#butwhybother

@butwhybother HA!! Fooled you!

…although I do have that as well 😅

cancelled for loitering.

in Oathbringer chapter 121

"Moash found it easy to transition

from killing men to breaking apart rubble"?

Sitting trapped inside my house as the nameless faces with staring eyes flash in and out of mind. 

One pair of pink shorts is all it takes to make a walk to the corner store feel like a runway I’m forced to walk on. 

One pair of pink shorts lifts me from my anonymity and place me center stage for an audience of hungry eyed men. 

They stop on the sidewalk and follow me with their eyes. Scanning my body and boring holes inside of me. They screech their bikes to a halt in front of me. They block my way when I try to enter a building. They touch my shoulders as they pass by me. They shout to me to get in their cars. They tell me to smile. They ask where I’m going. They caress my back as they lead me around their vitamin shop.  They force their dancing bodies on mine. They joke that my boyfriend will beat me if he finds out I talk to them. They beg to buy me a drink. They follow me as I walk. They ignore their children to follow me with their eyes. They ignore their girlfriends to turn and look at me. They stand above me on L trains and bump into my knees to get my attention. They stand too close behind me when I’m on an escalator. They call me a bitch. They text me at 2:00AM. They take photos of me on the L platform. They point out my nipples while bagging my groceries. They lean out of cars to scream at me. They openly mock me for not wanting to sleep with them.

I make jokes. I pretend to smile. 

I divert my eyes. I hide behind headphones and sunglasses. 

My windows are covered in gauzy curtains that let in little light but let no one look inside. 

When you are a woman you are always on display. 

I am always on display. I never have a day off. I never have a chance to hide in a crowd. Im a prisoner on this planet. With no foreseeable release date.

Everywhere I walk eyes follow me and voices that should mean nothing hit my ears like drums. I wish they could slide off me but instead they drift down to the deepest part of me and stone by stone build my wall against the world. I stay trapped inside of my apartment. Too hot to wear full length pants outside. Too afraid to wear anything shorter. Too afraid to exist. Too disappointed in myself to function. 

Some days are just harder than others. Some days it’s easier to hide.