty bed, 'I guessed wrong the type of one night stand she was' he thought to himself. He got up from his bed and put on some shorts, not before checking his nightstands to see if you had left any notes for him. Sadly, he found nothing which made him slightly disappointed. Opening the door of his room a pleasant smell of bacon filled his nose

"Oh? Good morning"

you looked really cute in his t-shirt from the night before. Your smile made his frown go away as soon as he entered the kitchen and heard you voice.

"Sorry to intrude, and also use your kitchen, but I figured you'd be hungry..."

He softly smiled and walked over one of the stools in the kitchen

"It's really alright, I'm not gonna lie, I thought you were gone. But this... this is way more like you"

"How so?"

"Well, from how you acted yesterday and your general personality you didn't seem like the type to just leave in the morning. If I'm being honest, I thought we would wake up together but this is way more pleasant" He says sending you a sweet smile and muttering a quiet thanks when you pass him a plate filled with scrambled eggs and bacon.

"You're not having any?" He questioned "I'm fine, don't worry" You dismissed him, but he insisted in giving you bites of his breakfast

The morning was very nice and just like the night before you both chatted freely and enthusiastically until you had to leave

"Do you want a ride to the company? I'm headed there"

"No, don't worry. I need to to go the dorm to change my clothes. Plus, us showing up together at the company would probably not be very appropriate..."

"You're right, I was being careless... I can give you a ride to your dorm if you want?"

"Uhmm... I guess that would be nice thank you"

After breakfast you changed back into your yesterday clothes and headed to Changsubs car. The ride was silent but not awkward and soon enough you reached your destination.

"Thank you sunbaenim, I'll see you around" You bowed politely, remembering the actual relationship between you guys. Also realizing that, Changsub just nodded muttering a 'See ya' and driving away. 'I guess I could only have one night with him' you thought to yourself, disappointedly walking into your building

- - - - -

Of course that when you got into your dorm, your members bombarded you with questions. After some explaining they calmed down, not really judging you since they knew the type of person you were

You weren't into one night stands and since forever you rarely went on dates or anything related

"Why did you do it tho? It's not really... you" Your leader asked

"I'm not sure myself... I guess he just had this charm that really drew me in..." You stared saying while remembering the previous night. Before any dirty thoughts flooded you and your members mind you quickly added "But he's really sweet! A gentleman! And- and-" Your leader started laughing at your panicked expression

"It's fine, as long as you had fun and he treated you nicely I'm ok with it. Let's just not tell anyone else" She said directing not only at you but the rest of your group.

The maknae of your group dragged you to the side and whispered excitedly "Was it just an impulse or were you into him??" You looked at her unsure "Maybe I had a crush on him? I don't know" "What do you mean you don't know? It's obvious you like him. You don't notice, but every time we met him I could practically see the hearts floating around you" she gestured pretending to point out the hearts floating around you, while you playfully pushed her trying to dismiss her antics

The rest of the day went quite normal. Training, training some more and recording. You were also the producer of your group, so while mixing the track a staff member knocked on your studio door and called for you

"There's someone that wants to see you y/n"

You exchanged looks with your group mate and she just smiled and told you to go and that she would just take a break

You walked after the man that went to fetch you up to the artists studio floor and that's when you got nervous. An artist wants to see me?

When the doors to the elevator opened, there stood Changsub, leaning against the opposite wall and looking very handsome... Stop, I really shouldn't think about that...

"Y/n, there you are. Come" he gestured for you to follow him. Oh, so he was the one who wanted to see you. Even after the whole thing you guys went through, after the car incident you got shy and really nervous

You both got into his studio and after siting on his computer chair and asking you to take a seat on the sofa propped on the wall, he began "Ok, why did you sleep with me? Do you want to guarantee your group's stay in the program?"

Shocked with his statement you tried to reply "W-what? I would nev-" "Really y/n, just tell me. It's better that way. Was is for satisfaction? An achievement?" While he was speaking you could see that he was getting angry, but so were you

"Are you kidding me?! I would never do such a thing!" You said trying to keep calm. Before he could chime in again you added "If you think that I- I slept with you because it would be some sort of award you're wrong!" You started to blush feeling embarrassed "Maybe we should just forget it happened. Nobody should know and I should just forget I ever liked you!" In the heat of the moment you said it all and as soon as you realized it was too late

"You... You like me?" He asked, breaking the silence

"I- maybe" You replied truthfully but not really expecting I'm to like you back. He barely knew you

"I'm sorry, I-" He stared saying feeling guilty that he though you were using him when in reality you liked him. "I'm not sure if I like you back"

"It's fine, I wasn't expecting anything in return... Was that all?" You said embarrassed, all you wanted right now was to get out of there as fast as possible

You were an understanding person, so when your unofficial boyfriend stood you up, you warily accepted his explanation that he had forgotten about your date.

“Even if that’s true,” your best friend spoke after taking a loud sip of coffee, “and believe me, I really doubt it’s true, you should still break up with him. How could anyone be dumb enough to forget about dating you?”

Deep down, you knew Changsub liked you— no, you knew he loved you, and that love motivated all of his actions. And deep down, past the fear of feeling something so real, you knew that if soulmates exist, Changsub was yours. 

Still, you responded, “He gets one more chance. And if he wastes it, I’ll move on.” 

“Whatever,” Changsub frowned and dropped his fork onto his plate. When the clatter compelled you to look at him, Changsub begged, “Will you be so understanding of me when it’s my turn to love you?”

How would you have reacted if Changsub hadn’t rushed out of the cafe, carelessly forgetting his coat?

Most of the time, he was so funny, but the way he glanced back at you before opening the door with a thrilling chime of the bells— there was no hint of laughter, only eyes darkened and lips weighed down with sadness. 

Did you like anyone enough to justify breaking Changsub’s heart? No; and you especially didn’t feel so strongly about that guy who so easily forgot about your dinner plans. 

Just thinking of how you hadn’t been upset enough by his actions to make last minute movie plans with Changsub that night, it was obvious that you had fallen in love with your best friend. But did he have to look so crushed for you to acknowledge your feelings? 

When you typed out your breakup with the guy you hadn’t even dated once, you didn’t expect him to reply just seconds later to confess that he didn’t really like you that much from the beginning. But that mild embarrassment and discomfort didn’t compare to how you felt minutes later when, while walking away from the cafe in Changsub’s coat, you saw Changsub scolding your now ex-almost-boyfriend. 

Through the window, you watched Changsub tower over him and some girl. Even before you walked into the restaurant to collect him, you could hear him yelling, “You didn’t deserve to have her attention for even a minute!”

“Not when you’ve been waiting for her for years?” The guy challenged. Noticing you approaching, and with Changsub effectively silenced, he said, “Don’t sweat it, man. You’ve got a chance with Y/N— we just called it quits a few minutes ago, right Y/N?”

When Changsub whirled around to follow his gaze, he blushed at the sight of you. “A few minutes isn’t long enough to find a new girlfriend,” he mumbled. 

You pretended not to notice Changsub’s blush or his remark, refused to give into the urge to spit in your ex’s face, and focused on saying, “Yeah. It turns out my best friend is right about a lot of stuff.”

“Ooooh, best friend.” Your ex clapped, laughing. “Hear that, Changsub? You’re at least in the friend zone.”

As even Changsub’s ears burned red while more people turned to observe the dispute, the other girl grumbled, “Why are you being such a jerk?” And she apologized to you and Changsub before storming out of the restaurant. 

“See what you did?” Your ex glared at you and Changsub before bumping past you to chase after her. 

“What a loser.” You rolled your eyes as you rubbed at the shoulder he ran into on his way out. “C’mon Changsub— that’s out queue to get out of here.”

The two of you walked in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before Changsgub finally dared to ask, “You broke up with him? Even though you said you’d give him another chance?”

“Yeah— it turns out I didn’t like him enough to forgive him,” you shrugged. “Oh— you left your jacket—” 

Changsub stopped you from taking it off. “Just wear it, Y/N— it’s kind of cold out here.”

Having fully acknowledged your feelings for him, you blushed at the gesture. “In hindsight, I know I made the right choice.”

“Because he was dating some other girl?”

“Well, kind of.” You stuttered, wrestling with how you should confess your feelings. “You know, I’m a lot more into gentlemen: the kind of guy who is willing to yell at someone in a restaurant to defend me, and let me wear his jacket when it’s only kind of cold, and remind me when I deserve better.”

“You always deserve better.” Changsub studied your expression before brushing his hand against yours. He gasped when you laced your fingers with his, but he managed to say, “You’ll always deserve better.”

You shook your head. “No, there’s nobody better than you.” Then, suddenly embarrassed by your boldness, you quietly added, “To answer your question from the cafe— I’ll always understand you as long as you love me.”

Trainings were not just physically exhausting but mentally as well. Staying away from our families and friends made the experience more difficult as well. Communication with them was rare. There were days when we wanted to call home to feel reenergized and to hear how they were doing to pull us through our toughest days but we weren’t allowed to do so. That’s why we cherished our vacation leaves. It was the only time that we truly get to spend with them.

However, everything started to change.

What was once a peaceful land became one that was subjected to war.

Every waking moment became riddled with fear. Fear for our country, fear for our families, and fear for our fellow soldiers. Underneath it all, even if most of us tried not to show it, there was also a fear for ourselves and our assignments. Fear that we might never get to see the people we cared for.

With a war ongoing, none of us knew if and when we were going to be called out to the frontlines. We may be serving a mandatory service but we’re still part of the country’s military power. We may not be the first in line to head out onto the battlefield but we were on the list. It was just a matter of time until we were going to be called out. No one was safe from it.

As the number of soldiers in our camp lessened, it was getting harder to keep holding on to my sense of duty. Many times, I’ve wanted to pack my things and head to the confines of my home. Many times, I wanted to rip off the patches on my uniform and leave my military life behind.

Then it came in the form of a letter.

Wobbly and sweaty hands opened the sealed crisp envelope. My heartbeat was drumming loudly in my ears. I thought that it was going to jump out of my chest with how fast it was beating. A shaky breath escaped my lips as I pulled a crisp, white paper out.

//

I thought that I was ready. I assumed that I’ve conditioned myself and my mind enough for what was happening. However, no amount of preparation could’ve prepared me for the world of pain that I had to endure. The moment she shakily opened her mouth as tears started forming in her eyes, my world had collapsed.

I wanted to hold her, to assure her that it was going to be okay—that I was going to be okay—but I couldn’t. I stood frozen because I knew no words could ever take away the fear and the pain that she was experiencing.

“Why?” She finally found her voice. It shook and it was almost inaudible. I wouldn’t have heard her if not for the silence that was wrapped around us. “Why you? Why does it have to be you?”

The only thing I could do was lower my head. I didn’t know why and even if I did have the answer, I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself to say it and break her even more. All I knew was it was something irreversible, unless an unforeseen event occurs.

“It’s my duty,” I replied but to my ears, it was as if I was convincing myself. My usual conviction and pride weren’t there. At that moment, the word duty felt too much to carry on my shoulders. “It’s my duty as a soldier of this country.” I continued but even that statement was mechanical.

“Duty?” She scoffed. “Then what about your duty to me? To your family? You’re just going to set it aside because your country called on you? Are we less important than your country? You’re only serving mandatory service and you’re about to finish in a few months!”

I could feel her anger and her fear seeping through her words, no matter how selfish they sounded. They were like knives digging into my skin and deep into my bones. I knew that she didn’t mean to compare. I knew that the words coming from her lips were becoming unfiltered the more we stood in our living room.

“I have to go,”

“That’s all you can say? You’re not even going to try to appeal to whoever decided to send you out?” She ran her fingers through her hair as she started to pace in front of me. Her lips twisted into a frown, eyes confused and frantic.

“I don’t want to leave you and my family but I have to go. Please, you have to understand that I’m doing this so I can help protect this country, most importantly you.”

That statement about protection that we were repeatedly taught and told had been so deeply engrained in my soul that it was the only thing I could defend myself with. Yet, it left a bitter taste on my tongue.

“You don’t have to go to the frontlines to protect me!” she raised her voice. “You also have to understand that I’d rather have you here safe and away from the battlefield. There are so many other people who can go in your place. It doesn’t have to be you.”

I kept silent as I watched her start biting on her nails. I wanted to reach out to her and hold her still. I wanted to hold her tightly and closely to my chest but the moment I took a step closer, her hardened eyes shifted to me, making my knees lock. She continued to pace.

“You know that I can’t do anything about their decision,” I pleaded with her. It was my last saving grace in this situation. I was desperate to get her to understand that I was just following what my superiors told me to do. After all, who was I to go against their orders? I may be serving mandatory service but that didn’t exempt me from my title as a soldier.

“Have you even tried?!” At that, she stopped walking and faced me. “Huh? Have you tried, Changsub?”

I bit my tongue, not wanting to say anything wrong. I was threading on thin ice and one wrong statement would break that surface.

She sighed in exasperation as she shook her head. “I can’t believe this,” she uttered. “When are they making you leave?”

In three days, my mind answered but my lips were sewn shut. If she knew that I was getting deployed on Monday, she would break. However, I couldn’t hide that from her. She had to know. She deserved to know. Then maybe we can spend the rest of the days cherishing the last few moments we had together until I return.

…If I return.

“When?” She continued to press.

I deeply exhaled and shakily answered, “Monday.”

A flurry of emotions crossed her features as we stared at each other. Neither of us spoke a word for a full minute. Neither made a move nor a sound. Then she scoffed and rolled her eyes. With a shake of her head, she turned her back towards me.

“I can’t do this,” she stated and walked towards the couch. I kept my eyes on her slouched figure that sat quietly. Once in a while, she would heavily sigh.

My gut twisted and my heart clenched in pain. I could barely feel anything aside from that. I was lost. I didn’t know what to tell her to make it better because I knew that there was nothing I could say that would make her feel at ease. Despite having no words for her, I moved to sit beside her but she scooted a few inches away.

A sigh left my lips as I did my best not to let it get to me.

“Hey,” I softly and gently called as I reached for her hand. I laced our fingers together and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You know I’ll come back, right?”

The glare I received made me shut my mouth. She even withdrew her hand from mine and crossed her arms tightly before looking away. I silently scolded myself, knowing that I was being insensitive with my statement. With a shake of my head, I tried again.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

Silence.

“Are you hungry?”

No response.

“Do you want to go to the bookstore?”

It was our favorite spot in our small city so I was holding onto a small bit of hope that she would respond. But she didn’t. She kept her body turned away from me. All I could do was rub the back of my neck as I thought of what I else I could try.

“Ice cream?” I started to name all the different comfort food that she usually consumed but it was the same. I received no response.

Part of me was annoyed. I knew she was scared but so was I. She wasn’t the only one suffering from this situation. I knew I was leaving so many people behind with no assurance that I’d come back safely. However, I acknowledged the fact that acting out on her attitude and getting mad wouldn’t do us well. I’ve wanted to spend the next few days I have making different memories with her that would last for a long time. I didn’t want to spend it fighting.

“I know that this is difficult to accept. I know because it’s also a hard pill for me to swallow. I’m sorry if I came across as insensitive to how you’re feeling. I just don’t know how to go about this. I know you don’t want me to go. I don’t either but I also have a duty to our country. I’m afraid. I’m terrified but this is something that I have to do.”

She didn’t say a word as she continued to keep her back towards me. I couldn’t see the emotions in her eyes.

“It’s been a long journey coming home.” I tried to sound as if I wasn’t hurting inside. “I’ll take a rest first and let you think, okay?”

Slowly, I reached for her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze of reassurance that she could talk to me about whatever it was that was going on in her head—her fears, her doubts, everything. However, I acknowledge the fact that she needed some time to think things through as well. She needed her own space.

With one last sigh, I silently made my way to our room.

I did my best to sleep after changing into more comfortable clothes but all I could do was lie on our bed and stare at the dull ceiling. My body was physically exhausted but my mind was bouncing and juggling different thoughts all around. I’ve tried closing my eyes and wishing for sleep to overcome me but all I could see behind my eyelids was her saddened eyes. Bored, I turned to the side and faced my bedside drawer.

The dog tag that I wore every day since I graduated from military training sat silently on top of it. It was something I continuously wore with pride.

Then my gaze moved to a framed photo standing behind it. The frame held a photo of us sitting side-by-side on the floor of a library, our backs against the shelf, and our noses buried in two different books. It was a photo taken by a friend of ours back when we were in our last year of college. The memory was a little hazy but the warmth I felt in my chest every time I looked at it told me that it was a good and happy one.

Her question kept ringing in my ear.

Have you even tried, Changsub?

What could I do though? Pretend to get into an accident and have myself confined in a hospital until they don’t need any more soldier deployed?

I know that I didn’t try but I’ve seen fellow soldier who have and none of them ever came with good news. If anything, the frowns on their faces deepened as if they’ve been given more burden to carry.

Slightly, I shook my head and tried to sleep once more. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in that way but when I blinked my eyes open, there was no more light filtering through the window and I was lying on my back. The room had turned dark, minus the light coming from the opened bedroom door.

I noticed how the whole house was still silent. I shifted, getting ready to stand, when I felt the weight of another body curled up against my side. In the dark, I was slowly starting to see her figure as my eyes adjusted. Carefully, I turned a little to my side so that I could see her better.

Her eyes were gently closed, her lips slightly parted, as she deeply breathed in and out. One of her arms was lightly draped across my torso. I smiled at how peaceful she looked. It was a complete 180-degree turn from her distraught features earlier.

Lightly, I ran my fingers through the soft strands of her hair.

If only we could stay like this. If only I didn’t have to go. Different kinds of fear struck my heart as I absent-mindedly continued brushing her hair with my fingers.

What if I get injured? What if I lose a leg, a foot, a limb, or any kind of body part? What if I get caught as a prisoner of war? What if we get sent off to a distant place where there were barely any supplies?

What if I get caught in a rain of bullet? In a grenade’s explosion?

What if I couldn’t go back home?

What if I die?

The thoughts made me freeze, the cold slowly prickling my skin and my insides.

It was only when I felt her small hand gently circle my wrist that I realized I had stopped my movements. My eyes, which were filled with fear, gazed down towards her curious ones. The frown that was pulling down at her lips told me that she had an idea of what was going through my head. Before she could even say anything, I gave her a small smile.

“Seeing that you’ve snuggled up to me while I was sleeping,” I teased. My lips were slowly pulling up into a smirk. “Is it safe to assume that you’re going to talk to me now?”

She rolled her eyes, pulling at my wrist to remove my hand from her hair. I watched as she pushed herself up to sit before crossing her arms in front of her chest. Her cheeks were a bit puffed, her eyes cast towards the side. In a low voice, she said, “I still don’t understand why you, of all people, have to go.”

Piece by piece, I could feel my heart breaking.

“But,” she continued. “I do understand that there are things out of our control. I’m sorry for acting the way I did earlier.”

I shook my head as I shifted on the bed so that I could sit up and lean back on the headboard. “You don’t have to say sorry. There’s nothing to apologize for,” I assured her.

Only a hint of a smile made its way to her lips before she asked, “Is the offer to go for ice cream still available?”

It was adorable how she shyly asked. I couldn’t fight how my lips pulled up just to one side in an amused smile. “Oh, now you want ice cream?”

Her nostrils flared as she pouted. “Fine. Let’s not go for ice cream,” she huffed before crawling off of the bed. However, before she even got to move away, I had leaned forward to grab onto her forearm.

“Not so fast.” I chuckled before tugging at her arm to pull her towards me. She whined and made sounds of protests as I held her to me, her back against my chest. When I had secured my arms around her waist and brushed the tip my nose against the crook of her neck, she deeply inhaled and held her breath, her body stiff.

“C-Changsub,” another whine but it was obviously forced. I could almost hear how her heart was pounding wildly.

I didn’t say anything and just breathed against her skin. I took in the way she smelled and tried to embed it into my memory as much as I could. I did my best to memorize how her body felt against mine as we stayed in that position. Gradually, I could feel her stiff body loosening and molding into mine.

“Let’s have ice cream later,” I mumbled, closing my eyes and just relishing the moment. I knew that when this weekend was over, neither of us would know when this could happen again. “I want to stay like this for now,” I whispered against the exposed skin of her neck before slowly peppering butterfly kisses on it.

She let out a shaky breath and slowly nodded her head. “Okay,” she squeaked out softly and adjusted herself so that she laid comfortably against my chest.

----

They were right. The days you want to last forever pass by quickly. Part of me refused to believe that it was already Sunday evening. Even if we’ve done so many things and visited so many places over the past days, it still doesn’t feel enough. I still wanted more time to spend with her. There were still so many things I wanted to do with her.

“What’s the first thing you want to do together when you get back?” She softly asked, her eyes locked on mine as we lay on the bed facing each other.

“I want to spend it at home, with you,” I honestly told her. “And rest. Take a long sleep.”

“And what am I supposed to do while you’re sleeping?”

“Sleep?”

She rolled her eyes at that. “So, the first day you come back, we’re both going to sleep? Nice.” I didn’t miss the sarcastic tone laced in her words.

I gently smiled. “We can do all the things you want to do after I sleep. Is there anywhere you want to go?”

She thought about it, her lips pouted a little like a kid. “Coffee shop. While you’re away, I’m going to go to different coffee shops and try everything I can. When you get back, I’ll take you to the best ones I find. Bookstores too!”

I nodded at her, keeping the smile on my lips. She kept on listing down the places she wanted us to visit together. Slowly and little by little, my heart ached the more she continued. Her eyes shone with hope.

I didn’t want to disappoint her but I also didn’t want to put a damper onto her mood. The only thing I could do was to hold onto those places and make them a motivation for me to get out alive and to get back to her.

“Changsub? Are you still listening?” She huffed.

“Of course.”

“Really? Then what was the last thing I said?”

Nervously, I laughed. “Coffee shop,” I sheepishly replied.

The girl in front of me groaned as she shook her head. With a sigh, she uttered, “I knew it. You and your love for coffee.”

I moved so that I could stretch out my hands and hold hers. “Whatever it is you want to do and whatever place you want to go to, I’ll go with you. I promise,” I warmly stated, meaning each and every word of it despite the uncertainty of my return. “I’ll come back and we’ll do all the things you want to do together.”

She gazed up at me for a long time. Neither of us said a word. The only time the silence broke was when she sighed.

“Make sure you come back, okay?”

I smiled but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. I had to fight the frown that was threatening to pull down at my lips. “Of course,” I whispered. “I’ll come back. I promise.”

“Okay.”

Even if we both knew that there was no certainty, we both relished in that promise that may or may not be empty in the end.

“You should go to sleep. We have to go to the pier early tomorrow,” I told her when I realized that it was almost close to midnight. She had wanted to send me off even when I told her that she didn’t need to. But I folded in when her eyes reflected disappointment and sadness. Even if it would be difficult for the both of us, I ended up agreeing in the end.

“I don’t want to,” she mumbled like a kid. “I’m not sleepy.”

“Your eyes say otherwise,” I mused. “I know you’re tired. We’ve had a long day.”

“I don’t want to yet. I want to spend more time with you,” she shyly mumbled, a blush dusting her cheeks.

“We can sleep together.”

“Do things while awake!” She rolled her eyes. I laughed.

“Okay,” I caved in. “Reruns of your favorite show?”

Eagerly she nodded her head, the tiredness in her eyes fading away. She quickly jumped out of bed and made her way out of the bedroom. Fondly, my eyes trailed after her before I moved. I brought along with me our blanket.

I found her sitting with her legs crossed under her on the couch. The television was on and she was searching for her favorite episode.

“Come on,” she urged. “I found it.”

Smiling to myself, I situated myself next to her and wrapped the blanked around us from behind. I relaxed back onto the couch, my arm draped around her shoulder underneath the blanket. She moved so that she could easily lean her head on my shoulder.

“You better not fall asleep on me,” she threatened.

“I’m pretty sure you’ll end up falling asleep first.”

---

I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep until the stiffness around my neck woke me up. It was a little disorienting at first to wake up on the couch, with the television still blaring brightly as it continued to show episodes of the show. It took a while for my eyes to adjust thanks to the light.

I glanced to my side to see that she had fallen asleep as well. Her arms were lightly wrapped around my torso, her legs above mine and parallel to the couch, and her head was rested against my chest.

I took in the sight of her sleeping face. I memorized it all.

In the dark, I whispered how sorry I was for having to leave her alone, for having to be away for a longer period of time, and for bringing fear and uncertainty of my return.

The past few days have been filled with memories I would cherish forever and the following ones would be filled with yearning to be home and back into her arms. I was afraid, I admitted it to her yesterday. She was too but she told me that she believed that I’ll be back home before I knew it. Before both of us knew it.

She’d wait.

I’d wait as well.

I couldn’t sleep afterwards even when I moved us both to the bedroom. She had shifted when I moved her but she was back in her comfortable sleep. I just sat there, watching her. Even then, time seemed to have moved quickly. She started stirring awake.

“Good morning.” She lazily smiled.

“Good morning to you too, sleepy head.”

“Did I fall asleep? Who fell asleep first?” Her voice was still laced with sleep as she yawned through her words.

“I don’t really remember,” I admitted. “Breakfast?”

“Yes, please.”

We moved quietly. There was a solemn air around us. We both knew what was coming but neither of us talked about it vocally. However, our actions screamed how much we would miss each other.

Hands would often brush against each other. Hands holding onto and tightly grasping the other’s. Hugs that felt like an eternity. Smiles and frowns shared in between meals and short conversations.

Even when we were on our way to the pier, neither of us spoke that much. I could feel how tense she was with her sweaty palms. Her eyes would keep on darting back and forth, never staying on one point for a long time. She would keep on chewing down on her lip as well.

All I could do was hold onto her hand tightly.

“We’re here,” I whispered as the bus stopped in the pier’s terminal.

Silently, she nodded. She didn’t look up at me. Even as the bus stopped, she kept her gaze down. People were starting to unload the bus but we were unmoving.

“Hey,” I whispered, releasing her hand so that I could cup her face and gently turn her towards me.

“I don’t want you to go,” she brokenly stated. I knew there was a lump in her throat at how she forced those words. “Changsub, please.”

I silently sighed out her name as I pulled her towards me, her face pressed against my shoulder. I kept on apologizing to her in my head for putting her in this kind of situation. Slowly, I rubbed her back up and down as I felt her shoulders start to heave up and down. Muffled sobs reached my ears, urging me to hold onto her tighter.

Don’t cry, please. I wanted to plead selfishly. Over the past days, it was only now that she had openly showed her tears.

My chest was tightening as well but I couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to cry because I knew it would be harder for the both of us. I had to be strong for her.

“I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. It took a few more moments for her to calm down.

“I’m okay.” She sighed and pulled her self away. “Come on.” She stood up before smiling down at me.

My heart was in pieces but I had to move. I wore my backpack and we both went down, dreading each step.

There were soldiers and families scattered all around. You could hear the loud cries of both adults and children as they let their loved ones go. All the while as we walked, I held tightly onto her hand. If only I could keep on holding it, I would’ve.

We stopped at a relatively less crowded area. We both stood, hand-in-hand, facing the warship that I was going to board along with the other soldiers. Neither of us said a word. I felt like I couldn’t without breaking.

“You promised, remember? That you’ll come back,” she mumbled loud enough for me to hear. “You have to make good with that promise, all right?”

I glanced towards her but she kept her eyes forward.

“When you come back, we’ll visit your parents. Then we’ll visit mine. We’ll go to the different coffee shops I’ll discover while you’re away. So, you have to come back. You have to come back to me,” her voice trailed off at the end before she finally turned to me.

Tears filled her eyes but she was doing her best to keep them at bay. I noted how her shoulders rose and fell deeply.

I nodded my head at the empty promise. “You have to make sure that their coffee is great.”

A small smile. “Of course.”

We were silent once again.

I could feel my free hand twitching, wanting to hold onto her for as much as I could. A deep breath passed my lungs before I pulled her towards my chest. Tightly, I held onto her; one hand on her back and one hand on the back of her head.

“Take care of yourself. Don’t skip your meals and don’t sleep so late. I know that there will be days when work will be tough but please don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m sorry that I won’t be able to be there with you physically and even through the phone. I’m sorry that I have to leave you like this,” I poured out.

I felt her wrap her arms around me under my backpack, her hand grasping onto the back of my uniform.

“Stop talking like you’re not coming back.” Her voice was muffled against my chest.

I dryly laughed. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t worry so much about me. I’ll be okay,” she said, peering up at me as she moved back a little. Our arms were still around each other.

I looked into her eyes for a long time before I firmly nodded. We both tried to smile at each other encouragingly but there were times when we ended up grimacing. Still, it gave a small sense of comfort.

Gently, my hand on the back of her head moved towards the side of her face to cup her cheek. My thumb moved in slow circles, rubbing at her skin. Slowly, I lowered myself, my forehead touching with hers.

I watched as she slowly closed her eyes and leaned a little upwards. Just by a tiny bit, her arms had tightened around me. With my hand on her back, I pulled her towards me once again as I finally place my lips on hers. Eyes closing the moment her soft lips were against my own.

Neither of us rushed. Neither of us cared about everyone else around.

I engraved into my mind how her lips moved with mine and how she seemed to have filled all my senses with her taste, her smell, and the feel of her lips. My chest felt like it was about to burst from the emotions I was keeping inside added with those that she was making me feel through the kiss. Everything she didn’t say, she poured out into the gesture.

Hesitantly, we both pulled away a little.

The deep sound of the ship’s horn loudly rang through the air. It was time to go.

“I guess this is it,” she whispered.

Neither of us wanted to let go. If anything, she held onto my uniform a little more.

“I guess so.” I sighed, blinking my eyes open only to see her staring up at me.

“You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

I shortly nodded.

The horn rang once more. I could also hear the shuffling of boots on the cement. The cries were getting louder as well.

“You have to go,” she said but she didn’t move away.

“With how you’re holding onto my uniform, I don’t think I’ll be able to,” I teased her a little, making her laugh just a bit.

“Is it that obvious that I don’t want you to go?”

I pretended to think about it for a while. “Not so much.” I grinned before leaning down once more to kiss her for probably one last time in a long while. This time, my lips moved more fervently.

“I love you,” I whispered against her mouth when we had pulled away. “I’ll always love you, no matter how far away I am.”

I watched her smile. “I know. I love you too. As much as I want you to stay, I have to let you go now.”

We wrapped our arms around each other for one last time before we stepped away. Slowly, I walked backwards, my eyes still glued onto her. With her finger, she gestured for me to turn around so that I wouldn’t bump into anyone.

A sad smile showed on both of our faces. I stopped and gave her a salute. Even from where I stood, I clearly saw how she bit down on her lip before she nodded. She mouthed the words ‘I love you’ as I placed my hand down.

With that, I turned and started to walk along with my fellow soldiers. I wanted to turn back, to run back, and to go to some place far away. I couldn’t because I also had a duty to fulfill as a soldier of this country.

But I allowed myself one last look at where I left her. She was still there and she kept her eyes on me. Grandly, she waved her hand so that I could see. I nodded at her in acknowledgement but I couldn’t bring myself to smile anymore.

I faced forward once again, walking towards the ship that would bring us to the war zone. None of us knew who was going to come back and who was going to die on the battlefield. It could be the person in front of me or beside me. It could be me.