#ceasing to exist

...Okay, they did it in two years, but I digress. I'm also going to retake at least one of my matriculation examinations, specifically Biology. I would retake psychology, but they're on the same day, and I don't think it would be possible for me to study with 100% dedication for both of them. I'm not going to kid myself when it comes to that. I'm not strong or capable enough. I'm also starting a couple of extra courses. One is basic drawing, which last for like, two months but is held 3 times a week, with at least 3 hours each time. The second is a language course, this time German. For the past, what, five years? It's been Japanese. I can understand it pretty well, can hold conversation and read hiragana and katakana. Still can't read kanji to save my life, though.

But, it's like... I only kept studying because I felt that's what I was supposed to do. I started it so might as well see it to the end, right? But somewhere along the line it became... boring. And pointless. It feels that way, anyway. So I decided to switch it up a little, especially since I didn't need to ask mom to pay for my courses this time.

But now these newer courses feel pointless, along with getting the degree. And none of them have even begun yet! Just a couple of days ago I still thought that I would get over that feeling after my internship ends. After all, these last two months have been quite a pain, and a source of deeper depression. Now, I just don't know. I know what I should do. I should work hard to get that degree done on time, study up biology again, actually learn something on the courses, make/get gifts for Christmas and moms birthday, get the books for next years entrance exams, get a job (preferably two) atleast for the summer, save up money and most importantly, stay sane, get along with everyone and pretend everything is still fine. That I'm still fine and totally not having meltdowns almost every goddamn day over the most pointless shit possible.

I don't have a valid reason to complain. I have a roof over my head, a good chance for education, I actually have a choice in what I eat and when, unlike millions and millions of less fortunate people in this world. I have seen three different school nurses, two school doctors, one actual doctor and one actual psychologist. I've also had some sort of family counseling when I was in elementary, but that was for a real problem, not mind made-up bullshit that I'm spewing. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia since middle school, but I'm pretty sure it was just hormones.

God, I just wish I could just cease existing, you know? Holla at existence and be all, 'hey, this has sure been fun and all, but do me a favor and pretend I never existed in the first place, mkay?' and then I would do an awesome 3xbackflip out of space-time-whatever itself with the grace of a falling whale.