#imamess

antes mesmo de você cogitar em partir,

eu digo adeus

had to draw them 

I'm too much for people.

I have no boundaries but yet have high and tough walls built up around me.

I have anxiety like a sumbitch.

I can have a panic attack while sleeping (that takes skill, apparently)

I have abandonment issues (thank you donor)

For some reason I feel that s*x is the only thing important to a guy, In a true but not true way. (Thanks to the boy who was 3 years older than me who was in high school while I was in middle school and forced my hand down his pants after I said I wasn't comfortable.)

I feel attracted to those who don't want me or don't put in any effort or truth to wanting me or feeling the same way I do. (Not sure why this is, prob thanks to the donor)

I really enjoy the chase and having my feelings hurt, obviously I hate this because it fucking utterly destroys me.

I like to believe people don't mean to hurt me even when they've shown numerous times they don't care about anyone not even themselves.

About 2-3 years ago I finally stopped starving myself and now I feel like a cow and can't lose weight. Damn, I miss being tiny. But being 105 at my age was labeled "unhealthy" "skin & bones"

I dated a guy who choked me out because I wanted to spend Easter with MY family. He also controlled everything, he was cheating on me and I was made out to be the bad person. I tried to leave him many times once he even told me he was going to kill himself over me leaving, apparently his dad walked in on him with a musseloader in his mouth. *not taking suicide lightly at all* but this is not okay to say or do to try and get someone to stay with you. The fondest memory is the night he was driving me home and he started freaking out yelling and screaming at me, drove his truck really fast and basically tried to kill us, yeah what a real man. Hope his daughter never ever has to see him act like that or gets in a relationship with anyone like him. No one deserves that shit.

I enjoy writing. I can have one thing in mind and then writing it down I just ramble on about whatever else comes to mind while I'm writing.

Like this post. I unloaded a very short version of some parts of this to someone the other night and it was brushed off 😅

I know he's not right for me, we've never actually dated but for the last two years I can't seem to get him off my mind. He's got baggage too, probably more than me and that's okay because as ADTR said "I'm a sucker for a complication and those who are weak at the seams" I feel I can fix the broken pieces like they're fucking flower pots that just need to be watered and have sunlight. I'm more sunny for others than I am for myself.

Favorite color: dark blue (like the Tumblr “muted” background color) or maroon (like my blog, currently)

Last Song: funnily enough, off of the shuffle list (which I’m listening to) that I just posted.

Last Movie: I’m struggling to remember, but it may actually have been the Savage/Fenty Fashion Show (off of Amazon Prime) ... well done production.

Last Show I Completed: I’m really close to finishing the Clone Wars animated series, so I’m counting that.

Currently Watching: The Mandalorian, Season 2

Reading: These days, it’s mostly articles. Trying to understand how we move forward as a country with the levels of classism & division we’ve developed over the last 10 years or so. Or researching how to make electric conversions on classic vehicles (affordably) ... it’s an eclectic mix.

Sweet, Spicy, or Savory: Really depends on what it is, but generally probably savory.

Craving: not having to work. 😬😬😬

Tea or Coffee: Coffee, usually; but occasionally in the evening a nice mellow green tea with honey really hits the spot. Especially in the fall/winter.

-checks wrist-

I don’t have a watch but I assume it’s been a long time