Ya boi has been diagnosed with ASD.
(Autism Spectrum Disorder)
I knew I was a socially awkward turtle but damn if this doesn't confirm it. My social skills can be like that of a doorknob made of melted cheese and my ability to retain friendships can be as difficult as confirming the exact size of the universe.
I'd been debating taking a step back from the community this week because I feel I've been getting worse in terms of figuring out how I interact with others, and worse, making unintentional mistakes and needing to focus hard on keeping a level of hyper self-awareness so I don't allow those mistakes to happen again. This diagnosis just makes that feeling all the more prominent. It *has* given me answers to questions I've had about myself for years, but it's also simultaneously confirmed why I've never truly felt like I fit in anywhere. But not wanting to fit in per se, just in a way in which I can form lasting connections with others. And I feel like I'm failing in that regard. In fact I feel like I've been failing in that all my life.
It's a simultaneously vindicating and yet heavy realisation at the same time. Coupled with the fact it's tier 2, not tier 1. So I'm slightly more affected than I thought. I think just processing this news is taking its toll on how I reevaluate my own sense of self-identity and how I can function better so I can lessen my impact on others in such a way that I don't even unintentionally cause disturbances. Policing myself is usually something I'm really good at too, but when there are moments that slip through the cracks it is immensely frustrating because at the time I didn't realise what I'd said or done. Maybe this is why I've become such a hermit. I can't have negative effects on anyone if I don't interact with anyone and instead just play it safe and watch from the sidelines.
I don't know how long this is going to take, but I want to make a serious effort towards introspection and self-reflection on who I really am and how I can better my interactions with others even in spite of the level of social awkwardness I'll always have.
To any who I may have negatively affected in the past, even if only minutely, I'm sorry. I'm forever learning about myself and am constantly taking steps to make sure I never cause even unintentional harm to others. But impact matters over intent and I want to make sure to take time to learn more about who I am after this diagnosis so I can better lessen any potential negative impacts I may have on others due to issues of miscommunications or other missteps that I shouldn't find hard to see, but sometimes can't help but miss more frustratingly easily than I might think.
I hope to ever bring more smiles and happiness to those who are alright with my presence in their lives, and I understand if there are those who don't wish me in their's anymore. That's part of life's journey, not all who you connect with will walk paths alongside you. But for any who choose to stay, know that gratuity reaches far deeper than the most bottomless depths of the Marianas Trench. Friendship is hard to come by for people like me, something I've been made all too aware of in life, and I'll always appreciate those who make space in their lives for me as I would for them.
I'll see y'all around, just gonna be even quieter while I come to grips with learning more about who I am and what this diagnosis means moving forward.
To those who choose to stick around. Thank you kindly. Always. I'll keep in touch. 💙
