#but you never know...

Kaidan lets him walk by without further comment. There are times he knows Shepard needs a few minutes to sort things out – in his head, in his heart, or in other ways – and this appears to be one of them.  Instead, he follows after him and bides his time.  They make it about halfway between the War Room and the CIC before Shepard veers off into the conference room to stare out the windows.  That’s when Kaidan knows whatever troubles him is far weightier than it appears on the surface.

Shepard braces his arms against the bulkhead, his eyes focused on the stars and the soft glow that surrounds the Normandy. “Do you ever wonder if you’ve made the right decision,” he asks quietly.

“You’ll need to be a bit more specific,” Kaidan returns.  “I’ve made a lot of decisions over the years, some more important than others.”  And some I will regret until the end of my days, he adds silently.  Shepard peeks over at him and the look in his eyes assures him he’s aware of that, too.

Shepard turns and folds his arms across his chest. There’s something in his eyes, something Kaidan can’t quite put a name to, and it sends a chill up his spine. As if … As if he knows the end is near.  A ripple of unease works across Kaidan’s shoulders, down his arms, leaving him slightly breathless in the process.  “What’s wrong?”  He waits a moment; Shepard remains silent.  “This isn’t about what happened on Omega, is it?”

Shepard shakes his head.  “No.”

Kaidan rounds the conference table and uses it to lean against directly across from him before asking quietly, “Which decision are you talking about?”  Something in Shepard’s voice leaves him unsure he wants to know.

Shepard inhales slowly, his chest rising as the air fills it.  “Saving the Destiny Ascension three years ago.”

Kaidan blinks.  A sudden lump of dread expands in his belly to the point where he almost feels sick because of it.  “Wow, that’s … that’s right out of left field, don’t you think?”

Their eyes meet and in Shepard’s, he can see the thoughts whirling just behind the piercing blue.  It’s not genuine regret, really, but something else driving this. Something that is troubling him. Reaching out his hand, Kaidan lays it across one of Shepard’s forearms and squeezes.  “Talk to me,” he insists.  “I’m here.”  He may not like whatever it is Shepard has to say, but he’s going to be here this time, no matter what.

Shepard’s eyes fall to where Kaidan’s hand lies and Kaidan is about to pull back, but as if sensing that, Shepard shifts to take it in his.  He squeezes back in reassurance and just stands there, holding it.  A chill runs up from their connection, Shepard’s hands are always colder than his, but Kaidan doesn’t pull away.  “The asari are holding something back,” Shepard says softly, just barely loud enough for Kaidan to hear.  “I can sense it every time I speak with Councilor Tevos.  Aria hinted as much, too.  And whatever it is, it’s big.”  He sighs before lifting his gaze back to Kaidan’s.  “It has to be … They’re invested in the Crucible now, but they don’t want to jump both feet in and –.”

“And you can’t help but wonder if by not saving the Destiny Ascension the new asari councilor would be more cooperative?” Kaidan finishes for him.

Shepard’s eyes close and a visible tremble ripples throughout his body, but he nods.  “It sounds so much worse when you say it aloud,” he mutters, glancing away.

Kaidan tightens his hand around Shepard’s and tugs. It effectively pulls him from the wall, standing with less than a foot between them.  “I won’t begin to suggest I know what you go through on a daily basis with all of this,” he says while using his free hand to gesture toward the War Room, “but I do know it isn’t easy.  The fact that you have doubts only proves just how human you are.”

Shepard snorts, shakes his head, but remains silent.

“You doubt me?”

Another tremor shudders through Shepard, one that Kaidan feels through their hands.  “Weren’t you the one who doubted me a year ago?”

Kaidan leans in until only inches separate them. “I thought you said you forgave that back then?”

Shepard’s Adam’s apple bobs tightly and the corners of his eyes crease tightly as if in pain.  “I – I did,” he insists.

“Then believe me,” Kaidan continues quietly, eyes flaring with intensity as he speaks, “when I tell you I have absolutely no doubts about you now.  None whatsoever.”  Shepard’s eyes close on a ragged sigh; far from relief, it’s more indicative of insecurity than anything.  Whatever it is troubling him, Kaidan is certain it has roots far deeper than doubts about his friends and allies.  “Come on,” he says, his voice softer as he tightens his hand around Shepard’s again, “you need some rest, I think.”