Things I’d rather do than have sex
Suffocate you with a bag over your head, blowing in weed and cigarette smoke
Cane you for indulging in substances
Shock you with a cattle prod repeatedly, promising to stop once your behavior improves. Moving the goalposts to shock you again
Waterboard you until you gasp, sputter, and agree to whatever I want
Make you dig a hole in the yard for me to bury you in
Confine you in the basement while I host an elegant dinner party
Deprive you of sleep, barrage you with noise and sound, torment you with your own senses
Bind you as a scarecrow in the garden, regardless of weather
Mummify you to a bed frame and invite my friends to torture you
Promise you a warm bath and hot meal for suffering through all of the above, only to turn the water ice cold and scrub you down with a rough brush