#btprobs

Usually I have this plan, when I’m home, of family Friday night, then shul and people from shul all day Saturday. Because my parents care about Friday night, always have, and not about Saturday, never will. And that’s been going well so far. But my dad works late friday evenings. Usually I light candles on time and then nap for a few hours and have dinner when he gets home. This week I was not tired for a nap, my mom was working from her computer, and I was bored out of my mind (having read all the books in my house on past shabbatot). And so I got up and went to someone from shul’s house. I knew they would be fine with having me last minute because that’s who they are as people and I’m really grateful they welcomed me. But I sat there at this family’s shabbat table, that was not my family’s shabbat table, feeling so much regret and all these mixed feelings wondering if I can ever again happily/comfortably live with my own family, who I love dearly.

Last winter vacation, I had multiple break downs about lack of kosher food aboard a cruise with my family. I understand that cruises are a luxury that many would dream of the ability to go on one. We were visiting a very xtian part of the world where everything (except the churches) was closed for Xmas, and the meat was served right next to the milk, and they randomly put squid juice in cookies. On a cruise you have no choice but to eat this food because you are in the middle of the ocean. It’s time to plan our next family vacation and honestly, I would rather abandon them and find a beit midrash program or something. They’re asking me to chose between another cruise or a roadtrip to a few cities, which I checked do have orthodox shuls. I said the roadtrip, and they said, “are you sure? The cruise will be really nice and dad wants to go.” The idea of another cruise is dreadful to me, the constant reminder that my family will never take my kashrut seriously, living on a giant floating environmental disaster with no mezuzot anywhere, no Jewish presence, and no matter how hard I try, constant mental breakdowns. I know that I won’t be able to put kashrut aside but I do want to put in work with my family. However "the lack of kosher food will give me breakdowns" will probably sound ridiculous and unproductive if I say it out loud to them...

Did I just have a nightmare about being pressured to eat somewhere treif while I was also really really hungry

Kavanah is such a huge part of my life and what I aim towards in Judaism. It's difficult for me to imagine observant judaism without kavanah, even though I know many others see it that way, as rushing through.

also i bought a shabbos belt on impulse on the internet last week like 30 minutes before shabbat and it just arrived a couple days ago

For everyone who tells me to ask my rabbi: I now have made a time to speak to him. It involved a long email chain back and forth, as well as him approaching me during kiddush to tell me he’s more flexible than I think, but we have a time now

I didn't think, when I joined my current shul, that I'd make friends who speak just as if not more inappropriately than my old friends. But alas, dick jokes are apparently going to be a lasting part of shabbat afternoons. For me, however, this subject reminds me of my pre-bt days and experiences I regret. Such a fun shabbat topic...I kind of hate being the most experienced one in many rooms I'm in. I kind of slut-shame myself in my head all day long.