#ceolog

in france, she remembers ever holding her father's hand because the winter was cruel, when he rubbed her hand to spark even more heat, the same smile bloomed on her face. she remembers the photo they took, asking a stranger if they could help– all three of them, tomie in her father's arms and her mom rested on their side. so close and warm were they were surrounded with the cruel winter. and jesslyn remembers how everything changed.

if to ask questions why it did, she doesn't know why. how. what changed? all she remembers was how the distance stretched them apart. she grew far away from all of it she thought she would always have it close to her.

jesslyn thought the memory will fade along with the years passed by. torn in two, her feelings; she didn't want to remember them all, she wanted to keep it still in the carnal of her heart. the feeling of wanting to be loved was never weak, worn out it was ever be but she was happy the memories never fade.

"there was a man lingering outside the residence few days ago. it was rather a bad decision and strategy if the purpose laid on spying the family. we got rid of him but i can't stay still and keep your mother in danger so i reassured she will be much safer in okinawa."

she gulps hard, stopping on her track with the papers as she rubs her temples trying to not let the headache get in to her.

"so kyoto and osaka are empty now?" jes takes a little stroll around her office, anxiety slowly build in as every word delivered by her father is nothing but more into a mess she had never imagine to be in the way.

"she'll be safe." the little reassurance erases just a bit amount of weight but it feels better than nothing. jes nods at his voice, "she has to. and how about you?" she paces another stroll, back and forth, heels clicking softly on the surface.

"i'll be flying to new york tomorrow." the previous meeting with the company's biggest shareholder hits back as she realizes it is the reason of her father soon arrival in the city. jiro indeed made such a scene during jesslyn's first grand meeting with the shareholders. his ways of putting her in the mud was almost successful, with accusations of favouritism over professionalism inside the clan, and one thing about jes not having enough experience in the field of the family's multinational manufacturer, which, it was enough to drive some of the people attending the meeting to question her ability. however, bad fortune wasn't on her side that day. she used the moment to drag him in the mud with her, might as well be done with it, while his credibility is creating a lot more questions than what he accused of her, the lack of mannerism and stained history of her own uncle with the company back in the 2019 helped into it.

"if only your brother is nothing like a greedy pig."

"tomie." she smiles wickedly at her father's tones of warning her. anger from weeks ago comes crushing back at the memory of how jiro almost ruin down her moment.

"oh, but you would agree, daddy." she walks towards the front of her desk, resting her bottom there after wearing out her legs with the little stroll she did out of her anxiety. while jun stunned at his own daughter on the other side of line, thinking of where does the attitude comes from: the sarcasm hitting a rightful spot, completely neglecting it's the fact that it's all copied from him, which the only difference is how jes delivers it more forwardly and bold with her choice of words.

"you do not worry, sir, i did amazing for the rest of the meeting despite that little pest on the floor, i didn't mind getting my hands dirty to flick it away." jun continues to be struck with no words but again, he cannot reply a word of to warn the choice of a language his daughter chooses since she is telling a train of facts and nothing else. jes rotates in her heels, walking few steps as she sits back in her chair, "renault was nothing but delightful with every single thing. they were not completely distracted with uncle jiro, however, i had a small additional talk about his accusations but they were only making sure things are handled. they knew, at least on their part, you made the right choice." jes straightens her posture when her secretary with eyes pleading saying she has no more option to hold back another schedule as the phonecall stays too long than she expected. she takes the folder her secretary offers and her laptop clutched tight to her side as the woman ushers her to walk out and telling jes she will get the rest of her remaining works handled. jesslyn hushes a small thank you at her as she clicks away fast in her step.

"i know you're sick with my words that i wish you'd still be in charge and i still need time with this responsibility but," she stops in front of the glass door of her next meeting, sighing through her nose, "those wishes still stand. and i'm sure all this would never happen. i don't mind backfiring your brother and step on his dignity all over again but if all this endangering mom and... you... i don't want it."

jun creates much more silent than jes ever created during phonecalls, there are seconds of no words before he speaks and replying back.

"you are doing amazing. keep it up. i know you can."

the inner tension of the komatsu family is up still, it's all coming from the two brothers with their parents' favouritism that tomie once thought it's pretty much understandable but still has a pinch of wrongness in it. the man she met before, her father's older brother, komatsu jiro who as far as she knows him is a hardworking person—well, everyone is hardworking with a motivation. and he does have one, which, the elderlies in the komatsu house very much against his vision. being the oldest gave him everything shoved down his self that he had to carry and the perks is what he'd be holding in the future in his two hands, wealth kept him going. the old style of this family, and favouritism of male gender as a perfect picture for an heir for the future of the company was one of the requirement he could not fullfill. not even a daughter he could give in. a bargain once happened for if, he will have a son from a mistress, that being the company will have to fall in his hands for him to lead. and of course it could not one to be accepted but he tried. he had a son. as the elderlies was welcomed with the news, knowing it's a result of a forced affair, they gave him a condition which he accepted with no question because the man do not care about nothing but to be stepping on the position he desired for.

tomie was born a year after the news. her mother sentenced to a very heartbreaking fact that she will never be able to have anymore child. tomie did bring hopes, despite being a daughter inside a house full of misogynistic, old brains, sexist men, they were still desperate for a proper heir by the eyes of public and law to run their legacy.

jiro was raging with the news and rumors around him about jun's daughter to be expected as the next heir of the company as tomie served a level above perfectness of her intelligence, just like her father, while jiro's son was not even near her progress. he knew in that moment he had lost an opportunity. just as worst expected, a solid decision was made for jun to be appointed as the company's ceo, followed by jiro as the vice president which of course, he wasn't very satisfied with the spot.

and there the story continued with jun moving out of the komatsu residence for the sake of his little family and his desire to keep things hidden about tomie, his next in line to run the company, and for another reason of him not wanting his brother, jiro, to have any idea about his daughter. jun had noticed what no one couldn't seem to see how jiro put such a massive despise for his daughter and god knows what he would do, a person like him who would never be satisfied is wicked.

yokohama, august 23rd

as soon as she arrives in front of her office, her steps halted over the voice loud enough for a room that pretty much can keep a scream to stay inside and let the sound bounce wall to wall, no hole will serve a way out. so she just stands there, assuming her father is inside with someone but did not expect it would be that person with him.

he walks out with face red and breath balled inside his chest, forcing it to come out through his mouth as he grunts but then pauses the moment he catches jes standing just near in front of him. she leans her head down but jiro komatsu just walk away immediately with eyes raging towards her. the despise in those orbs are unhidden.

she knows what's the deal now.

"good afternoon." she steps in the room to her father face tensed up while facing the scenery outside. she still doesn't want to stay even for second, now knowing what deal is, she doesn't even want to be in japan at all.

"i'm sorry but if this is about family's issue, i don't think i'll be staying and listen to it—"

"don't come to japan."

"excuse me?" the cut completely stopped her, and jes is a little confused with her father now. rushed her to come all the way here now he asks her to not come to japan until he says so? she takes few steps towards her father, face confused.

"this company you're running is part of the family, tomie, and i will tell you again to not come back here until you get a confirmation from me."

she only stares at her father, too stunned over her own head creating to many questions about a situation she still can't really comprehend or more likely she does not put so much care into it.

"is it uncle jiro? do you think he would do something while standing on thin ice in this company risking his position?" she retorts, frown went deeper on her forehead. "jiro has lost everything for what he did in 2019." jun is right. his brother crushed his own life, putting the company in shamble, disheveled, with the stock price sliding down on its lowest for the first time in many years of being stable in keeping an excellent position among many other automobile manufacturers. jes wasn't around at that time but she caught up with the situation through her mother. she knew how her father took all the bullets while jiro ran to overseas to hide, leaving all his shame staining the family's name.

"the man got nothing to lose. he could do anything with whatever he has left in his hands." jes looks at his father then looks away the moment her father swifts to her direction. she keeps holding back the words of her assumption that her father is afraid to lose his wealth and essential position in the company, hurting her own heart that she again assumes he doesn't really care about her situation in this tight position.

"then what's his motivation? what would keep him going if the family will not have him back? there's no reason for him to destroy something, dad, you won't go broke, your wealth won't fall to him, you will not lose your position —"

"i cannot risk your life! i will never be able to look at you and your mother if i failed to protect you, and i don't want to witness your sadness if this affects your son —"

"my son?" her heart pounding twice harder and faster, her son's name leaving jun's lips has jes on the edge, an immediate anger rushes in her.

"does he know anything, ANYTHING, about my son?" she steps in front of her father now searching for his eyes to find his truth.

"no, he doesn't know even a bit about him or does he even exist, jiro does not know." jun grabs firmly on jes' shoulders, his face now truly shows how concerned he is, a bit of hopefulness in his orbs as his lips tremble. "listen to what i ask you to do and jiro will never lay a hand on your family."

jes cannot think for seconds when her son is mentioned and her mind running every single possibilities she could do to keep him safe. anything but him, please she pleaded in her tangled thoughts. her eyes find her father's again, this time she softens up to towards the old man, nodding to his request.

"few days ago two of the elderlies died of food poisoning. we decided to kept things inside the walls because it was uncommon and as we thought it's true, two of them who were the ones approving your position, there are six, four approved. they are important people in komatsu family and without the four on your side, it would be a piece of cake to step you down from your role. jiro would have the upper hand of the other two who were against you. this is an assumption, tomie, but please, i can't risk you into this." her father has a last second of staring at his daughter before looking away not giving jes a glimpse of himself or the chance of jes to know what he feels through the emotion he cannot hold back. "you have your own thoughts of me frightened of losing my wealth as much as you want, but i've told you everything i want you to hear, i can't lose my only daughter."

her face twitches at his last words. breathing now heavy as her eyes feel hot that she tries to blink it away. "what about mom?" jun still has his back facing his daughter, "she will be staying in osaka for awhile." her chest is less heavy, looking down to her feet, then up back to her father as her tongue feels stiff all of a sudden, numb and suddenly foreign over words. "what ... what about you?" her voice comes out small but the man hears her clear. "i'll be staying with your mother. don't you worry about us."

hours through the day, jes is sure it's good, as far as she can see and she does hope it will stay this peaceful until part of her body will touch the mattress.

demon works harder, it seems.

when her phone rings, a very clear grunt escapes her lips. she ignores it, for some seconds it goes on ringing and buzzing against the wooden glass plated desk while she is packing up her stuff, tidying up the space and papers, then it rings again, this time it pokes on her nerves but peeking at the screen and the name calling to her number, she paused for a solid 10 seconds before she picks the call, still surely annoyed.

"i'm busy."

"i believe you're off with everything by now, honey."

jes frowns at the name, feeling like it all drives back to her childhood life. a little odd in her chest now hearing it.

"mm-hm, i guess you know everything, dad. did you have the bodyguard told you about things i do daily? tell me when is the time i go to bed and kiss my son good night."

she is not sure herself where all this comes from. the way she talks to her father now, she was never the type to snap back, while she once thought she would love to try to, because keeping things that she is dying to tell locked down deep in her head is painful. maybe a little bit of what she is been keeping away is slowly flowing up to the surface by now. but she is not proud of it.

she is tired, her mind is near to explode, she was thinking of needing a little guidance, then as the usual, she cannot even put it into words, to ask for help. she is afraid of failing, afraid of losing track, afraid of being truthful and the probability of shame she has to take if there's any of it, she can't even cry to anyone.

"tomie, i just want to tell you that probably at the near end of the year you'll have to go to france, it's very important. they will have you scheduled into a meeting and more essential things coming up when you finally there."

there's a pause. she feels so childish for having these thoughts, she feels like it's not right, it's wrong, it's prohibited to feel weak and tired. jes walks to the center of the room, standing there in a continuously silent pause.

"i start to think that i'm not capable of this, this heritage, that shoved into me ever since the first memory i can recall, the responsibility –"

"you have to. i don't take anything but a yes from you. you must go."

the shame begins crawling in her back, spread all over her now. jes smiles, a hurtful curve of her face at the quick cut of his dad which she didn't saw it coming, that she hoped he would listen, at least for this one.

another silent fills in while jes still standing doing nothing but stare at the blank wall.

"i can't have this fall to somebody else, you have to know that. you gained everything this company needs, the choice i made is correct. you have to give it your all."

the words doesn't even make sense to her or probably jes just don't want to listen to any of words her father says. but she takes the little hint of it, she understands, at least in her own understanding.

"you will never listen, dad, if anything, you will only listen to yourself and have me mute the whole time ... by the way, i'd rather have you here face to face, we talk, we argue, you name it. my most respectful apologize, sir, this phone call is ridiculous."

during some critical moments, her brain does create a lot of not so clever idea, including this exact time. instead of choosing to sleep, to give it a rest for an hour, she thinks of anything else to help her stay eyes wide open. she puts down the papers that its corner curved by the many hours she has been holding and flipping it page to page, over and over. as she walks to the kitchen, she spares some minutes to check on her son, ken, who's recently had a hard time sleeping after she went to the doctor to get a check on the boy because he has been crying a lot, said that he got a fever over his growing tooth.

this, is also the reason she has a hard time doing her work and been getting out of the space to stay focus.

jes whistles as she looks inside the fridge, then eyes to the door when she spots a bottle of suntory whisky sitting there unopened. she grabs it out, taking the glass that came along with the drink when it's given to her, she fills it up with ice cubes before pouring it full in the glass. no, she doesn't know if this drink need is neat or whatever, she just need to drink something. the first taste was odd, with her eyes squinting as she takes the second sip, shrugging at the more decent and apparently nice taste on her tongue.

"alright, where were we?" jes comes back with the glass of whisky and the bottle, in case the taste is going to be addictive for her likings. back to her laptop and papers, developing materials of her next meeting to bring back the matter of car paints which not only she assumes, as well as it is supported by facts in field she found them out herself, that the manufacturing shall bring back some of the classic taste. however, she can't lie, she does bring her own likes in this matter. going back and forth from work to her drink that is now is her third pour, she begins to feel hear eyes heavy but she is entirely awake and energetic. by the time she is done, jes looks over the clock ticking in 5AM, the bottle of whisky is almost empty. she grabs on her phone, mind begins to gear up into thoughts and a lot of anything else, she picks up on her emergency contacts, mindlessly sending texts before she flops the phone screen down on her desk. now standing up to go somewhere, feeling a huge amount of sorry in her whole body and soul suddenly.

　　　　とみえ　　ひめ

"congratulations!"

"welcome to the company, miss komatsu!"

everything feels so new. so odd. bizarre. she can't really say that she is happy, all her heart and mind synchronising into one that is relief. she's almost dizzy with people circled around her, clapping hands, bowing down and saying words to her, too she is not yet recover from the previous event of what she can say now it was successfully done, flawlessly, though she can't lie it was a nerve breaking moment. it's her first time, don't blame her.

とみえ　　　ひめ

you can do it, nothing about this would be the reason of the end of the world!

she never expected wearing heels would be this tiring— while heels aren't something foreign for her feet, perhaps the situation makes everything feel much more extra. she is not even near the word late, far away from the time set for the nerve wrecking situation yet jes walks like the rent is chasing her just meters away in her back. she has never been this nervous and she can say this moment is second to when she gave birth to her beloved son.