#caution while reading

Ache. 

Many types of ache exist in the world. 

From the physical ache of old injuries - 

His hands, so gnarled and broken over the years, no longer able to thread the line of a fishing pole. Scar tissue marred his face and pulls at the corner of his lip; his back is more broken skin then muscle any more. The once welcomed breeze off the ocean now stings at his injuries and gives him reason to shiver that evening. 

He was forced to his knees beneath the glow of a single lantern, a motion that had him murmuring with pain. The years had not been kind to the old captain, the scars that disfigured him could attest. But a hissed growl from the Roegadyn woman at his side had silenced him. 

She had promised him freedom. Spoken of his hearts true desire, the only dreams he still clung to so hopelessly in the middle of the night when sleep was outside his grasp. She was not a kind woman, but what else did he have to lose? He was a broken, lonely man, patiently waiting for death to claim him. Oh the sweet embrace it would be; at least he would be reunited with those who had parted before him. 

But this offer? This once in a lifetime chance? He saw no other option than to reach for it with both mangled hands. Just maybe it would be enough to breathe life into him once more; to rekindle a spark that had been snuffed out years ago. Time and time again the little flame in his thundering heart had left him. He has suffered so much loss. 

“Twelve, please...” He whimpered brokenly to any deity that would hear him. “Give me this at least...” 

Just as his captor rose to her feet, a massive ax clutched in her hands, footsteps echoed. 

They were along the coastal region of La Noscea to be sure, some long abandoned port that was previously overrun with carnivorous beasts. What were once pristine white buildings were now dilapidated skeletons. The only light casting long shadows was the swaying lantern, rocking listlessly in the breeze. The ebb and flow of the tide beneath the dock seemed to fade with the approach of the stranger; everyone in his company, including himself, held their breath. 

From the darkness she emerged, stepping cautiously into the pool of color and light. The dock creaked beneath her footfalls. And all at once, Eyriwolk choked on a strangled gasp. 

Snowy white hair glittered beneath the faint lanterns glow; familiar mismatched eyes widening as she looked him over. He would know this girl from a crowd of thousands and it made his broken heart swim for the first time in many moons. 

Caution was thrown to the wind as the ran the short distance between them, the jetty beneath them all swaying in the tide. Although shackled still as he was, he raised his bound arms to catch her as she hurled herself to her knees before him, her own arms immediately thrown around his neck. 

Scars along the length of his neck and scattered across his now thin shoulders kept him from feeling the sting of tears falling, staining his already tattered and dingy shirt. But he felt her sobs in the way her shoulders hitched; he could hear it in her broken hiccuped voice. His own tears welled and crested over his swollen cheeks. 

His daughter. His sweet, beloved daughter. 

She had grown since the last he laid eyes on her. From a little pup with a permanent scowl, to a beautiful young woman. He had never known such pride until now. 

The woman pulled herself from him, taking his too thin shoulders in her hands and looked him over with bleary eyes. 

“Da’...” There was hurt in her voice as she took in what the years without her had done to him. Once a powerful Roegadyn himself, who could eat supper for two without batting an eye and sang sea shanties well into the night with his crew; now little more than skin, bone, and pain. 

“She said I could see ya’ again, lass.” Eyri choked on his own voice, the smile on his lips hurting his cheeks. How long had it been since last he smiled? 

With this, mismatched eyes lifted from his to stare up at the company he shared. 

There had been three others in total. The ax wielding mountain of a woman, Eyri had to double take at the resemblance she shared with his own daughter. A hyuran woman, young and frail who hadn’t spoken a word since they had taken him from his handlers. The way her eyes seemed vacant had unnerved him dearly. And the third, a Garlean man. However, he was more machine and technology than man any longer. Magitek parts kept him together like some old broken toy, a patchwork of metal and weeping flesh. 

The roe woman moved between them, her ax breaking their reunion. 

Kiri reeled back on her heels, not quite knocked back but still unsettled. “Yer letter,” his daughter ground out as she rose to her feet. So tall she had become, no longer the little pup he had found stranded on some island out at sea. “Ya’ wanted ta’ bargain?” 

Her eyes shift between the company. Eyri feels his stomach churn as the conversation begins to fill in the missing pieces he lacked. Why would anyone free a slave to reunite him with lost family? Kindness? Not in this cruel world. 

But he had been desperate to see her. At least one last time. 

It was the Garlean that advanced next, his movements mechanical and jittery. “My my! You’ve grown!” He announced with a voice filled to the brim with joy and happiness. Did he know Kirishimi? Had Eyri’s assumptions of her past been accurate all these years? 

Was Kirishimi Garlean? 

But Kiri crossed her arms, shifting her weight from one foot to the other impatiently. “Sorry, mate, but have we met?” Before she receives an answer, she moves on to her next question. “What do you want?” 

“Ah, you waste no time I see. Fair enough.” The Garlean man reaches a hand for Eyriwolk’s head, patting ever so softly at his now silver touched hair. If he had been stronger, younger, Eyri would have taken that hand and cast the man into the ocean in one swift motion. Instead he deigned to grimace. “A trade, my dear Warrior of Light.” 

Eyri’s stomach falls. His blood runs cold as ice. His round eyes stare blankly up at his daughter, her stony features and furrowed brow only causing his heart to thunder like drums in his ears. “No-” 

“You, for your fathers freedom.” 

“No!” Eyri finds his voice at last and calls out with a boom that shakes his core and echoes along the forgotten stonework of the ruined port. His eyes search hers although she does not remove her fixated stare from the Garlean before her. “Kirishimi, you bull headed- Don’t’cha DARE think-” 

It is the sound of metal grinding metal that stops him cold. The blade of an ax drags across his shackles, just shy of taking fingers. A practiced swing or a lucky miss; no matter which, the action had startled both he and Kirishimi. 

There’s a feral look to her mismatched eyes as she glares and snarls at the roe woman. “Bitch-” 

“Not my name,” The woman sighs casually and hefts the ax over her shoulder. “But nice guess.” 

“Ladies! Please!” The mechanical man steps to the other side of them. “Lani, take a seat and cool off for a moment, hm?” 

There’s a groan of protest, but the woman abides and marches out of Eyri’s sight, no doubt alongside the other girl lurking in the shadows at the edge of the dock. 

“Look at your father, dear. The man who raised you. Took you in and cared for you.” The man kneels beside Eyri now, grabbing him forcefully by the chin and tilting his head back. He squints against the light of the lantern but sees the concern glittering in Kiri’s eyes. The tears beginning to shimmer beneath her thick lashes. “He hasn’t much life left to him. Refuse and he will be returned at once to the slaver that neglects him.” 

Eyri tries to plead with Kirishimi but his voice is lost to the Garlean man. 

“Where’s Lynawyb?” She asks at last, tearing herself to look away from him. “The letter said-” 

“Ah. There was a... lack of communication, to put it simply. At the time the missive had been sent, we had the full intention to return both your parents to you.” He says this sorrowfully, as if truly apologizing for the misunderstanding. 

Eyri’s heart echoes with a hollow thump in his chest. His wife... His wife... 

Kiri lurches forward and grabs the collar of the mans shirt, dragging him to his feet despite the weight of his metal parts. Her lips curl back as a snarl fills the night air. “Where is she?!” 

But the man is once more unaffected and merely chuckles. “...Why not ask your father? Eyriwolk, be a sport and tell her?” 

Her grip loosens and the man slips away as her eyes slide back down to Eyriwolk. Her lips tremble even as her jaw slackens. “...What?” 

“Gods, please!” Eyri fights through a sob that makes his throat hoarse. He casts his eyes away, shaking, his whole body shaking. “She shouldn’t have’ta hear it.” The memory will always be fresh in his mind. From the scent of ash and smoke, to the wails and cries echoed on the wind. 

But without telling her, Eyriwolk has already shown her. 

Kiri crouches suddenly with a hand to her temple. 

Lynawyb, his beloved wife... The woman she called mother... 

Eyriwolk’s last memory of her is of a frail woman cradled in his arms. Crimson blossoms across her apron. Blood splutters in her mouth and spills over her lip as she stares up at her husband with hopeful, broken eyes. She had been cut down in an attempt to free themselves, and others, from their hell. Countless others lay motionless around them while the house of their captor burned. 

“Don’t’cha cry....” Lyna had whispered. “I’ll go see... Fraethota first... I’m sure she’s waitin’...” Trembling as she was, the dying woman clutches her husbands hand. “...A-And if you see her.... Tell our little pup.... Her ma’ loves her....” 

To the ache of the heart- 

Hours had come and gone. She tried to drown out the pain as her lip was split from a punch; desperate to busy her mind with thoughts of Hien and the others as she heard her arm snap and Lani curse her to the Hells and back. 

Hien... 

His coronation was only days away. He had been a child at a carnival with excitement for it as he and his company delighted in the details of the festivities they would have. He would be King or Emperor or something along those lines, Kiri couldn’t focus long enough to remember which it was... But she knew he would be perfect for the job. He would do his father and mother proud while ruling Doma. But... he would have to do it alone. 

Eyriwolk...

Kiri tried to forget the events that transpired only hours ago before she had been thrown like cargo onto an airship. The trade agreement had been complete, she should have been elated. Her father was a free man once more. It would be a shell of a life, broken as he was... But what better gift was there than freedom? 

The chains at her wrist rattle and slither across the floorboards as she lays herself down. Lani had exhausted herself for the evening, talk of resuming her punishment in the morning was the last Kiri had heard before she slammed the door to her cell and locked it. 

Lynawyb... 

A sob, painful as it was to even breathe, ripped through Kiri as she lay curled in on herself, knees to her stomach and shackled hands buried against her drumming heart. The echo had granted her one last chance to see Lynawyb alive. All she had ever wanted for all these lonesome years was to know her family was still breathing and living... but what sort of life had that been? How long had Lynawyb been waiting for rescue? How many nights had she stared up helplessly at an expanse of star dusted sky and wished on every falling star for her freedom? Just how many nights... did Lynawyb dream of the day the Warrior of Light... her own daughter... save her from her misery? 

Coward... 

She had been a coward for not searching for them all these years. Fear of what she might find had kept her from investing herself to the task... And now? 

Heeyeon hates the silence. She hates how people are so calm despite the rage that burns deep within her. She hates how her silence silences them. She hates how her silence solicits pitiful stares at her. She hates her own silence. She hates all the silence they push her into.

They do not know. No. They just pretend that they do, but they don’t They do not know that silence, above everything else, triggers her. Silence is a soft white canvass ready to be poured with black emotions. Silence is the perfect background for the raging demons to slowly whisper against her ears, reminding her of everything, and letting her nail herself into those moments until it consumes her. And those demons succeed. Every. Single. Time.

“Don’t you try to forget woman! I made you! You would not be what you are now if it wasn’t for me!”

“You were once involved with them, am I right?”

“Let me tell you something. You almost got him killed.”

“You and your selfish little rusty heart.”

No. I don’t.

“Why,it’s you, the flower bearer.”

“Don’t try to erase your mistake by saving a life. I know what you did.”

I did not mean to.

“You lost yourself woman.”

“This little girl? Do you think she’d like it if she knew what her mother really is?”

No! Not my little one!

“Noona.. I... came here for you but....”

“Such a sad reunion.. tsk tsk.”

DON’T!! PLEASE!!

“Oops. Bad shot. Should’ve been you instead.”

“Would you take the bullet for her?”

“Hell is waiting for us.”

STOP!! PLEASE... STOP!

But she couldn’t fathom it anymore. Voices bombarded her along with the memories of that fated night. Woojin’s face. Hyoeun. The sight of her being carried by the evil in the form of Kazu, holding a gun with the other hand. Everything went back in full circle. That so called silence made its way for doom to come and relive itself again.

I don’t want this anymore.

But she could not escape the fact that she handed Hyoeun to Kazu with her own hands the moment she decided to be involved with him.

It wasn’t what I wanted.

But her choices were mistakes she could not undo. The damages were too severe before she knew it.

Let this stop!!

But she could not deny the fact that it ultimately ruined her. Everything. Even her small little bundle of hope had shattered when she did it.

“Eomma. Eomma.”

“Can you hear her cries? Do you hear her now?  Too late. You already ignored her for so many times!”

I didn’t!

“Oh boy, you did.”

No!! I did not!

“So do you want me to tell you every single thing? Like when you finally noticed her cries....

STOP! I DID NOT DO THAT!

“..you took her small hands and led her to the balcony.”

THAT IS NOT TRUE!

“..and she mindlessly follows you as a child follows her mother.. and you. You took her with you to the edge of the balcony. your feet coming in together...”

YOU ARE A LIAR!

“WAKE UP AND SEE THE TRUTH HEEYEON!”

NO!

“You tried to kill her. YOU TRIED TO KILL YOUR CHILD.

I was just trying to bring her...

“to where? to the pit of your own downfall?”

No. I will bring myself. Only myself in.

She was delirious. Or is it just the truth facing her and rubbing them against her wounded psyche? Most probably it is. Because these are the things that they push her to try to forget. But she just couldn’t. She just wouldn’t.

There is only one thing that she needs to do to make it right. She knows. She knew all along. But she was always hesitant. Why? Because she was trying to escape the truth. She was making her believe that she is a victim of her circumstances. That she was only led to do what she has done. But she is the perpetrator of it all. And what better way to end this than to make things right.

I will not bring her down with me.

I’m sorry Hyoeunnie.

엄마 was wrong. I should’ve not done that to you.

엄마 will make it right now.

She was at the edge. At the very edge of sanity in the same way her feet was swallowed by the sea water. All the way up to her knees and going up. There was the rain and the tears mixed as they rolled down her face, the small sobs crying for forgiveness, crying for help. To end this all.

Call me.

She does not want this, after all.

Call me.

She wanted to believe that she was trying to save her child.

But the only way is there, there.

The noise of the raging winds and the chaotic waves of waters.

She walks deeper and deeper.

Falling into the abyss of her own demise..

"AHN HEEYEON!!!”

She refuses to hear. It’s too late.

“AHN HEEYEON!!!!”

Don’t. Let me. Let me be. 

“I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU DIE!”

There was a sting across her neck.The pain encapsulates her as she struggles for her freedom against Jeremy’s sturdy arms pulling her away from the sea. But he was pulling her freedom away from her.

LET ME END IT!! THIS HAS TO BE THE ONLY WAY!

But only silence was all she could ever convey.

There is no salvation. Not even he can hear her cries. Not even he could ever hear her last goodbye

But he shook her. He shook her body so hard that she could feel her muscle strength drain.

“SO YOU DIE AND THEN WHAT? You think Hyoeun would be happy to know that? You think she’d lead a good life with her mother gone? And then what happens? Does your problem resolves when you are gone? Don’t you think you are the worse by leaving it all to Hyoeun by herself at such a tender age? DON’T BE SELFISH HEEYEON. THINK OF HER. THINK OF YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!”

He shook her to the core. He has a point. But what could she do? What could a broken and ruined woman could to for her own child after all that had happened?

Tell me.

Tell me the sense in existing.

Tell me the sense in living.

“In this entire world, no matter how fucked up it is, there would be at least one person whose your existence means his/her own world. There are things that are beyond your control but there is one thing that is given to us and one which we control. Choice. Free will. If you weren’t able to use it wisely before, why not do it now? Why not choose to hold on and move forward? Stop being a coward, Heeyeon. You must face your fears and mistakes and conquer it. Defeat it and make your child proud.  She needs you more than you need her. If you cannot live for yourself then at least live for her. If that is how she means so much to you.”

Little did she know she was letting it all out. The sound of her cries, the sound of her sorrow flowing down in her teardrops. There were so many mistakes she has done, too many that she wan’t too sure if she could redeem herself, especially in front of her own child whom she had wronged the most. Because how do you face again a child whom you had once thought of killing along with you? How do you face her if you are so devastated that you could not even face your own self, your own actions and its own consequences? How can you face life when you’ve been drained and abused by it for so long? Could there be any way? Is there really any way?

It’s too hard to think, it exhaust her so much that all she could ever do was just to cry and nothing else. Cry because it is all she is capable of doing. There were so many questions she could have thrown but she couldn’t. It is as though fate had deliberately let her caged in her own thoughts and never let it out. If she could only say a word....

“That’s it. Cry. Cry all you want.”

And how was it possible that there is this one person who fully understood her despite the void of words? Who knew the right strings to pull and the right words to say? Who can see the light and all its positives even though he himself had faced so much? How can he be still standing right in front of her, eyes staring at me tenderly as though a woman so broken like her is the purest thing he’d ever laid his eyes upon?

Jeremy.. .

If he could only hear her words...

Yet her whimpers were all she could give.

Jeremy...

It was now a void of everything, only of her cries and the image of this man taking care of her like she is a fragile art. He was now standing in front of her, cloaking a warm and soft towel around her drenched body. 

Thank you..

Her hands crawled around him, holding him tight as another round of tears came running down her eyes.

Thank you so much, Jeremy..

She held on to him like he is her own lifeline. She held on to him like how she should held on to her dear life. The tears ran down as she realizes all the mistakes she is continually doing, of the choices she had taken that had kept her being broken instead of being fixed. She held onto him like how she should hold on to her one and only child, her Hyoeun, her only source hope and salvation.

“Remember that there will always be at least one person who would stay and be with you regardless of what you are, of who you are. Who would support you unconditionally. Remember, there’s Hyoeun waiting for you..”

He took her face with his gentle hands, caressing her cheeks as he wiped the tears.

“And I. I will always be here for you, Heeyeon-ah.”

His lips kissed her damp hair, and slowly made its way to plant a kiss on her swollen eyes, as though begging it to stop. Then it slowly ran down to touch her nose, going down finally to her lips. She closed her eyes, receiving him, surrendering all of her pains and sorrows and just savoring this moment.

Because for once, she felt clean. Amidst her broken state, she felt like a person. He made her feel like she’s pure. He made her feel alive.