Made my fronting bracelet tonight. It's... I like it a lot. Took some work, as I expected, to figure out how I'd like to lay out the beads, but it's since turned out just the way I hope it would. With a little extra I think is cute!
I considered going into detail, but I'll get right to it: in the back, it has a white bead and a red bead. Between them, a square bead with a red heart on it. The round, pony beads are symbols of the flowers from the movie/our time together; white when we first met, red when I almost left...and yet, went running back.
...Haha, sometimes I feel so self-conscious at clinging to all that. It's silly, I know; some people pine a lot for the person or people that they loved; to seek connection is pretty obvious. But sometimes I worry, "Ah, will people think this is all there is to me? I'm still finding my place in the world, after all... (Is drawing enough of a hobby to be interesting?)"
But. As I've told others, I will always mentally be on that beach. That was the place everything changed for me. Flowers are so quietly important to me; the gerberas that spoke silently, and the bouquet I didn't get to receive then... I treasure them dearly. Someone loved me enough to get me gifts. It's still so novel to me, that little thing.
So... A bit of talking to myself out loud, but: I refuse to be ashamed. Our mind isn't made for my assurance, but I will force it to accept my stance. I was loved, maybe for the first time ever. I had a momentary peace that I could delude myself was safety and a future. How should I ever be expected to let that go?
(In short... I only really had Bomb Devil and Denji, in my little world. Though the former, we were forced together, and their care was a sort of pity. Still, I think of them so very, very fondly. And...I could never say enough on Denji. I think the only thing I could add is...I sort of wish I met Pochita. I'd want to apologize to him, too, and get a chance to know him beyond a mission report. He seemed pretty cool, really...)
Well, it's been a good night. Even went back to drawing to get some feelings out! I...really might make that blog; I have things to show the world, now. More than just my endless, active thoughts. I think it'll all balance out, more or less? Haha! We'll see, anyways! I need to think of what the username would be for it, besides. So there's still some time to go. (But I have a few ideas for that, too.) It's nice to have more and more things to look forward to.
-Reze (Chainsaw Man fictive) [ #🍂🐈⬛ ]
