#casey davis

I think you saw it first. The darkness settling in behind the blue eyes. Protons and electrons charging around me. You noticed the line that formed along my jaw. I’m not sure when I was never the same again, when I was never coming back, but you saw it first.

Did you see what prowled underneath when you said you liked my boots? I had no idea I was so desperate for a friend until you shook me out of my constant state of drifting. You had pulled me out. And although everyone said you were bad, I didn’t see the same evil that was in me in you.

You were harmless. But you were stunning. You made me feel that feeling you feel when you don’t even know what the fuck you’re feeling anymore. Every time you offered me a cigarette or a shity beer, my stomach would flip, my chest would pound and my mind would clear. Because I was there with you. When no one else showed up for me, I counted on you for a sick joke, or radical suggestion or smooth pick up line. Nothing in my life meant as much to me, as you do.

But now you’re gone. I’d never been so scared of losing something in my entire life. Forever and permanently.

I missed your laugh and how it was always chased by the wickedest smirk. I missed the sound of your boots as you jumped from bleacher to bleacher without a care of how loud you were. I missed the way you cared for me and pushed me to the edge of uncomfortableness when you showed me any remote sign of tenderness.

I missed the opportunity to keep you safe. I forgot to keep the promise I swore to you. I failed to kill the bastard who took you from us.

I’ve changed. No matter how many times you call me Nightmare. Or Darkside. It’s in my eyes as I avoid looking at you. It’s in the touch you try to find when I pull away from your hand. And it’s in the tone of my voice when I promise you again that I won’t let that murdering bastard breathe another breath.

I want you to know, but I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to bring the monster within out into the light. It’s safer that it stays hidden. Safer that you don’t know and we don’t acknowledge it.

That’s not what happened.

Every monster that I put down couldn’t fill the hole inside my hurting heart. I realized I was getting closer to BECOMING one of the monsters. It took a “monster” to open my eyes to that and showed me that even a “normal” human can be the monster.

It’s hard. Some days are easier than others, but I can’t let fear and bloodlust be what drives the organization. I joined EARS when I was a hurting young girl, and now, I see that EARS is hurting too. Like hell am I going to just stand by and let the organization turn against itself. EARS can be the organization that helps, but we’ve got to start over.

I had everything laid out the night before. My backpack, briefcase, lunch bag, outfit and even Cosmo, but still I felt like I was forgetting something as I rushed out the front door. Juggling a thermos of coffee with my keys, I dumped everything in the passenger seat of my van.

The pleasant chime of a text notification went off. It was the tenth one that morning. As I bit into my toast, walking around to the driver side door, I opened up my messages app and couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

“Have a wonderful first day, Director!” Theo had texted, several emoticons included.

“Kick ass Ms. Director.” Anna sent.

“Good luck!” Mark simply wrote.

“Excited to hear how your first day goes. You’re going to do great. See you tonight at your celebration dinner!” Read Kira’s message. She had been one of the first to text me, of course.

My team had messaged me with excited and supporting notes of encouragement. The most recent text though was from my brother Jesse, probably hustling into his own car as well.

“Today’s the day. My little sister becomes the boss. How the hell did that happen?! Did you change the timeline again?! You’re going to change this organization Casey. See you at the office.”

I paused a moment, sitting in my van, reading his message and thinking about how I’d gotten here. “Fuck.” My EARS badge was still sitting on my bathroom sink!

I was LATE! Late on my very first day as the MOTHERFUCKING Director!

“Shit, shit, shit!” I hissed, swiping my badge over the security system in the elevator allowing me to go up. “HOW, Casey Davis?” I asked myself out loud, “Could you be late to the MOST important day of your life as the new Director. Not to mention, the organization is ALREADY crumbling and being questioned by outside agencies. And YOU couldn’t get out of bed soon enough to arrive on time to the office?!”

The doors dinged open and there stood no firing squad on the other side. Just a quiet floor of empty cubicles and the hum of lights. My new office was on the far side. Navigating through the room was eerie. This floor always stood empty, except for The Director and if you were sent here as an agent, it was either for something very good or very bad. But I hoped to change that. Starting today. And an hour late.

“Huh. Great first impression.” Accosted the mousy brown haired woman waiting just inside my office.

“Author.”

“Director.”

“Remember it.” I warned her, but did not put a menacing threat behind it. “Glad to see you’ve recovered well.”

“Yeah, well, having the butt of a gun get slammed down on my collar bone and a bullet to the thigh can put you in physical therapy for a bit.” She said, edging on the side of anger.

“True. But, knowing that someone close to me was playing me and going against the organization takes the trust out of the relationship, don’t ya think?” The air was tense a moment and I met her eyes, “I’m truly glad you’re healing and on my side. But if we’re to work together, honestly work together, your grudge needs to stay at the lobby of this building. Do I make myself clear?”

She looked at me, evaluating, as she had always done when I worked under her. Finally she nodded, “You know how to push the buttons to make the changes needed.”

I’d be more calm if I was facing a pack of werewolves. Or a bloodthirsty vampire. Even challenging my boss is less terrifying than riding this elevator up thirty five flights to tell Tessa that she damn well better call me. 

I rub my palms on my thighs. The numbers climb until it dings pleasantly and opens to a destroyed office and debriefing of Tessa and... Sigma. I instantly bristle at the sight of him and struggle to restrain myself. You’re here for her, I remind myself and refocus on the most confident woman in the room. 

Clipped extremely short, Tessa’s black hair glossy is slightly mussed. An agent is asking her a series of questions and writing down her responses in a notepad while Tessa herself stands with arms crossed, shoulders slightly sagging with tiredness. If I could sweep her away from it all, I’d have done just that hours ago, but, as it turned out, I had been a pawn in another person’s a game of power and manipulation. But... it made her safe. And it’s worth it if it means Tessa would to be protected and only my pride bruised. 

I’m stare at Tessa long enough before her dismantling eyes catch me. Surprise flashes across her face. Swiftly, I close the distance between us, taking her away from the suit and into the unoccupied panic room of the too wealthy office. The heavy door thuds behind us, locking them out and us in. They pound at the door, more in frustration and surprise rather than panic. 

“Casey, what the fuck? What the hell are you doing?” 

“I had to come back. I couldn’t let that be my goodbye.”

“Goodbye? I told you I’d call you.”

“Oh yeah? And what about what Sigma said? To not make promises you can’t keep. Who’re you going to listen to, someone you haven’t seen in twelve years or the guy who’s protected you and saved your life too many times in those twelve years?” 

“That’s not fair.”

“But I’m right, aren’t I?” 

“Casey, what are you doing?” 

“Trying to tell you to call me. To not leave me... I’ve never stopped thinking about you. About how we met in the hallway of our high school, how good it felt to feel your hand touching mine again, all of the time we spent at our bench and the unabashed air of confidence that you carry unconsciously.”

Pink hues emerge on her cheeks, which I’m sure are mirrored on my own cheeks. She stares at me as words tumble out of me, “I had to come back here because...”

“Casey,” Tessa interprets me, “We were kids. Ages ago. I’ve been on the run for twelve years and I’m a different person.” I regret coming back. I am angry at Anna for convincing me that I could convince Tessa to fall back in love with me. But Tessa is right... Twelve years changes a person. We had been kids and now we are both battle-scarred adults. 

“I... I know that.” I hear myself continuing, “I’m different too. Everything is different. But it’s not like I’m asking you to marry me-“

“Whoa, Casey!”

“I just mean... I’m asking if...” The words lodge in my throat. “I want to be your girlfriend. Even if it‘s a bad idea and doesn’t work out, at least we tried and there’s no what ifs and wonder...” 

She reacts as I expected, shocked and speechless. Disgusted? I open my mouth to back-pedal on my words, justify myself, but Tessa stops me.

“You want to be my girlfriend?” Her eyes shimmer and search my face for clues. I smile sheepishly.

“I want to be your everything.” 

Her eyebrows go up, “Wow.” 

I swallow hard. Is there anything else I could say to make this better? Make this less awkward? Looking at her, the curves of her shoulders, hips and face, I’m helpless. I know how long it will take them to unlock the door. The clock was ticking. 

“If I’m making a fool of myself, or if you truly think I’m a nightmare and you’re out of my league, I’ll shut up and leave.” 

A smile breaks her face. The same mischievous smirk she got when we were teens and she had a horrible, class skipping idea that flipped my stomach then and now. She takes several steps toward me, our eyes at the same level and our lips inches from one another... 

“You want to be my girlfriend.”

“Yeah...”

Snaking her hands behind my neck, Tessa locks me in place as she knots her fingers together. “You’re right about one thing, Nightmares, I am out of your league.” she says, closing her mouth on mine and my hands grip her hips, pulling her hard against me. 

12 years ago you left me. 

With a scribbled note. 

Forget about me, a challenge I wouldn’t back down. But you knew that. You knew I would look for you forever. 

And yet you came to me because… Now you need my help.

You’ve come back at the wrong time. Or maybe the perfect time. It’s a complicated time for me.

But you stand there with an upturn smirk on your lips and a fiery amusement in your sharp eyes. It reawakes the hope, passion and desire that has been paralyzed since you left. 

God, you’re just as fucking beautifully intimidating as when we were young. 

“How do I know you really are Tessa?” My suspicion choking and betraying my strength. Like usual, when I’m around you. 

“You tell me.” You whisper as your lips touch mine and steal my breath away. I’m fighting back submitting and losing myself to you. Reluctant to not share the same intense longing, missing and heat. 

You’re back. But my only question. The only question that matters. 

@wolfsbane9557

I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you so much pain. I chased you off. Pushed you away. Ruined your happiness. I’m so sorry… Things were so out of control. I was in pain. I was angry. I was blind. I was hurting and so scared, so out of control... I hurt people. I hurt them because I was hurting. I no longer recognize myself. I’m a nightmare. But, you stood beside me when I was silently screaming.

You deserve happiness. Deserve people who choose you. Friends who deserve you…

I promise you… I’m getting better. I’ll get better. I want to be better. I want to be good. I want to be there. I want to choose you…

I’m with you.

I’m beside you.

I’ll fight for you.

I’ll always choose you.

Sometimes, even monsters, friends, need protecting.

Casey