#c;1218

his concerns should be shared but he hasn’t changed from months ago. if anything, he thinks what happened destroyed his progress- what little progress he’d made. he’s back to masks and thinly veiled smiles. it’s only a matter of time before they’re seen through again and in retrospect he’s grateful for it. he’s grateful that some of his convex members can tell when he’s lying, because it means he’s let go more than he thought. he’s grateful because he’s not alone even when he thinks he is, even when he feels lonely because of his own shortcomings, and even when he thinks he shouldn’t be here, especially then. he’s grateful convex gives him strength, more than they could know. 

time to practice his first measure and see if it’ll work, to throw himself into the choreography and try and capture every possible way someone could get injured this time. he can’t see it happen again. he can’t.

he hums and realizes he weaves the needles occasionally to the beat of the song. five minutes until breakfast ends and more convex members will stream into the practice room. there’s a few around him now and he pretends he isn’t distracted, pretends not to throw one of the completed hand warmers at one of their heads to test how sound it is. it’s not an attack but practicality. every product has to be tested anyway! the shape looks more deflated when it falls and he wonders if he didn’t close it completely or if he’d cut the shape out messily. it wasn’t like him but he wasn’t himself lately either. what other shapes could he try out... maybe he’ll message his grandma to ask what else... animal shapes for kids? but wouldn’t it be weird trying to give one to a kid out of nowhere? aaa... but giving out round ones seems boring. square ones are plain. triangles aren’t sensible... he thinks. their manager walks in with more members and yixing scrambles again, this time to ask about a certain holiday associated with a cute shape. 

similar to making a decision and taking responsibility for it, he’s taking responsibility for where he’s been, for where he’ll be again, for his own actions and choices. but why does he linger on it now? maybe it’s because he wishes he could show jennie the dance for mr. chu and make her laugh the way he used to before they started dating, before things got complicated, before he had to face more serious decisions. he misses the days he didn’t worry about every step or 8-count being off-sync or someone’s microphone not working properly. he misses when the most serious issue he had every day was when to make the next batch of boba and if he added too much sugar this time. there’s nothing wrong with too much, right? wrong! it changes the flavor completely and can make the tapioca stiff if boiled incorrectly. he misses those days but looking around the practice room and watching the members sing mr. chu during their small breaks makes him realize he’s gained a lot more happiness too. maybe that’s what he should focus on most. 

he wished he could’ve brought the finest, grandest tree into the dorm (maybe even one taller than sehun!) but since he couldn’t, he could still bring some kind of tree. common sense tells him not to bring bells along or wear them because the jacket is bright enough. small red globes line the edges and a bright yellow star atop his head. quiet as he moves through the dorm, he doesn’t announce it right away, wants it to settle in and dawn on someone suddenly because how does one announce they’re dressed as a tree for some holiday cheer? the lighting in the dorm’s rooms don’t do the jacket justice but he’s zhang yixing. can’t he light up the room enough on his own? he’s snickering to himself by the time he sneaks back into the living room. he still misses his grandmother but spending christmas like this isn’t bad at all.