#caladam

Hot flushes of nervous embarrassment. Caleb snapped his head up to look at him, taking a moment to put two and two together. Carefully, he moved the touch higher, scratching against his forearm instead. On anyone else, the touch would’ve been soothing. On Adam, it was unbearable. He wasn’t squirming but he wasn’t not squirming. Caleb tried again, dragging his touch down his arm. A shy grin broke the surface of Adam’s face before quickly going into hiding once more.

Caleb could’ve stopped there.

He didn’t.

It had been fifteen minutes now and Caleb had grown bolder as time went on. He traced intricate shapes across the trembling skin that climbed up his veins and stopped just shy of his underarms. Adam seemed to almost climb the couch at that, his whole body shuddering upwards as if to get away before sinking back down in embarrassment.

Adam’s mouth had been caught in a perpetual smile for ages now, but he had yet to laugh and Caleb was getting antsy. His fingers itched to trace over different areas, to dig into the spots that he knew would prompt a glorious fit of un-Adam-like giggles. He probably would have done so by now if it weren’t for the gentle happiness emanating off of Adam, the butterflies flurrying in quiet storms. It was a vulnerable feeling, but nice, and Caleb was content enough to simply bask in it—at least for now.

Adam gripped the couch when Caleb scratched at the bundle of nerves on his inner elbow, eyes crinkling shut for a moment. In front of them, voices blared and blood splattered almost comically on the ground. It had been Adam’s turn to pick the movie for that night—something equally gory and cheesy that they both had tuned out the plot to after the first couple minutes had gone by. Adam tried to play his reactions off as though it were caused by the movie—waiting until a jump scare to let out a shuddery breath and flinch away from swooping nails.

“I have an idea,” Caleb said softly, loud enough to be heard but quiet enough for Adam to pretend ignorance. Caleb shifted into a better position, taking the whole of Adam’s arm into his lap. Adam glanced quizzically over at him but didn’t pull away. 

Good. He didn’t want his plan to end before he’d even had a chance to put it in motion.

He started with Adam’s hands, and those annoyingly poignant, elegant fingers that had started all this. Caleb traced almost haphazardly over his palms, closing his eyes and focusing on feeling the shifting, nervous emotions emanating off of Adam. It was like an odd game of hot and cold. He waited until Adam’s feelings flickered into a burst of happiness and paused there, brushing over the spot—that sliver of skin right before the wrist, vulnerable nerve endings and veins clustered together. Adam tensed, his grin widening. Caleb didn’t move for several minutes, both of them melting into Adam’s feelings. He could still sense the edges of curiosity, but it was drowned out by simple, unmuddied joy.

After a while he moved up, allowing his ability to guide him as he went. Whenever that happiness came back, he would pause, taking his time to carefully explore the area. Adam’s face had erupted into a blotchy red and he squirmed back into the couch, fighting the urge to do something about this.

Feeling bold, Caleb crawled his fingers up higher, ascending onto one trembling shoulder that ducked up at his advance. It was getting harder for Adam to reasonably ignore this; his grin was so wide it looked as though it might break out of his face, and one of his hands was hovering hesitantly near his chest, ready to shove Caleb off if needed. Which he nearly did when Caleb skittered nails lightly over the back of his neck.

“C-Caleb!” Adam gasped, smushing back into the couch in a not-quite effort to get away. “What are you—?”

“I know you like it,” Caleb interrupted softly, partly to see the flush spread even further over Adam’s face and partly because he needed to share this new discovery of his. “I know you like it here.”

“Well y-yeah,” Adam said through gritted teeth, laughter trapped somewhere in his throat with no real plan of escape. “We’ve established that—”

“No, I mean—” Caleb stopped, giving Adam a chance to actually concentrate on his words— “I know you like it here. On your neck. And before, on your wrist. And that one spot, right where your elbow connects.”

A smile still lingered lazily over his features, but it was starting to dip down into puzzlement. “I—I mean yeah, I know that, but how…?”

“Your feelings.” Caleb quickly picked up his hand, Adam watching him with clear concern in his eyes. Caleb brushed over his wrists in a manner that made Adam’s arm jerk back, a spluttered laugh slipping out despite himself at the sudden attack. “That makes you happy. More than like, just your arm or something. I started noticing that certain places prompted more intense spikes of joy than others and wanted to test it out.”

“Oh.” Adam’s feelings wavered in uncertainty, though Caleb thought it was leaning more towards a pleased awkwardness than anything genuinely negative. “That’s kind of embarrassing. I didn’t even realize you could pick up on that stuff.”

“Sorry,” Caleb apologized off instinct. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything—”

“No, no, it’s a good embarrassing,” Adam rushed in quickly, gripping Caleb’s arm in reassurance. He laughed a little, a self-conscious gesture he couldn’t help. “I’m just still getting used to this.”

“To my powers?”

“Yeah. Well. Kind of. Mostly now just you knowing about… well.” Adam waved his hand vaguely for lack of a better answer. “This thing that I have.”

Caleb wrinkled his brow in amusement. “This thing being how you like to get tickle—”

“Okay, okay!” Panic and mortification flared out from Adam as he reached over to cover Caleb’s mouth before he could finish. “No need to shout it to the whole world, god.”

Caleb slowly removed his hand, raising an eyebrow. “We’re the only ones here, and both of us already know about it.”

“Exactly! So there’s no need to say it out loud! Anyway,” he continued, brushing past the subject before Caleb could tease him about it any further. “You’re good. For feeling that. It’s kind of nice that you’re like a homing missile for where it... ah, feels the nicest?”

Adam’s gaze seemed to land on almost every part of the room but on Caleb as he talked. It had been months since Adam had confessed this particular interest of his to Caleb (though admittedly, Caleb’s ability has sussed it out and prompted the conversation in the first place), and he still had trouble openly talking about it now. Caleb had suggested discussing the subject with someone once, like his therapist, to help with the aversion he had to the subject, but Adam had immediately shut that idea down with the claim that he would never be able to face his therapist again after the conversation.

Caleb patiently waited until Adam’s feelings had settled somewhat before scooching closer, picking up his hands to toy with his fingers again. “You know,” he said slowly, trying to keep his tone casual for Adam’s sake. “If you do like this new strategy, I could do it again. You don’t even have to say anything, you could just nod or... I don’t know, give me a signal or something.”

Adam was silent for a moment, hesitance and longing radiating off of him in conflicting waves. He waited almost a full minute before slightly moving his head in what someone could vaguely observe as a nod.

Resisting the urge to grin, or call him cute, or anything else that would surely make Adam shut this whole idea down, Caleb instead pulled Adam into his lap, slipping his hands subtly under his shirt. Adam shuddered in his arms, hissing out something about cold fingers, before Caleb set those same fingers into motion, and any snarky comments of his were soon lost to a fit of shaky giggles and vague protests.

When things got worse, and the worry turned into less of a trickling and more of an ocean, Caleb debated bringing it up to him. Adam could be very particular about these kinds of things, and though Caleb knew he accepted his powers and would never blame him for something that was an inherent part of himself, having your emotions scoped out by your boyfriend wasn’t always the most pleasant reality. Emotions could be tricky, too. Something as simple as a failed math test could feel as big as your parents getting divorced in the moment. He didn’t want to make Adam worried or annoyed if he guessed wrong.

He didn’t want to pry, but he couldn’t help his own concern, and if he was being honest, curiosity, and so finally he confronted Adam about it.

They were staying the night at Adam’s place when it happened. His parents were out of town for the week due to some mandatory work convention, leaving the house abandoned. Caleb and Adam were still hesitant about staying over at each other’s places, the temptation of what could happen almost as great as their anxiety about it. Still. The set-up was almost too perfect not to, and Caleb had jumped on the chance when Adam had not-so-casually suggested it over lunch last Tuesday.

“You know, I haven’t seen this since I was a kid,” Caleb teased, leaning back on the couch. “Back when I was still interested in talking cartoon rats.”

“Shut up, this is a classic. It’s got a life lesson and everything.”

“Ratatouille?”

“Yes!”

Adam shoved him playfully and Caleb fell back in mock hurt if only to make Adam’s lips twitch up in a pleased smile. His feelings were warm and comfortable tonight, like taking the first bite of your mom’s homemade cookie, fresh from the oven and still steaming. It was a rare emotion from Adam, and it caught Caleb off guard. So off guard that, stupidly, he said something.

“You must really like this movie. You’re like, really happy right now. Like, happier than I’ve felt from you in a while.”

Joy scattered into squiggly embarrassment, and Adam darted his gaze quickly back towards the movie, trying to bit down on his smile. “Oh. Sorry, I hadn’t realized. I guess I’m just having a good day.”

“You don’t have to apologize for being happy, dork.” Caleb knocked his foot into his in a light reprimand and Adam kicked his leg in return. It was hardly any contact at all, but there was a strange electricity that came from Adam’s touch, like he was a human conductor. “It’s comforting—I like it. I know you’ve been kind of down lately, so it’s nice to see you in a good mood.”

And just like that, the happiness was gone, and Caleb could have kicked himself. Adam ducked his shoulders in and drew one leg up to his chest, effectively making himself smaller. It was a position Caleb was familiar with, one he hadn’t received in quite a while since getting to know the other. Guilt scrabbled up Caleb’s throat, though he couldn’t tell if it was his own or Adam’s.

“You noticed that?” Adam asked, a vague smile on his face, though it was clearly forced. “Ah, shit. And I thought I was doing good at hiding it too.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know.”

“Do what?”

“Hide things from me. I mean, not that it’s super effective,” Caleb amended, trying for a joke. It sort of worked, a bit of the warmth returning, but it was dull and faded now as Adam sunk back into one of his moods. “But still. I don’t want you to feel like you have to conceal your emotions from me. Even if they’re not super pleasant ones. I like all your feelings, negativity included.”

He tried to pour as much sincerity into his voice as possible, needing him to understand how much he meant it. Caleb had always been bad with words, and sometimes he wished their positions were reversed, so that Adam could feel these things for himself and not worry so much. For now, though, it seemed to do the trick, and Adam exhaled slowly, resting his chin on his knee. “I know. I’m not trying to hide it, not really. It just… I don’t know. Didn’t seem important enough to bring up.”

“Your feelings say otherwise.”

“Yeah, well, feelings lie. You know that by now.”

He wasn’t wrong, technically, and Caleb would have let it go if it wasn’t for the desperation and longing emanating off of Adam in waves. Clearly, he wanted to talk about it, but wasn’t letting himself for whatever reason. Caleb worried at his lip with his teeth, glancing around the room as if a way to make this conversation easier would be resting on the wall or huddled up in the corner. The TV hummed softly with voices in the background and Caleb allowed his attention to momentarily flicker over to it. Onscreen, Linguini jerked and twitched and yelped as Remy scampered and bit all over his body in an attempt to better hone his cooking senses.

And, suddenly, Caleb had an idea.

He nudged Adam with his foot again, scooching closer as his boyfriend glanced quizzically at him. “Would it help if I had a way to make talking about it easier?”

Adam frowned skeptically. “What did you have in mind?”

“Remember a couple of weeks ago when we had a talk about how you liked t—”

“Oh god, don’t remind me,” Adam groaned, flushing crimson at the memory. “I don’t even want to think about it or I’ll curl up in a ball of cringe and die.”

“That feels a bit dramatic,” Caleb teased, but plowed on, determined to stay on track. “But, if you can promise to not pass away due to embarrassment for a couple more minutes, I had a proposition. I could tickle you, and all you have to do to get me to stop is talk about whatever this issue is. That way, it feels less like you’re burdening me with it, and more like an exchange.”

Adam faced him with a look, in specific the “Caleb-you’re-being-a-dumbass” look; Caleb was unfortunately very familiar with it by this point. His emotions betrayed him however, and Caleb bit down a stupid smile as he was hit with a wave of fluttery, excited butterflies. “That doesn’t even make any sense, Caleb.”

Caleb shrugged sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, we don’t have to do it, I just thought it might help.”

Adam continued to stare at him, a scrutinizing glance, searching for any signs that Caleb was making fun of him. When he found nothing, he turned to face the TV again, shrugging in what he hoped was a very casual way. “I mean, I guess it could help. If you wanted. I still think it’s dumb, but there’s no reason not to try it.”

“Really?”

“Oh my god, shut up and just do it, I can hear the smirk in your voice.”

“I’m not smirking,” Caleb protested, knowing it was a lie. He scooched closer to the other, raising his hands over his sides. “Ready?”

Adam nodded quickly, pressing his lips into a thin line and staring determinedly at the screen. 

He jumped as Caleb started, long, hesitant fingers poking and scratching curiously over the soft fabric of his shirt. Adam started to squirm, his smile widening as he fought back laughter. This was always how it started. No matter how many times Caleb proved just how ticklish he was, there was still a part of Adam that felt he had to resist, had to prove to the other that he wasn’t until he couldn’t deny it any further. Caleb understood his reasoning by now, but he still teased him about it every time, if only to fluster his normally put-together boyfriend.

“You know I know you’re ticklish, right?” Caleb said, carefully pulling him into his arms as he spoke. Adam didn’t resist even as let out a half-hearted grunt of protest. Caleb played with the hem of his shirt, not quite touching bare skin, but not not touching it. “I’ve done this a million times now, you’re not gonna convince me you’re suddenly cured of your sensitivity.”

“M-Mahaybe I’ve been working on ahAhan a-antidote!”

“A antidote?” Caleb repeated incredulously. “For tickling?”

Adam nodded quickly, arching back into Caleb and nearly knocking the two over as Caleb’s fingers ghosted over his hips. Luckily, Caleb was a fairly durable human being as they came, which meant Adam was free to squirm as much as he wanted without fear of hurting either of them. The fact could be a blessing or a curse depending on how you looked at it. “Yehep, s-so no neheed to tehehest ihihihihit, ahaha, f-fuck!”

“Mm-hmm,” Caleb agreed, cocking a brow. “You know, I think I see it now. You’re definitely not ticklish anymore. That must be why you’re giggling so much, because it doesn’t tickle.” He pinched that particularly sensitive area right above his hips with each word for emphasis. 

Adam seemed to almost shrink into Caleb, as though he were trying to disappear to safety inside the comfort of his boyfriend—thus far, a failing effort. “I-I’m nahat fuhuhucking gihihihiggling, y-you ahass!”

He shrieked when Caleb spidered his hands inwards suddenly, vibrating his hands into his stomach. Wild, shaking laughter shook his form as he doubled over, desperately trying to pull Caleb’s hands away.

“You definitely are, but I’ll let you win this today.” Caleb smiled softly down at him, pressing his face into the crook of his neck and peppering gentle kisses there that were entirely unfair in Adam’s opinion. “So,” Caleb continued, his voice vibrating against his skin and raising shivery goosebumps. "Feel like talking yet?"

Adam shook his head, partly to disagree, and partly to try to block Caleb’s access to anymore of his neck. He seemed to almost radiate happiness now, the wild, chaotic kind that rarely showed itself among Adam’s many moods. There was also a fair bit of embarrassment, but this was the good, fluttery kind. Caleb’s heart stuttered a bit in kind, and he quickly doubled down on the ghost kisses if only to hide the dorky grin slipping across his own face.

“Cahahaleb!” Adam cackled, face scrunching up. He tried to shove him off, but then the attack on his stomach doubled down and he was forced to bring his arms back down. “Stahahap ihihit, ohoho m-my gahahahad!”

“Do you really want me to?”

Adam flushed, elbowing him in the side and earning himself a flurry of pinches to his ribs that had him squealing.

To his credit, Adam held out for another minute or so before Caleb decided to experiment on previously unexplored terrain. Nails trailed over his sides, further and further down until they skimmed his lower back and Adam nearly jumped out of Caleb’s arms. He only lasted ten seconds there before he finally caved though frantic yelps.

“Ohohokayohohokayohohokay! Stop—shit! Ahaha, ehehe, nahat thehehere! I’ll tahalk, ohohokay?”

True to his word, Caleb released him, allowing the exhausted boy to slide goop-like onto the couch. Adam curled up, tossing one arm over his face so he wouldn’t be forced to face the other in his current state.

“So,” Caleb said innocently. “Your back—”

“Don’t.” From the pile of limbs that was once Adam came a finger pointed at him in warning. “Don’t even, Michaels. I’m already confessing one thing today, I don’t see why I should be forced to do two.”

“Fine, fine.” Caleb raised his hands in surrender, though he made a silent vow to himself to return to the subject another day. He allowed Adam to sit in silence for a few more seconds, giving him a chance to catch his breath—and perhaps so Caleb could admire the view as well without Adam being allowed to comment on it.

After the third minute had gone by in silence and Caleb began to wonder if Adam had remembered the original point of this experiment, Adam finally spoke. “It’s not a big deal. So I don’t want you to worry like you do, because then it’ll make me worry, and it’s not gonna help anyone if we’re both freaking out.”

Caleb doubted he could help it, but he nodded for Adam’s sake.

“It’s just… you know. All my life my parents have always told me I’m gonna do great things, and I always kind of believed them; I mean, if they’re that convinced about it, surely there must be some truth to it. And now I’m applying to Yale, and the school year’s almost over and all of a sudden things are starting to feel real. What if I don’t get in, and it turns out I actually suck and I’m not going to be the person my parent’s want me to be? What if... what if I’m not as great, or as smart, as everyone expects me to be?”

The weight of that sentence hung on the both of them. Caleb wanted desperately to assure Adam that of course that wasn’t true, but he knew that wasn’t what he wanted. Because Adam was right. There was no guarantee Yale would accept him, no guarantee something wouldn’t go wrong, no guarantee that Adam would change the world like his parents wanted him to.

“Hey.”

A foot tapped against Adam’s arm, and he reluctantly brought it down to face Caleb.

“So what if you’re not great. So what if you don’t get accepted. So what if you have to go to community college, or no college, or not become a nuclear physicist at fucking nineteen. You’re young—we’re both young. You still have your whole life ahead of you. You have time to figure out who you’re going to be, who you want to be. So don’t stress about it now.”

Slowly, Adam sat up, worrying away at his lip almost unconsciously. Caleb wanted to reach over and stop him, but decided that was an issue for another day. “I don’t know. I mean, I guess you kind of have a point.”

It was clear he wasn’t quite convinced, so Caleb decided to plunge on. “How about this. When I was younger, I used to get worried about things all the time, like monsters under the bed, or the floor opening up and taking my parents away from me forever. And sometimes it would get bad, like, really bad. When that happened, my mom would always sit me down and play ‘what’s the worst that could happen’. Even if it didn’t stop me from worrying, it helped make things a bit easier to understand, so I wasn’t as afraid. So why don’t you list all the things you’re worried about with the future, and we can come up with all the ways it could go wrong, so that way, you’re prepared for everything.”

“And that will help?”

“It’s worth a shot.”

Adam eyed him skeptically, but after a while he sighed, leaning back against the couch. “Yeah, alright. I guess we could try it.” His tone was resigned, but Caleb could feel the glimmer of hope behind it that Adam was clearly trying to hide. 

After that, Caleb tracked down a marker and a notebook (and the remote that had fallen into the couch cushions in the scuffle), and the two spent the rest of the evening like that, scribbling down ideas and joking about wild scenarios in which aliens came down to invade the Earth and took Adam as an ambassador. And even though it wasn’t the last time Caleb felt that pool of sadness from Adam, it came up less and less as time went on.