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me, hearing a plaintive little meow and a rootling in the treats bowl, before a demure paw is placed upon my knee: ah yes, cat balls 1 is home 🥰
me, hearing scratching-on-computer monitor noises, jumping on keyboard noises, an unearthly yowl, the dying squeal of half a mouse, mr balls’ voice going i swear to fuck i will cook you! i will cook you tonight! it’s cat curry for dinner! and the knocking over of an entire tray of warhammer figurines: ah yes, cat balls 2 is home 🥲
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Miss Balls may we see the cats
u may
cat balls 1 😇
cat balls 2 👹
me: now, cat balls 1 and 2, we’re guests in this house and that means no going on the beds and just napping on your cushions. i’m sure you won’t find this hard because neither of you ever go on the beds in our house and only nap on the cushions anyway!
cat balls 1: 😇👍🏽
cat balls 2: 🌚🖕🏽
i feel like all my cat balls posts about cat balls 2 acting like a fucking jungle raccoon unfairly makes it seem like cat balls 1 is normal. cat balls 1 is not normal. cat balls 1 only drinks from human water glasses, and has two special chairs to sit at the dining table when we have dinner or cook. he gets mad if anyone else sits on either of them (see: him trying to intimidate mr balls out of sitting on special chair 1 in photo 2). cat balls 1 thinks he’s a person. cat balls 1 is a tory. cat balls 1 would have voted brexit if he could.
So we don’t ever eat fast food in our house ourselves, so our cats have no exposure to the concept of chicken nuggets. We had our regular sitter over yesterday because we were both travelling for work and she had apparently ordered in McDonalds for herself. Midway through her meal, she feels a sudden weight on her lap.
And then slowly, a face peeks around the bag. Lo and behold, it was Cat Balls I, who is normally extremely shy with strangers to the point he has never once shown his face to her except to eat his food in record time and fuck off back out. Apparently he just. Sat like this on her legs for the entire time the poor girl was eating her dinner. Just peeking around the McDonalds bag and looking at the box of chicken nuggets with such immense yearning at a thing he has never known, and will never know. Saudade indeed.
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me: come inside, cat balls 1 and 2, the red kites are swooping around and though you are both living and breathing rotundly and running around the garden like rats, let’s not take any chances at you being mistaken for carrion shall we
cat balls 1: stops running around the garden
cat balls 1: obediently trots inside, being fully aware that from the lofty perch of a scavenging bird, it is fully possible to be mistaken for a carcass
cat balls 2: stops running around the garden
cat balls 2:
