#btstruggles

Usually I have this plan, when I’m home, of family Friday night, then shul and people from shul all day Saturday. Because my parents care about Friday night, always have, and not about Saturday, never will. And that’s been going well so far. But my dad works late friday evenings. Usually I light candles on time and then nap for a few hours and have dinner when he gets home. This week I was not tired for a nap, my mom was working from her computer, and I was bored out of my mind (having read all the books in my house on past shabbatot). And so I got up and went to someone from shul’s house. I knew they would be fine with having me last minute because that’s who they are as people and I’m really grateful they welcomed me. But I sat there at this family’s shabbat table, that was not my family’s shabbat table, feeling so much regret and all these mixed feelings wondering if I can ever again happily/comfortably live with my own family, who I love dearly.