then i dont know what is.

Definitely, have a morning playlist. All Star, Tide is High, Closing Time, Mambo No.5 are just a couple that I have on mine. Really got me going on this fine Monday. Today gon be a good day. 

Got invited for an interview this Wednesday. Pray for me friends. 

A guy last night referred to me as shy, and it made me feel so small. That is definitely something I do not want to be perceived as. Katherine, CatCo, Olivia Pope, Leslie Knope. those are the women that to emulate. Strong, confident, fierce woman. 

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I’ve been proud of myself though. Been putting myself out there. Going on interview after interview. I’m getting more comfortable, more confident. I just hope that one sticks. Please. 

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I’ve decided after a long night of tossing and turning that I need to give love a chance. Honestly, this is the time to. Just go out with him. Go get dinner with him. No need to be nervous. No need to overthink this. Lets stop being socially awkward. Who gives. You are Katerina Petrova. 

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Okay turns out the dude is boring and is still into the rave scene. So bye. 

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I feel the need to write, to comment on this topic because it is one that I unfortunately hold dear in my heart. This is in reference to the book turned mini series. It was very hard to watch. Bullying in general is hard to witness. Even harder to go through. Sadly, I was a victim. I was scared. Scared to even go to school. Scared of what people said about me. Especially when none of it was true. 7th grade was hell for me. I dreaded waking up. I dreaded having to go to sleep. I tried confiding. I tried to reason with them. Nobody listened. Nobody cared enough to do anything. That’s middle school for you. 

Nothing that happened to me though, could compare to what happened to my brother. He had it a million times worse. The bullying started in elementary and carried on through until high school. I’ve contemplated about suicide, but never actually thought about going through with it. My brother has scars to prove his attempts. He even went on social media multiple times and announced it. I honestly can’t remember what happened. I can’t remember if anyone replied or said anything. I’m not so sure what I did. But I can tell you that I have talked to him, over the phone, in the moments where he was hysterical. Hysterical enough to do something stupid. I was able to talk to him from stepping over the edge. 

Some people argue that the show almost glorifies it. That it doesn't offer many solutions. Doesn’t offer a closure. I disagree. Yes, okay, I still have many questions. What’s the deal with Tyler and those guns? What did Mr. Porter decide to do with those tapes? Did they take Bryce in? But I think what it shows throughout, with every tape, is what they could’ve done. What they should have. If one were more attentive. If one told the truth. If one persisted. Hannah would’ve still been alive. There were warning signs. If we all were more aware, were more proactive, she could’ve been saved. 

This is a compilation of these last two weeks because its been rough. Still got that cough going on. 

Its been a long weekend. Obviously couldn't post cause didn’t have my laptop on me. But basically, he proclaimed his love for me and what do I do. I make out with his brother. In front of him. I’m a real winner. Okay, for the record though, he didn’t say it to me. He didn’t have the balls to say it to me. So. Like I’ve said before though, I don't think I could like him, or see him the way he sees me. I just don’t see him as anything but a friend. Now I’m basically just trying to recuperate and recover. Indulged myself in things I said I wouldn’t do. Fail. This weekend was actually pretty fail. Maybe I’m just over it all.

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I’ve been wanting to give up these past couple days. Couldn't even find the motivation to unpack, to clean up.  

Talked on the phone with the homeboy today about what happened this weekend. What happened with his brother. Once again, I can’t believe that there are despicable people out there who always cheat in every relationship they're in. But then again, I knew about it. I knew about it and I still kissed him. I was an active participant. I mean okay, I just also want to say that I did stop it. I did push him away. I knew it was wrong, and it was weird. It can never happen.

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Just started Shameless. And the bingewatching begins. 

I forget, no, I reject the notion that the world doesn’t revolve around me. Because in my world, it does. See, there I go again. Here I was, I didn’t care. I said I don't care and in a way I still don’t. But “what happened really hurt me” Fuck. I’m a bitch. I’m a cold bitch. I didn’t think about anyone else’s feelings but my own. I still am. Ugh, I am undeserving. 

I’ve always put myself on a pedestal. I’m better than them. I’m smarter. I’m prettier. I’ve accomplished more. I put on this facade of a person, someone who’s got their shit together. Someone who’s okay. The truth is, my whole life is a lie. I look at the people around me. My parents. My brother. My friends. They work hard.  Even when the odds were against them. They are self-sufficient. They take care of themselves, they take care of me. They have a life to tell. They have one worth remembering, worth knowing about. 

We are less than a couple days from this weekend, so got to kick everything into overdrive. Made some coffee, not that good of coffee but coffee nonetheless. Switching between that and lemon water. Probably not good for my stomach. Pops not coming back until later tonight, maybe even later. Will have to feed myself and keep myself busy and entertained until then. A me day. Wow, haven’t had one of these truly to myself this past week. 

Today was another good day of working out. The hardest part is always starting, but then once I do and get into the groove, I love the burn. Waited for pops to come home to eat dinner. Watched Patriots Day during. It was incredible to see how it all unfolded. How they figured it all out. The heroism.

Jennifer Aniston is a goddess. She is the girl next door. Between her and Angelina though, I see the intrigue. The misunderstood bad girl. Damn, Brad Pitt, you one lucky lad. 

Last night was fun, even though we didn’t really do much. I mean I felt like shit and passed out, which is a new for me. Those jello shots though, killer. Why did I hold his hand though? Super not into him. Would not ever. Much regret. How embarrassing. 

Currently sitting gonna floor on my laptop because my room is a mess, cousins napping on the bed, and there’s company outside. Really wishing I didn’t put the loaf of bread in the fridge because contrary to popular belief, not only is it better to leave it outside, but it can last for 2-3 more days past its expiration date. I only had two slices total from it so far so, get ready stomach, you about to be getting a good amount of carbs in your diet. My leg just went numb. Also regretting my nap. Its going to be hard to get to bed early tonight, considering I just started up Supergirl again. Many episodes available to catch up on. 

I’ve been really digging putting my hair into a braid. Well not me, but my cousin does it for me. I just can’t do it. I should just learn to be honest. I’ve also been getting really hungry at the worst possible time. So annoying when you brush your teeth only to fall into the temptation and end up eating a little while after. Didn’t do anything monumental today. Got my car checked because the brake was acting up, but turns out it was nothing and that it was fine. Took her to drop her things off at school and then came back to watch OJ Trial. Its so annoying that Kardashians are even included in the series. Bobby I get, but the rest, like please. As if they’re not already everywhere. 

Okay, I have made a pact with myself that I will be working exceptionally this weekend to apply. Going to get my Starbucks fix. I have run out of things to do. Will open up my search more, and also look at more search engines.

I truly truly suck. I guess life has been pretty hectic lately since I have friends again. And a cousin. But unfortunately, it has been taking time away from spending it with my pops..... Still unemployed, mainly because I haven’t been prioritizing my time for me. I’ve been busy helping people with theirs.

Yesterday, went to go pick her up at a guys house because she was too drunk to drive back. We are such great friends to each other to be honest... Very much down, refreshing to know that other people notice it too. Even though I think it’s great that I’m spending so much time with my old friends and my family more, I know that I’m growing further away from my college friends...... 

I can’t wait till it gets warmer. I have a feeling I will be hitting the beach this year quite a lot. Got a beach umbrella cause my ass gets tan so fast, and I’m already tan enough. And I just got a new foundation so. 

Wow wait I just realized that I didn’t talk about the major thing that happened on Friday with the cousin. Basically when I heard, I was hysterical. Like this actually happened. Shit so unlucky man, got caught and now she’s potentially going to be paying for it in the future. I’m going to try to do whatever I can though to be there for her and to help her. I’ve been. Honestly, though, I feel so bad for her. I don’t blame her for what happened and I’m not surprised. Her family situation is so shitty. She doesn’t have anyone there for her. Even for a while, in the beginning, she didn't even trust me to tell me the truth. I hope though that after spending time these past couple days, that she knows she can trust me. She can rely on me. 

After the whole drama though, went out with the squad. Two nights in a row actually, and I feel like our bond just got stronger. Even when they’re being super extra or annoying, I can deal with it. I am willing to deal with it. Other than that, it was an easy enough night, nothing too major happened on my end. 

I know I know when will it get back to normal am I right? 

Productive yesterday though, applied to the goal of 5 jobs, just not today. I did practice interviewing though. Definitely needs more practice. Way more. Also found out the exciting news that the entire group will be heading to vacay at the end of the month. Literally everyone is going to be there. Even he is going to be there. I need to get in shape, makeup and outfit has got to be on point. Plenty of motivation to be looking my best, and acting my best. If there is a time, it is right now. Working out last night though wasn’t as big of a struggle as it used to be, which maybe has to do with when I worked out a week or two ago. AM I GETTING STRONGER :O  Still had trouble sleeping though. I realized that I really have nothing or nobody to daydream about anymore.... Nothing really to keep me up at night, even though quite literally I’m still up at night. Felt pretty good about the day though. Got a lot of things done, but once again, its never completely done. I hate driving around here.

Was able to wake up early but then slept in again until pops came back home. Even though it wasn’t a productive day, it kind of somehow felt like it. Busted a mission to get dinner literally all around town. Hey, one for the books though. I missed going to Barnes and Noble though. I wish they still had tables and chairs so people could come and work at. Cause i would totally come, all the time, hands down. Those were the days.  I need to get back to browsing the web and ugh I know I am a broken record. So many things to do omg. What have literally been wasting my time doing...... Going to watch makeup tutorials and get my shit together. It is time to take selfies again. Wish I had a fun enough life and some self-esteem to vlog about it. 

Dad bought me some rings today, Lauren Conrad ones. I am in love with them. Honestly, i am so blessed. Blessed with the best family and the best friends. 

Wow I really really suck, but okay Sunday was hard and was recovery day. And hey, I warned you. Woke up late and to many missed calls and unanswered texts. It was nice catching up though, realized how much I’ve missed everyone. Saw way too many people at the bar though, but hey I looked good and I danced with the cutest guy there. WHICH TO BE HONEST never happens. I ain’t like that at all. I actually went for it. I saw what I wanted and I got it, even though I got many a side eye from jealous bitches who were trying to work him. AND i left him haha, my jam came on and I had to go back to dance with my squa. Should’ve stuck with them though, instead of “disappearing and then appearing.” But hey, I couldn’t help it T_T My best friend was there and I haven’t seen her in two months either so..... but still not as bad as other times so yay me. 

I thought it was a successful weekend, but there was an underlying drama that honestly I realize I am very easily swayed. I also realized that I mean a lot to people too. Like people actually confide in me. Which is weird, I don't know. I guess it’s always surprising for me to find out the amount of impact that I have on someone’s life. I hate emotions ugh. Anyways, yeah, a friend was hurt and even though it wasn’t my fault, the way I reacted was shitty. Even if I was busy or caught up. I should’ve let her know that I was here, that if she needed me I was here. I couldn’t even do that. And I am sorry. I can sit here and think of so many excuses, but the point is, people have feelings. People need affirmation, people need to know man. I don't know, I just have a hard time taking shit seriously.... Actually that is real problem that I need to fix. I need to take things more seriously. 

Sunday was recovery day, flying is so much easier man. And if you are not signed up for miles, you need to start. It is literally the best thing ever. Have redeemed flights before so. Yippee Kay Yay.  

WAIT EDIT THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN I DIDN’T FLY LOL IT WAS LAST WEEKEND but hey, still though. I stand by what I say. 

Okay, I missed a day, but mostly because nothing monumental happened yesterday. I slept late again, so I woke up later. Went to go eat at the same place that I had food poisoning at, but didn't take any chances, after made some ginger tea to help with digestion. Pops loves ginger. Believes it is magic, and can cure almost anything. Spent the remaining of the night preparing for the interview. 

Okay new day, woke up Holy shit this man next to me coughed and scared the shit out of me. Omg please tell me this isn’t going to continue happening. I’m very susceptible to shit like this UGH. Anyways, woke up very tired, which I find to be a good thing. Not overthinking. Didn’t get the job, but I have learned immensely from this experience. It’s unfortunate, but it’s okay. Now I know what to do next time. At least I went through with it... (has a terrible track record of flaking at the last minute...anxiety problems...) I’m really all talk, like all the time. Haven’t exactly decided whether or not I’m going to go up tomorrow, 85% leaning in doing so though. Haven’t seen one girl since graduation. It is time. Actually two girls, if she decides to follow through. Like bitch you complain, yet you decide not to go when its not convenient for you or its not what you want. I am going to judge you for how you decide to go about this.... How is it that everyone is still close, and still manages to be. Its not us, its none of us. All you baby girl. 

Arrival was what. I thought I understood what was happening, but then the twist got me all fucked up. What we didn’t know, we actually knew from the very beginning. Yeah ponder on that statement for a while. Had to read up on some articles about the movie. It ain’t for the weak. Felt a little FOMO today, but then its okay, because shit just ain’t the same anymore even if I did go out. 

 I feel like my dad heard what happened on the phone and that’s why he didn’t say anything to me... or ask me about it... I just feel like a complete failure and disappointment. That’s because I am.

Heard from two places, fingers crossed that things turn out well and your girl will be employed very soon. I hope things will continue going down this path. It was very difficult to get up in the morning and in the early afternoon. Felt so unmotivated and thought that today was going to be wasted again. However, after a nap, I was able to get up and get out to get things done. My dreams have been so weirdly surreal...like I’m more aware and I can feel things now. Shit man. I want to get back to reading and surfing the web again, I feel like I’m so behind and missing out. 

Watched Allied with pops just now. So good omg. Bawled so much in the end. Edge of my seat the entire time. Thank you Oscars, now I have a plethora of movie choices to watch with pops. 

Had a talk with the old roommate, and it was very very insightful. Realized what I should and shouldn’t do, even realized how I feel about things that I was confused about. Maybe I became friends with her again because I was lonely. Because I wasn’t close to anyone. Even then, I honestly wouldn’t be able to confirm or really deny it (which I really want to do) because I just don't fucking know. All I know is that I was over it, and I guess after some time, I was open and ready for a friendship again. I was asked this question many times prior, could I ever be friends with her again? I would always say FUCK NO. I don’t think I can look at her without thinking about what happened. Thinking about what she did to me. How much hurt it caused me. But now, I can look at her and be around her, without wanting to punch her. That’s how I know. Another topic we touched was the subject of the guy friend, who with the rate that we are talking and have been talking, he’s basically more than that. In many people’s eyes. However, as much as I have thought about it, daydreamed, contemplated, I don't think I could go through with it. I mean I just honestly don’t see him that way. I have any romantic feelings for him. I just simply want to be friends, really good friends. And everyone says, and even I say, that he’s into me. What he tags me in, what he says to me, the way he subtly flirts hints at him wanting something more. But if he does, why doesn’t he give me any affirmation? What doesn’t he fucking just say it? Why doesn’t he do anything? So, maybe its just in my head, because shit, we’ve been talking for a long time so. I don't want to ruin the friendship, and I hope he doesn’t either. Least not for now. So yes, I guess I’m putting him on the back burner. Low-key. 

Had a terrible scare today. Pops called me telling me to hurry up and change, when he got home we had to drive over to Grandpa’s house. He started to feel really tired and insisted on calling an ambulance to take him to a hospital. In those moments, I felt so guilty. Guilty for not spending any time with them. For not coming over to see them. For lying. All they have given me is unconditional love, and I can’t even give them a call or come visit them. And so, I prayed. I prayed for extra time. I prayed for it to all be okay. When my dad come home, I could see the worry in his eyes. He was rattled, disoriented with this news. He wasn’t thinking clearly, so I drove over, and everywhere after that. Luckily though, 911 didn’t have to be called. He started to feel a little better. Problem averted. Going to take this blessing and find a way to spend some time with them. To reiterate from past posts, its just hard to, because of first the language barrier, the stubbornness, and because I can’t really take them out anywhere..... not in the condition that they're in. I’ll find a way though. 

The events of the morning threw me off for the entire day. Couldn’t really do much for me personally, so going to have to push it all off for tomorrow. A new month, a new day. Hopefully March will be much better, and I will finally have a sense of direction, and a job. 

I am very jealous and at the same time, very inspired by her. How mature and how strong she has become. How successful. How she was able to help her parents buy a house. Things I wish I could be, wish I could do.

Okay so , I know I missed a couple of days, but thats because I was in a different state without my laptop and didn’t have any time really. This may happen a couple more times throughout the year, but hey, I would say it is very understandable. So here’s a quick recap and overall thoughts on my whirlwind of a weekend. Delay was bullshit, but hey I’d rather always be safe than sorry. Forever scarred by what happened over the summer.... But the first night was unexpectedly fun. I didn’t think it would go the way it did, and hey shit, your girls got game. Didn’t know I could flirt as well as I did. Oops. However, the weekend wasn’t the best for everyone, which is very unfortunate because it should’ve been for one person. This weekend proved to me how I’m not in college anymore. Must be very aware and careful too, because one night, it all came up but thank goodness it was dark and I was in black, and it wasn’t much. Made some surprising yet not really surprising decisions. But hey, 4/4. Hopefully it doesn't come back to bite my ass. The last night I realize I am more dramatic than I should be, and I need to calm down and be careful with how I go about things. I give the weekend a solid 7/10, because although I experienced new things, it had so much more potential. I would only hope that when it is my turn, it would be out of this world. 

Watched the Oscars with pops, homeboy was really into it surprisingly. I’m glad he’s very in touch with entertainment. But holy shit, got a text from a dude that I shouldn’t be talking to. Or no I shouldn’t. Shit. Might’ve made plans. Lowkey want to, but knowing me, and knowing what is morally right, I will make up an excuse, and find a way to flake. Sorry lol. T_T Just too many ties there with so much potential hurt. Yeah, he might really just have good intentions in being friends and wanting career advice, but I’m not willing to take that chance. 

I should really look at my horoscope and see if they're accurate, because I feel like what happened yesterday is pretty monumental. Actually 2017 so far has been really eye-opening. I realized the extent of my influence over my feelings towards her, and how that affected my brother. I also realize how much he loves her. Like, how genuine those feelings are. Even if I don’t really understand them, or really want to cause like to be honest ew gross. I also reconnected with my cousin, someone who I basically raised. Someone I will continue to look and watch over. And now, I’m talking to Malfoy? Like who would’ve thought? LITERALLY NOBODY. 2017 off to a great start. It is a year of forgiveness, a year of being open. A year of resolution, of truly working on my relationships with people. Fuck, I’m maturing. 

WTF happened today lol. Literally, did hell freeze over or? Cause I literally hung out with the one person I never ever thought I would ever again. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. I mean honestly, I think for her it was like old times, but I found myself kind of tired to try and keep up with her, but that’s how its always been I guess. I think she was genuine though, in how she felt, in how much she’s matured since then. I mean, I’m not saying I get it or anything, but I get how you could be so caught up in college. Hell, I sure did, and I ended up caring about the wrong things, kicked it with the wrong people. I know no one believes me when I say it, she didn’t even, but I am over it though. Yes, I’ve never felt as hurt as I did in those moments. Yes, I cried for days, weeks. She would haunt my thoughts, my dreams. But, then one day, it all just disappeared.  “It hurts now, it hurts like hell and you have every right to feel whatever you feel right now. I’m telling you though, It’ll be okay. Everything will okay. One day, you’ll wake up, and you will be okay.” Thanks roomie, you don’t understand how much that shit helped. How much that rang true. I don’t even think about it anymore. I don’t dwell on it. I’m like numb to those feelings. Like I’m almost glad it happened. It allowed me to get over him. For the longest time, my thoughts would constantly be of him. I would look for him in everyone I talked to, everywhere I went. She allowed me to let his hold on me go . What happened could never be erased. It is a stain in our past, one that will never wash away. I don't know where we’ll go from here, but I guess we’ll just have to find out. It’s only been a year and half since we last talked but it feels like so much longer than that. At the same time, its like we’ve never been apart. it feels good to know though, that she’s always thought of me, that she checks up on me. That she’s only said good things about me.