spicy jalapeño topping

perhaps that’s why he finds it harder to rest in the backstage area from time to time, restlessness tugging at his limbs every so often and in every direction at that. he’d much take the time to greet sunbaes and hoobaes, to reach out first even if the tradition is to visit your seniors in the industry. he’d rather offer a guiding hand, words of encouragement, than exchange pleasantries in the end. another alternative his mind tends to dance around is helping the stage crew and whether that’s old habits or his endless appreciation overflowing, he can’t tell. 

plopping down on the couch in the backroom, he lets out a deep breath, closing his eyes as he tries to remember what the stage background will look like for them this time. a lot goes into design too. he’s appreciated that since their debut as well and with the upcoming anniversary, he thinks over and over of how to express their gratitude. every day, he could try as much as possible and it wouldn’t feel like enough to thank their consta. 

she seems wide awake for how late it is and he attributes it largely in part to the number of people surrounding her, bustling about here and there. when he yawns at some point, simply listening to everyone chat on the other side, she teases him for not having any energy right now. his mornings, especially, during promotions, are just as early as hers and yet here she is. got him absolutely beat and he’s thrilled to see it.

it’s a shame at this point that he didn’t attempt something similar to this with the group members and he thinks another time but they might be too busy later on. wouldn’t that be just as nice?

with how his grandmother moves about, tackling task after task, it’s no wonder he’s a workaholic, only resting now for the sake of observing through the call, of living vicariously through those that get to be in the meng household this holiday season and helping out when he can’t. was it really so long ago?

thankfully, he’s not doing it alone and he doubts he would’ve personally chosen it himself if left to his own devices. if anything, he wants to thank them endlessly. in person, through social media, in a song if he could and that’s an idea he tables for the time being as he unwittingly rubs his stomach, fingertips trailing over the hem of the cotton shirt he’s worn for now. whether the butterflies are because of the anticipation over a win or of baring his abs if they do win today, it’s a pretty close race. maybe he should’ve had something with less salt today. 

this is a truth he slowly becomes more comfortable with each time they do a photoshoot for an album cover, promotions, interviews, a number of things. the workshops he’s taken don’t seem like enough and he considers returning to them, to more lessons and practice (as if he doesn’t stay at the company long enough on most days). 

would that suffice? would he feel more comfortable? he considers it again when he watches his co-stars take their turns, together and apart. kangjoon just has that model look to him and sejeong makes almost anything seem natural with her personality. 

he wonders when he lost that trait himself. just around what time did he allow his light to dim til he reached this point? 

his character is cheerful and optimistic, secretly stubborn in hoseok’s opinion, and the closeness to his mother makes him sulk unintentionally on his own. the character’s background is so different from his, acting in a complete role is overwhelming when he compares it to the cameo he did not too long ago. 

when he learns of the opportunity, he spends the day thinking about what perfume ads look like. he can’t remember seeing them when he tries to remember and yet when he looks them up, he realizes he’s seen more than he thought. it reminds him of previous opportunities some of the members had and modeling for one seems harder than speaking of it. 

his thoughts drift to why him over the clear models of the group but he loves the opportunity, thinks it’s fun that he’ll be able to bring some home so throughout the photoshoot, he finds himself asking questions about scents, trying to remember what he’d looked up on each one though it’s for a newer one that he’s taking photos for from what he can tell. 

top notes, base notes, it all intrigues him as each spray wafts in the air when he tries them himself. the scents themselves are just as the brand name implies and he finds it interesting how many things it claims. even the packaging is clean and he questions if he has a clean image. for his character on entertainer, he hopes so and that might match most of all, his character and this image for the perfume. 

trying to pick out his favorite is more difficult than expected and it’s the appeal of the cleanness of the brand. maybe he’ll ask each member to pick a favorite too. in that, he hopes convex has a clean image over all, from sharp dancing to boyfriend like images from each member. that suits them too, right? 

but the overhead shots must look amazing and he puts the visuals first, thinks of how it’ll look, of how their fans will react, and he can do anything really once he thinks of their consta. 

he believes this yet when they’re done, he calls his grandmother first, tells her about it with slightly shaking hands and finds relief in when she praises him for it. for being scared and exceeding through it the way she knows he did. she’s praised his dancing before, even his singing by now, but when she praises him for being a good grandson and a good person, hoseok truly feels it. how much he loves his grandmother most in the world. no matter what his feelings were for the princess too, his grandmother is first. 

ah, might be why he considers baek jiyoung’s opinion too. gotta love a strong maternal figure, right? 

when he goes back to the group. to continuing their lunch break together, he’s calmer, more comfortable. he owes that much to them too, that he can feel vulnerable but not weak. because he knows if he went to one of them instead of calling his grandmother, they would’ve comforted him too. but he wants that connection to her now more than ever. as he continues to go places in life without her to go home to or to see him in person. 

one day, he tells himself. 

that is, til he notices that room division is easier with one less member and he comes back full circle. nothing changed at all from the flight, did it? he comes right back to that within moments and he stretches his neck with a deep breath. but still they’re filming a mv abroad. doesn’t that speak of how much baek jiyoung believes in them? how much she wants to put into their development and careers? 

how can he be sad when he thinks of that? 

one of the first things he does is text chanyeol, ask him a few more things about california and joke that he should’ve been better warned about the heat. it’s not like a seoul summer. it’s far more dry and he drinks more water at the thought of it. 

his mind is still on the choreography for the music video and he wonders what sets they’ll be using. how hot it’ll be when they’re dancing for hours and he looks at each member with mild concern. would they all be okay? 

he has questions of his own, of course, that he’d love to ask her but he held back all those years in case it was too much. now, he understands he’s the one it would’ve been too much for, that he didn’t want those answers most of the time, didn’t know how to handle hearing about someone who couldn’t keep him. 

does he see him now? does he know that it’s him? but something makes him believe that his career wouldn’t be approved of either, even if his grandmother has never discouraged him from whatever his heart wants. hoseok is the one who holds himself back in the end, even with people. 

looking to the group members, he notes that he must be holding back with them too. that they’re family but he’s just as secretly reserved with them too. lasting connections that don’t go as deep as they could. 

the news is bound to be officially made sometime this month before the comeback itself and he isn’t looking forward to it, to the reaction and aftermath. he can only hope it won’t be as chaotic as the first time they lost a member, that it’ll be the last time again.

throwing all of his energy into memorizing each part, every member’s changes just so he can offer a guiding hand if need be, so he can monitor and make comments as they go, he’s reminded of why he prefers overworking himself, keeping his mind busy. there’s no time to be sad and it’s just like their new title track says, don’t wanna cry.

how long has he told himself not to shed tears for other people when there’s so much life to live? so that he wouldn’t be wrapped up in his own past, in the people he’s lost before even getting a chance to remember them? in glimpses and fleeting images of a childhood with someone who didn’t want him. those kind of memories, he leaves behind in lieu of happier ones and he wants to do the same this time around. again and again. as many times as he has to in order to move on.

he can imagine the lecture now of whether he’s treating his hair right, if he’s over-washing it or using the wrong product to wash it. so much to go into hair care and skin care that he questions when idols have the time, especially when he thinks of the pretty nail art some of his friends have. beauty is pain, yes, but you don’t hear enough about how time-consuming it can be too. 

with the trip to the salon not taking long for him, he’s more focused on the part of the day he’s been thinking about since late into the night before, unable to sleep and lounging around on the couch instead as he tries to remember his lines. phone clutched in his hand during the rides back and forth, while he sat in the chair to wait for the bleach to develop, and now as he waits for his turn in the recording booth, he struggles with the idea that he has so many lines in swimming fool. he feels like the fool and though he has done the best he can to improve his singing, it still doesn’t feel like enough. 

what he’d give to be able to hold jinwook or woohyun’s hand through this, or to tease sehun, joke around with taeyong and seungcheol, rely on the members, but the truth is, he is the only one who can get himself through this so he does so the best way he knows how; with all the confidence he can muster, he reminds himself of who he is, of the song he wanted to release for their predebut teasers, and that he has come this far for a reason. 

but that’s another thing to consider, isn’t it? they’ll be performing at yet another music show concert without a certain member in their lineup, without it being officially announced or addressed. headlines will cover that as much, if not more, than how well they perform and that fact brings back that bitter taste in his mouth. forcing himself to swallow it down, force it away, he thinks of the stage itself, of how fun it’ll be, of how he has most of the lines of a unit black member he likes. yeontae might not be the main vocalist or a center compared to some of the others but he’s stable, versatile, and that’s what hoseok admires about him. then again, what’s not to admire or like about everyone in unit black? 

at first, he thought the frames were fake and he swears they are, picking them up with curiosity, asking if he could use his own or if they’d take the lens off for the glare of the camera or if they were anti-glare. he talks endlessly throughout the entire session that it’s a wonder they don’t tire of him or tell him to be quiet. ‘hold still,’ he definitely hears a few times, chuckling with a bow of his head and repetitive apologies, asking what kind of snacks or drinks they like so he can bring some to show his appreciation and sincerity.