#canonmate

I consider reaching out to people of my source again, but really when I look at its kin tag here on Tumblr, do I want to? The atmosphere does not inspire my positivity, and that sort of issue is one I run into often in alterhuman circles. It's just not the atmosphere for me. It's a very distinct case away from "the atmosphere here is bad". No, no, it is not bad objectively. It is bad subjectively. I personally do not feel as if I would get meaningful connection out of it. And I may be wrong about that, and by staying away taking the chance of finding something good from me, but at this point I've experienced discomfort in alterhuman spaces that I don't fit into too often.

It all makes me ask myself why I even want to reach out. Why is it I want to talk to sourcemates, really? I am not particularly yearning to talk to someone who's a double of who I remember (I am not open to finding canonmates). I don't really care. That is a focal point to my situation. If I felt differently, it would make sense for me to reach out, but I don't. So why is it not enough for me to have bonds with people who don't share my source? What do I want out of talking to sourcemates?

As far as I can tell, the answer to my questions boils down to how I want to be seen as me. Sourcemates know me. They know what I am about, and really, that is a stupid shortcut. Why don't I just show people who I am? Why would I want that ridiculous shortcut of people already knowing me through knowing my official canon version, which is an utterly risky situation due to it making people prone to see me as that version instead of seeing me for me? Parasociality is not typically spoken of in this context, but I believe it applies, and there is large risk of it and alterhuman areas in general, which I don't like.

And sometimes you find them, and for once it seems like everything will be okay.

Thank you guys. I love you so much.