#captain-falling

As ever, I apologize for the absence. I once again got caught up in living and exploring the possibilities that life has for me. I am neglectful of this blog and so I am rectifying that. 

I just need to vent, to release the caged thoughts in my mind and set them free into the void in the hopes that I may find some small measure of relief.

Since meeting the love of my life things have been a lot better, I have been stronger and more able to deal with things. More so than at any other point in my life. Today was hard. Today I felt lost and alone, I was set into a stormy sea with nowhere to lay my anchor and I feel beaten down and broken.

Little things got to me today, things that I can normally rise above and ignore. References to the past, certain behaviours, things that normally amount to nothing more than a passing shake of the head and wry smile to oneself. Today these things stuck, today they sank into my head and stuck like the barbed tip of a fishing spear. I noticed things, discrepancies in conversation, not lies as such, more like untruths. A lack of concern, which given the situation was somewhat understandable, yet still it hurts. Not everything I noticed was entirely excusable but it wasn’t enough to warrant the emotional responses to the extent that I had.

Right now I am tired, drained, I want to sleep but I cannot and I do not dare. I will have nightmares and I will wake up every half an hour. I feel restless, anxious, angry, sad, scared. I am a roiling, turbulent mess of emotion and I do not know how to proceed with this. 

the silence flows out and I’m drowning.

I don’t even need your words,

to know what you’re going to say.

That I’m wrong and your right,

that it’s all in my mind.

You defend against something,

That’s not an attack.

So my feelings stay buried,

and never get out.

It burns me like fire,

and I cannot change it.

I went for a test shoot yesterday with a pretty big modelling agency.....

I walked out with a contract.

I vow that I will forever:

Hold doors open for you.

Light your cigarette when you can’t.

Walk on the side closest to the road.

Make you tea.

Listen to your problems.

Do all I can to help you fix them.

Make you smile.

Tell you how beautiful you are every day.

Love you for all time.

I will do all this because I swore to support you and love you before we took our first steps in the rift together.

Love,

I am sorry.

For everything you have to put up with.

I know it isn’t easy and yet you’re still here by my side.

Despite the mood swings, the insecurities, anxiety, paranoia and depression.

Through the mania and the lows.

Sometimes it’s just easier to write it out like this.

I am sorry.

As a writer I struggle with the ideas in my head from time to time. As you may or may not know I live a very nautical themed life. This is reflected in a lot of my writing as you can see in my journal posts on this blog.

Ever since discovering Fallen London and Sunless Sea I have been inspired to continue my nautical theme with my writing and have been writing a few short stories and chapters for a novel based in the incredible world of Fallen London. The issue I have is that I have so many ideas that I tend to lose my thread and my plot lines tend to drift like a piece of flotsam on the Unterzee.

This is where my Idea comes in! I am going to play Sunless Sea from the start again, but as I do I will take many, many screenshots to use as illustrations and I will be writing up my adventures in the form of a book to be released in chapters. I will detail my characters life from the beginning, including writing up a backstory and filling in various parts with pieces of my own creation!

I am incredibly excited about this and hope that some folks here will get a kick out of reading about my exploits! Please feel free to drop something into my ask box too, be that words of encouragement, critiques or even ideas that you might want me to write into the story!