#brook rants

Her egg was stolen by a power-hungry man, and grew up never knowing how much her mom cared for her. Died as a dragonet, but her mind lived on for five thousand years because of a plant that used her as a host to help it grow and spread like an infectious weed (which it pretty much was). Only given Lizard as a name. Never received or gave any love during that time; lived on with only hatred shared between her and her human captor. Basically forced to control sentient beings until it was normal for her that she felt no need to retaliate having to do what the human or plant wanted.

Honestly, I’m glad Tui wrote this book in Luna’s perspective, because it’s something that was needed. In the few days that Luna was trapped down in the abyss, Freedom needed that time. It may not be enough compared to the five thousand years of misery and isolation, but it was something. Something to give her—show her—that not all dragons were as terrible as Cottonmouth (the human) claimed they were. It gave her a friend in Luna, and in the dragonet that was with her. The memories and the hug she was given; she needed them. In the end, it was all for something. And it was so heartbreaking-but-so-kind for Luna and Dusky (the dragonet) to give her a name worth giving to her, that represented something—Freedom.

it only took me 2 months (sarcasm) but i think ive finally figured out why im not motivated to learn languages recently.

i was thinking about it today after reading a few langblr posts & i realized that coincidentally my motivation left immediately after my one month Swedish challenge in April where i tried to learn 1,000 words in only a month (i got close with 800). Even though it probably doesnt seem like a lot i was learning 50+ words almost every other day & if i missed a few days i compensated & made my goal 100-150. As you can imagine doing this much work learning a language completely drained me & looking back i realized that at that point i wasnt really doing it for fun anymore, but instead i was just pushing myself too hard in a desperate attempt to get closer to fluency.

When I first started learning languages in September 2017 I originally made my fluency goal for swedish in July of this year. I wanted to be at least b2 level, but as you can see I definitely didnt make it that far after my April burnout lol. My plan was to study 1,000 words each month until July which would have set me at around 5,000 words. For some people who like intensive studying this is no doubt impossible, but for me ive learned that its not worth it because ive just witnessed myself losing my love of languages & the reason why i started in the first place.

It seems like such a simple realization, but apparently it took me 2 months to figure it out. I wont be pushing myself to do anything like learning as many words possible in a month anymore. Instead I'll just continue learning at my own pace & having fun. I'll reach fluency when i get there, its not a race.

cough i havent studied in 2 months & all my words that i need to review in memrise have stacked up to like 500 or so which is really not making me want to get back into studying at all though cough

also im still really struggling through pronunciation & speaking in swedish which really isnt helping my motivation either. ive gotten to the point where im too embarrassed to even speak to myself in fear of making any mistakes so im just like whats the point if I'll never be able to speak

so last summer i got on my laptop and binged a disney channel show called andi mack. i don’t remember why, but i somehow always manage to find the media i appreciate without even knowing it at the time. i watched the entire first season, and the second season premiere came out last saturday or sunday night; i don’t remember which one. i watched it just a few minutes ago, and i’d like to commend disney for this episode.

there’s a particular scene i’d like to mention here, and there’s a link here if you’d like to watch it. i strongly recommend you do so, but if you’re unable, i’ll summarize.

these characters, buffy and cyrus, are seventh graders. they have these friends, (also seventh graders) andi and jonah, who seem to be near getting together. they’re “talking”, if you may. cyrus and buffy are talking, and cyrus is expressing his mild jealousy. he likes jonah.

in case you haven’t yet realized, this boy is practically coming out to his friend. the most meaningful thing about this scene is what she says back. he tells her, “i feel weird...different.” and she tells him, “cyrus, you’ve always been weird. but you’re no different.”

this scene means a lot, and i’d like to thank disney for including the lgbtq community and exposing children to the existence of these people in the world. even moreso, i’d like to commend their morals.

here’s an abbreviated list of reasons why disney definitely shouldn’t have aired that episode.

they probably lost views

very “controversial”

their entire reputation just changed

they probably lost a lot of money on this because of homophobes in the media

here’s a list of reasons they should have.

social and cultural progression for the lgbtq community in children’s media

that’s it. let me highlight this for you.

this company valued social justice over money.

In the first chorus, we are given these lyrics:

They tell me think with my head//Not that thing in my chest

. . .

But you’re the one that I want//And if that’s really so wrong//Then they don’t know what this feeling is like

It makes me think of those people who say that Will should find someone else other than Mike, because of all the times he’s been a jerk to him. I get it, but they just don’t look too much into the subtext (e.g. Mike’s possible internalized homophobia).

But what I think is… so unique, is that despite all of the times Mike messed up, Will still ends up loving him, even if he comes to a point where he starts to really think that they could never be anything more than just friends. In the lyrics, it’s kind of an equivalent to Will telling those viewers that even though they’re telling him to move on, they could never comprehend how deep his feelings go.

I take this scene as proof of that. Because even though he’s hiding behind El, he’s still basically confessing to Mike that he loves him.

“If [I] was mean to you, or [I] seemed like [I] was pushing you away, it’s because [I’m] scared of losing you …. And if [I] was going to lose you, I think [I] would just get over with it quick. Like ripping off a band-aid. So yeah; [I] need you, Mike. And [I] always will.”

By the last sentence (though he’s projecting through El), he’s saying that he will always need Mike. Even through all of the mistakes, he will still need him. In other words, he will always love Mike. (I might be delusional, but I’m going down with this ship forever.)

But anyways—going back to the point of this post—the song! Next we have these lyrics:

Hold on to your opinions and stand by what you said

. . .

In the end it's my decision, so it's my fault when it ends

There is a possibility that in ST5, Will could believe that there’s no way of becoming more with Mike. But he’s going to stand by his feelings for Mike until the end. Until he wants the heartbreak to end, he will probably try to rip it off like a band-aid (as much as I hate to think about this). (I also wish I had more to say on this, but now my brain power is coming down lmao.)

speaking for most people especially just to yourself is most likely effortless & sounds stupid to quit learning over, but when i cant even bring myself to say something incredibly simple like "hej" to me theres something wrong. i know its because i am my own worst enemy & i criticize everything i say way too much, but i cant not do it lol.

Why must I be a people pleaser?

Why must I be treated and taught like I don’t need happiness?

I wish and wish that someday I’ll get out, but when will that be? All I’m left with are my fantasies of living on my own. I have issues that need addressing, but no one around to help. There’s still a lot of things I don’t know about; a lot I don’t understand because I never had the right help. I say I don’t need therapy, but who is there other than a stranger?

I push people away because I feel like I annoy them—I’m the problem. I will always be the problem in other people’s lives, because I just ruin everything that’s good.

I’m not allowed outside much because of how introverted I am. I can’t even keep the friends I once had.

All I want is to be seen. All I want is some help. But all I do is push away, because that’s all I’ll ever be good at.

I love romantic comedies so much because I am a hopeless romantic. I crave for stories that I see in the movies, hoping that one day I could live one of my own. I want someone who will love me for me; someone who I can love without limits. And yet….

I’m full of emotion, yet I feel dead—one moment my heart is full of love; the next I’m a sociopath. So many emotions are always wanting to spill out no matter what. I bottle things up inside; when my tears start flowing, I’m seen as too emotional.

When does this cycle ever end?

Will I ever be saved from myself if I continue like this?