Today waking up was a bit of a struggle. Had trouble falling asleep last night. Got a venti cup for the day. Disappointed in myself, mom wanted me to paint this little girls nails but I refused. Should’ve just done it though. Fail number one of the year. I think I am too much of a perfectionist in the sense that I don’t want to pursue or start anything if I’m not totally confident that I could surely succeed. I’m too scared of failure and criticism. In fact, this fear has stopped me in pursuing many things throughout my life. Professionally, academically, socially and romantically. I need to get my head together, and figure out what i want from this new year and to actively keep myself in check. Because right now I’m all over the place, disorganized. Today I failed myself by saying no. I didn’t challenge myself and now I’m sitting here helpless. But it’s okay, life moves on, try again next time. Went to the gym but before I worked out, had a long talk in the car with the brother. I know, he’s going to have to move out, he’s going to get married. But I can’t help but be upset at it all. Mainly because it just reaffirms the inevitability of growing up. Growing up seems like such a silly phrase to even say or use now, considering I’m way past that age where I need constant supervision. Time doesn’t wait for you, it moves on without any regards for anybody or anything. Doesn’t care if you are ready or not. It upsets me because while my brother is thinking about these things, I am still so lost. I am so behind. It may not seem like it, because I put on this facade that I’m okay, and that I know what I’m doing. But the truth is I’m so scared. He has a future, he has a plan. He has someone. I, have none of the above. Instead, I am the poster child, a walking billboard for unfulfilled potential. A skeleton of empty hopes and promises. Someone who desperately yearns to sail, to go the distance, only to realize that her ship is still tied to the dock. 

Currently vibing on Ed Sheeran, I absolutely adore him. Anticipating his and Lorde’s new music. Truly lyrical geniuses. And of course I have to mention in Taylor too. She can do no wrong in my eyes. The Bachelor came back today, watched it with mother, which was great, but definitely missing Shay. Don’t think I will be liking this season as much because of Nick. Even though I really like how the Twins are best friends with him, he seems kind of shady. But that’s okay I still love this show, mainly because I get to be my worst self and not feel have to guilty about it.