#butmad

     Silence. It is silence that surrounds the two of them as she approaches him-tears rolling down cheeks devoid of any color. Hands tremble as she grips tightly to the haphazard bouquet and lips quiver-long, dark locks are let loose and left tangled and the hem of her slip is caked in mud-

    [gone is the lively maiden with an eternal smile. She has been replaced with a shattered reflection of herself.]

       It is the prince who stands before her-the lover who has scorned her. The lover that she believed she would never see again.( At first, she thinks him to be a ghost-that her mind is playing tricks on her. Why, sometimes she swears she can see her father walking down the halls of her house. But before she can run to greet him, he vanishes-

    she extends a hand, wondering if he will vanish. But he does not. )

      Carefully, she places her palm against his cheek, yearning for a moment of the love she once had. Of the love that she has lost. [There is a piece of her that wishes to wrap her arms around him and bury her head in his chest, merely wanting to hear his heartbeat. To know that there is still a p i n c h of life left in him.]

    But then she remembers his shouts. The way he gazed upon her with such intense hatred. The torn letters that she picked up, tears staining each fragment.

     And she strikes him, hoping that he feels the pain she carries in her heavy heart.

NANCY  NEVER  STOPPED  LOVING  STEVE .           she  did ,  however ,  perceive  it  as  that .  or ,  okay ,  the  better  way  to  describe  this  would  be  that  she  had  her  doubts .  around  the  summer  before  s2 ,  she  began  to  isolate  herself .  it  was  subtle ,  and  it  was  largely  due  to  bouts  of  horrific  depression  and  anxiety  flare - ups  which  coincided  with  the  canon  i  hold  for  her  which  is  that  she  takes  medication  to  keep  her  symptoms  under  control  and  she  often  forgets  or  punishes  herself  by  not  taking  them .  i  think this  time  in  particular  is  hard  for  her .   she  gets  paranoid  about  her  relationships ,  and  her  guilt  melds  with  her  paranoia ,  and  it’s  constantly  telling  her  :  you  don’t  deserve  this ,  this  is  too  good  for  you ,  it  can’t  be  this  good .

so ,  i  think  a  big  part  of  it  is  that  she’s  convincing  herself  that  she  doesn’t  love  him  because  on  a  subconscious  level  she  feels  guilty  for  being  with  him ,  and  for  being  happy  with  him .  he  represents  life  before  the  upside  down .  he  represents  good  things ,  or  innocent  things ,  and  it  feels  weird  for  her  to  be  with  him  still  as  if  nothing  happened .  as  if  he  didn’t  break  her  heart ,  and  more  importantly  as  if  she  doesn’t  have  lingering  guilt  over  the  fact  that  he  and  her  were  together  while  barb  was  dying .  that  she  heard  barb  in  that  scene  and  didn’t  stop  what  was  happening  to  check  on  her .  she’s  mad  at  herself ,  but  because  it’s  such  a  hugely  complex  emotion ,  her  head  takes  it  out  on  steve .

now ,  timeline - wise ,  this  is  set  in  motion  ever  since  s1  and  after  the  right  moves  situation .  i  think  that  shakes  her ,  originally ,  and  i  don’t  think  they  ever  have  a  proper  conversation  about  that  so  it  lingers  in  the  back  of  her  head .  now ,  that  said ,  i  think  it  gets  worse  during  the  summer ,  and  it  makes  her  feel  uneasy .  what  really  triggers  anger  directly  towards  him  is  the  party  /  barb’s  parents  hiring  murray  to  look  into  the  case .  it  triggers  something  for  her .  and  her  hurt  and  her  anger  is  actually  towards  herself ,  but  him  trying  to  give  her  an  out  (  let’s  just  be  stupid  teenagers  )  makes  her  angry .  not  because  of  him .  because  she  doesn’t  feel  like  she  deserves  to  have  fun  like  that .  and  it’s  complicated .  she’s  not  self - aware  of  her  self - hatred .  so  she  misplaces  it .

she  doesn’t  think  she  doesn’t  love  him  until  he  says  it  to  her ,  because  that’s  not  what  i  hc  her  to  have  meant  by  the  line  “ like  we’re  in  love ” .  she  meant  for  the  focus  to  be  on ,  “  like  we  didn’t  kill  barb ” .  because  she  says  “ like  we’re  in  love  and  we’re  partying ” .  she’s  mocking  the  situation .  she’s  not  saying  they’re  not  in  love .  but  the  way  she  phrases  it ,  of  course  he  picks  up  on  it ,  and  him  calling  it  out  makes  her  realize  a  way  out .  she  replies  “ bullshit ”  because  she’s  speaking  out  her  subconscious  instinct  which  is  to  ruin  things .  make  it  bad .  you  don’t  deserve  him .  you  don’t  deserve  this . 

then  the  next  day ,  he  reiterates  it  and  asks  her  to  claim  otherwise  but  suddenly  all  the  guilt  over  the  relationship  finds  a  way  to  rework  itself .  she  starts  to  look  at  it  in  a  more  easily  understandable  package .  he  gives  her  a  reason  why  she’d  been  feeling  so  fucking  awful ,  and  it’s  easier  to  face  than  “ i  feel  like  i  killed  my  best  friend  and  i  don’t  want  to  be  happy  because  of  it ” .  so  instead ,  she  latches  on  to  that  explanation .  murray  later  hammers  in  the  concept .  finally  she  has  a  scapegoat  for  her  discomfort ,  and  anxiety .  it’s  not  accurate .  it’s  a  misjudgment  of  her  own  emotions  because  she  is  a  logical  person .  she  has  little  handle  over  her  own  feelings ,  and  very  little  understanding .  she  doesn’t  process  her  internal  motivations  well . 

  A SORT OF  SMILE,   which was as  beautiful,  light,  and  fluid  as water,  curled the  young prince’s  lips  upward.  he slung his arms around  romeo’s shoulders  like one  might  if they were  dancing  with someone,   closing the  distance between them     –    chest to  chest,    nearly  face to face.     it was strange,  how amleth could make such  shockingly  intimate  gestures  after  proving himself  in conversation to be a private,  perhaps  even  a  somewhat  socially  inept  man.

smiling,   gaze  trained  on the  other’s  eyes,   amleth  said  softly:   “well,   then what are you waiting for? i’m more than happy to give you permission,    if that’s what it is.”

        It really was the perfect arrangement.   Viola loved her brother so dearly for it. Sebastian had interests exceeding scholarly endeavor, and Viola never had the choice. It was no loss to  him  to surrender his position at Wittenburg. Their father would be furious, of course, so they agreed not to tell him. Viola would be ‘Sebastian’ and attend school, while he explored the sea with his good friend Antonio.

              ❛   I CAN’T EAT THESSSE, amleth. i’m soo soooorry.  ❜  the luxurious chocolate dipped strawberries were beautiful, and wanda did feel her tongue wanting to taste them, but she knew she couldn’t. though, another thought went to the back of her mind, should she tell him now ? lips part to say it but they end up closing once more, only to replace with the same smile as before.