#s;pr

this is a truth he slowly becomes more comfortable with each time they do a photoshoot for an album cover, promotions, interviews, a number of things. the workshops he’s taken don’t seem like enough and he considers returning to them, to more lessons and practice (as if he doesn’t stay at the company long enough on most days). 

would that suffice? would he feel more comfortable? he considers it again when he watches his co-stars take their turns, together and apart. kangjoon just has that model look to him and sejeong makes almost anything seem natural with her personality. 

he wonders when he lost that trait himself. just around what time did he allow his light to dim til he reached this point? 

his character is cheerful and optimistic, secretly stubborn in hoseok’s opinion, and the closeness to his mother makes him sulk unintentionally on his own. the character’s background is so different from his, acting in a complete role is overwhelming when he compares it to the cameo he did not too long ago. 

he can imagine the lecture now of whether he’s treating his hair right, if he’s over-washing it or using the wrong product to wash it. so much to go into hair care and skin care that he questions when idols have the time, especially when he thinks of the pretty nail art some of his friends have. beauty is pain, yes, but you don’t hear enough about how time-consuming it can be too. 

with the trip to the salon not taking long for him, he’s more focused on the part of the day he’s been thinking about since late into the night before, unable to sleep and lounging around on the couch instead as he tries to remember his lines. phone clutched in his hand during the rides back and forth, while he sat in the chair to wait for the bleach to develop, and now as he waits for his turn in the recording booth, he struggles with the idea that he has so many lines in swimming fool. he feels like the fool and though he has done the best he can to improve his singing, it still doesn’t feel like enough. 

what he’d give to be able to hold jinwook or woohyun’s hand through this, or to tease sehun, joke around with taeyong and seungcheol, rely on the members, but the truth is, he is the only one who can get himself through this so he does so the best way he knows how; with all the confidence he can muster, he reminds himself of who he is, of the song he wanted to release for their predebut teasers, and that he has come this far for a reason. 

at first, he thought the frames were fake and he swears they are, picking them up with curiosity, asking if he could use his own or if they’d take the lens off for the glare of the camera or if they were anti-glare. he talks endlessly throughout the entire session that it’s a wonder they don’t tire of him or tell him to be quiet. ‘hold still,’ he definitely hears a few times, chuckling with a bow of his head and repetitive apologies, asking what kind of snacks or drinks they like so he can bring some to show his appreciation and sincerity. 

sentences like “i thought there was something between us” and “words are vain, aren’t they” cut the deepest but they deserve to be said. they should be said and it shouldn’t have taken so many years. that’s something the character has in common with him, feelings that lasted over nine years, feelings that seemed to be disregarded with misunderstandings and differences. feelings that can’t seem to surpass anything but time. 

yes... yixing relates too much. 

a fake doesn’t last too long. 

he seems to have fared well all this time. it’s ironic. the character he chose, the scene he chose, it’s both saddening but painful, eyes could water but there’s still a fearsome anger dwelling in the pit of his stomach, both with himself and the situation. 

in front of the casting director, he loses his senses— sense of time, sense of self, and he’s standing there almost bewildered at first when the scene ends but he’s still wrapped up in it, in the formality of the last sentence, in how he’s supposed to call his counterpart. instead of a student in front of a teacher he knew since childhood, yixing sees the household he was raised in, how it was never truly his, and he bows in apology when cut is formally added. 

what he loves most about a company like sphere, a company that is sphere, is that his opinion is taken into account, that he’s listened to. even if he’s not always heard, he feels like he is, like what he says matters and it’s what he’s wanted since he was a child. to be heard, to be seen, to be acknowledged, to be wanted, to be loved. the accusation that he’s heard from time to time that he wants to be an idol for the attention isn’t insulting to him, not when he knows the hard work that goes into it from all sides. from himself, from the staff members that help and support convex, to the fans themselves. how can any of it be insulting?