#cal update

What a whirlwind of a week! I finally have some time to write.

I want to introduce y'all to my partner, H. I'm so grateful that the universe brought me this kind, sweet soul. He is my person and I am so happy to have him in my life.

While he visited, I got food poisoning. We were visiting KP and suddenly, I puked my guts out. H was there, rubbing my back, taking off my glasses, coaching me through it, and cleaning my face. Let me tell y'all, I can't express how much that meant to me.

Cheers to you, sweetheart.

Aw, anon, thank you. <3

I'm so grateful for this ask.

I'm doing all right. Job hunting, doctor appointments, and taking care of my dad have taken up a lot of my time. I did get one day this week where I had no where to be, so I wrote a tiny bit of Photo Op.

I'm not sure why I still can't write. My heart's just not in it a lot of the time. But this goes for a lot of things I usually like doing--painting, reading, knitting. I think job hunting sucks the life out of me.

I've been on LinkedIn a lot (sigh) to attempt networking. I hired a job coach to do a job search audit and redid my resume after their feedback. I'm looking for a full-time permanent HR Assistant job, but it's slim pickings. Sometimes I'll find a posting that sounds like a good opportunity--then I see they want 3-5 years experience (for entry level!!) or their glassdoor reviews are overwhelmingly negative.

/face palm/

my own health has taken a weird turn? my a1c is way up, my liver enzymes are up, my inflammation markers are up... ughhhhh. my rheum told me to call my liver doctor ASAP, since she's concerned about my enzymes and she noticed that my nails look yellow. liver, what are you up to???

i often feel like i'm on fire, especially my hands. i might have to do another round of prednisone, if my hepatologist gives me the all clear. but y'all know i hate prednisone.

okay. deep breath.

i miss y'all. i will do my best to be on here more. fandom is something so important to me. it's a big part of my life. i just need to find my way back.

end alzheimer’s. learn the early warning signs. early detection is just as crucial for alzheimer’s as it is for cancer. hug your grandparents/parents/loved ones. when there are moments you can be more patient, go for it. 

i feel super lost. like i’m not sure what to do with myself. i watched the stars game tonight and now i put on the simpsons. but i just feel kinda numb and listless. i suppose that’s expected. 

thank you, y’all for hanging in there with me and sticking around. a hug to you from me. <3

halloween evening means watching spooky history videos on youtube

well hey there it’s been a minute

yearly oncology visit went well, everything looks good :)

liver tumors are stable, no changes, still a wait and see case for transplant

i spent september and most of october trying to work full time hours to prove to myself and my job that i could (promotion was open) aaaand then i crashed and burned last week, spiraled into 8 day flare, and you know, did not do well

my direct supervisor already let me know they’re going with someone else and tbh i’m relieved

it’s awful not being able to do what i want to do, but there’s a big difference between “i want to do this” and “i can do this”

the pay raise would have been nice, but i’m grateful not to have to be in a middle management role again. i don’t want to supervise people. i just want to train them

i did accept an offer to illustrate a kids book for a small queer press :)

it’ll be out june 2021 <3

the tower of london seems like a really creepy place to visit and i wanna see it firsthand so much

i continue to pick up side gigs here and there, whether it’s searching for grants for a nonprofit based out of ny, or transcribing, or writing musician bios. it’s kinda fun. 

a large chunk of my time throughout october was spent sending out 100 postcards to young people in wisconsin encouraging them to vote

that took a long, long, LONG time to do and i had to space them out because damn my hands hurt doing that AND inktober AND writing AND working 

but in the end, it was super important to me to do something for this election, and that was the best fit for me

if you have a friend in oconomowoc, wi then they may have received a postcard from me XD

i also sent out halloween cards to friends and family this year, which i couldn’t do last year due to a terrible flare. but this year. bam. 60 cards sent out.

i’ve been fighting with USPS about transferring my PO Box. SIGH.

i’ve been struggling to maintain my head above water in regards to depression and mood swings. i’m not in the clear yet, but i’m getting there

i think the election also just has me super on edge and the usual “i’ll escape into writing!” just isn’t working

i made cupcakes today and whipped cream frosting from scratch

i’m doing okay here at my mom’s. i could use a little more silence, a lot more privacy, and a dash more room but i’m more or less settled in

when i feel physically and mentally good, i go outside and practice my slap shot with a secondhand hockey stick and street puck

i have to be careful that i don’t sublux or dislocate anything--so far so good

a few weeks ago, on my way to acupuncture, i had to stop for gas. at the gas station, i discovered that the fuel door to my car wouldn’t open. i struggled with it for 30 minutes before i called my friend, who thankfully lives nearby where i was basically stranded (car on empty, great). 

we watched a youtube video or three about fifty times and got the door open through the trunk -_-

last week, my dad was able to fix the problem, though it’ll likely happen again. when it does though, at least i won’t panic

i need to finish (ie. color) 4 inktober pieces and then there’s another year done!

i can’t believe spn is ending. like. i know it. but i can’t believe it.

it hurts to think about and i just... idk. i hate what the show ended up becoming and what the writers have done to it. but it’s still my show. it’s still my thing. 

and we’re fortunate to have j2 in series that will soon start up

it’s just hard saying goodbye to canon

even if i don’t particularly like canon

ah, the feels

but also had a migraine yesterday, which did not help things. i just in general feel like soggy toast.

i have acupuncture today, thank goodness, but my sessions are limited because i will be working after the 28th, when i can no longer have fridays off. i wish i had fridays and sundays off instead. but this monday through friday gig might be good for me. who knows.

my tech called this morning and told me i was doing everything correctly. he encouraged me to reach out to my doctor and request an increase in basal insulin and increase the carb ratio. done.

i tried calling my psych for a refill, but the office closed early today. sigh.

my therapist said she has appointments around my new schedule, so i am super grateful for that. now i just need to move around PT and infusions.

idk whether i should stay on medicare until open enrollment in november, or if i should just hop onto work's insurance right away. i'd like to keep my medicare insurance for the time being, since i've met the out of pocket max and everything is 100% covered. hopefully i can do that? i need to call the SSA, which i'm not looking forward to because of *gestures at everything.*

i'm immensely grateful towards my partner, H, who has been super patient and supportive of me this week, even with my yucky feelings and moods. shout out to them. <3

on a happy note, i've discovered beeswax candles. omg they burn so clean and have a very subtle honey scent. i'm super happy with them.

also happy note, a package from my partner is supposed to arrive today! :D

also also happy note, the stars made the playoffs. :D

okay, that wraps this up. to acupuncture i go.

i am not sure how to prep for the third interview this friday between me and my former director

i cannot think of questions she might ask me

i'll search for "third round interview questions" and see what i find

i had the most delicious chinese food tonight

and a rad iced coffee

i have a rheum appt today. nothing new to report to my doc. hands still get red, puffy, and stiff. all over body pain is still there, though at a much lower intensity than 2 years ago, i think

i miss my partner a lot

dear universe, please let me get this job. i so much want that offer letter. that email that says, "congratulations and welcome back..."

it's demoralizing to apply, apply, apply and get nothing

even networking hasn't helped

i'm no longer putting in 4 - 5 hours a day job hunting and applying

it just got too overwhelming and it created/triggered so much anxiety

i have tickets to see sean mcconnell on thursday and i still need to find someone to go with me

there's also a trans day of visibility march on sunday that i so much want to go to, but many of my loved ones are saying don't go, it won't be safe

but i feel the need to be with and surrounded by community

i still have 6 days to decide

i'm actively worried about my parents returning from Chile

also, next week is APRIL???

also actively worried my SSDI check won't come through--and unlike that fucker's 95 y/o grandma, i WILL mind it

i need that money for insulin, infusions, and gas, you assholes

not writing has me super down. part of me wants to "retire" from writing fic. but a bigger, louder part of me doesn't want to let go. i have so many scenes in my head still. snippets of plot. things i want to see. worlds i want to make. sigh.

i was creative with patreon prints this month and that made me happy. maybe i need to make more art--if i can't write

i love train ASMR videos. they are so soothing

my stars, it's fucken wimdy outside tonight

i gave my smartcrutches away on my local EDS support group

i haven't used them in 2 years. i still use my cane, but i have been able to build up strength and balance in PT

they're going to a good home and that's all i wanted

there's a game tomorrow night, yey

i've been watching a lot of Unsolved Mysteries, the ones with robert stack hosting

but only during the day. it creeps me out too much at night

i feel like i get along very well with my partner's mom and that makes me very happy

insurance made me switch from humalog to fiasp bc of their god damn formulary... but wow, the fiasp is actually... better?

i wonder if we'll do labs tomorrow. i bet we will. i hope Michael the awesome phlebotomist will be there

i have to fill out a physician's form for LTD tomorrow with my rheum. i also need to give her office my questionnaire from LTD so they can fax it alongside and hopefully make a copy for me

i need to do my t shot. can you inject t into your arm?

google says yes. i will check with my endo. maybe it won't hurt so much if i do it in my arm vs my thigh

i hope my endo approves me doing 18 units of fiasp instead of the 14 she recommended. like, i'm kinda playing around with units and 14 just wasn't enough

my sugars are at 129... should i eat something before i go to bed? maybe a small butter cookie

i cried during therapy on friday. we did emdr and i connected the dots to things that are very disturbing to me. i started spiraling and my therapist brought me back to a safe place. but i was super cranky and off for the rest of the day

it just hasn't been easy for me to cry since i restarted T

okay this is long o_o

-🫧anon

hockey has been giving me life with the stars in the playoffs. if i just make it through... ;-;