#brian jameson

Flamehead Special Edition Mini Comic #0 (July 1998) by JNCO Comics

12:15am

It’s officially Halloween and my last night in the apartment.. I’m drinking my Midnight Blue tea and going to have white in a bit. I have Jar of Hearts radio on Pandora currently. All of these songs playing are really speaking to me and making me feel like Nick is still around. Currently Death Cab for Cutie-Someday you will be loved is playing and just really hits right in the feels.’

I changed all the addresses on my accounts again to my moms address.

I packed up a little more earlier today and knew it would be hard for me to pack and understand that this is all over. Tears kept flooding my eyes as I put more and more things away. I took a moment to sit down and cry it all out to be able to continue to do everything. I took some things to storage and figured I’d wait until later to finish everything.

I got home and showered. I sat in the shower and cried and realized it would be my last one here. I thought of all the times Nick and I showered together. The times we would be showering quick to go to a party or go somewhere fun. Whenever I park in my parking space I still look at the bathroom to see if the light is on. I know it won’t be on but I used to always look for the light to be on because almost every time I’d get home, he would be in the shower. Just a habit of mine still.

As the water kept running I just sat there staring at the handle in disbelief that now I have to face reality and this is all real now.. I know in my heart I don’t feel we have broken up but reality slaps you in the face and reminds you that indeed this is real and it’s happening whether I feel it or not and it just hurts a little bit more..

I finished showering and went to Sonic to get food. I was fucking starving and that’s where we went most of the time when we wanted to pig out. I figured it would be good to eat the meal we used to have and come home and watch Below Deck. Our most watched shows together were Below Deck, Live PD, Impractical Jokers and American Horror Story. We even saw impractical jokers live lol. Since Below Deck was on tonight I figured I’d finish watching it since I probably won’t be able to finish the series.

When you really break down this situation this is the way it looks and feels to me.

I dealt with death in the beginning..

I went to the memorial, I spoke all the words I had in my heart in his honor and mourned. I went the places he and I went to for more closure and will continue to do so.

Now I’m dealing with the breakup..

The move out, the packing of boxes of everything we shared and living somewhere else without him.

That’s why this is so hard, it’s losing someone to death and a breakup at the same time. It’s like getting heartbroken all over again one last time.

Everything still feels like it just happened yesterday and I still find myself crying wherever I drive or run into something that reminds me of him.. I just feel so tormented by emotions that it gets to be a little too much at times and really makes me question life and everything happening in general.

This situation really fucking sucks. This is the one time I do feel angry at Nick because packing everything is frustrating since we had so much shit and it hurts going through everything and getting emotional every 5 seconds.. We put this place together and built a home for ourselves just to tear it all down.

I’m experiencing so much emotion that I start to feel like I can’t deal.. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to move on and if I do how will it be? Will I have found how and will I be the same?.. I have so many questions with none answered. I still wonder why this happened to me and why he would do what he did… We were going to be fine, everything was looking up and things were about to be really good and now it’s all over and I have to learn to live without him and grow without him.

All we want is someone to love us, someone to show us love is real and to care for us but no one tells us or prepares us for the what ifs..

Thursday Nov 1st 11:30pm

Yesterday I had to move out of the apartment.

I barely ate anything because of how stressed I was about the move. I went to the storage unit first thing in the morning and dropped off whatever else I could do alone. I wanted the experience to be intimate. I didn’t realize I had so much shit until it became never ending. We really accumulated so much shit in a matter of 2 years. I was shocked how much stuff we had.

Thank God for my friend Tiara and her boyfriend and my brother to help with all the heavy shit. I’ve been really sick with allergies and just been weezing and coughing.

The move took a total of about 12 hours to do…. It was rough.

This move was extremely emotional for me. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I would of stayed there until I was ready to move but I just couldn’t afford it alone..

Once everything was pretty much in storage. My brother and I went back for one more trip to get the last of everything.

I walked through the empty apartment looking around at how empty it was and remembering when we first got our keys and went to look at the space before moving in.

I figured it was time to start closing the doors. Something in me was just signaling to close the doors, I felt like I’d get closer to closure if I do it.

I went to the bedroom and decided to start at the closet with the goodbye process. I stared at the closet and began to cry thinking of all those times we would be getting ready together and I would ask for his advice on what to wear or he’d ask me a million different times what belt with what shoes he should wear.. I closed the closet door and stood at the doorway of the bedroom staring at the room where we spent every night together sleeping. I looked at all the dents on the floor from where the bed was and just thought about how he would wake me up in the middle of the night from cuddling me. Even though he was a big guy, he loved to be cuddled. Nick was really really gentle and even though he was big and intimidating he was the biggest teddy bear and loved to be held.. I turned the light off and took the remote with me, it’s the one thing we really shared together and I wanted to keep that.

I walked to the den and thought of all those memories of how he would always be taking my picture for my Instagram and for the companies I would shoot for. I thought of how it looked like a garage when we first moved in because of how much shit was piled in it. I would get so mad at him for it! Lol. One of the last thins I remember asking him was why he made so much room in the den and he replied saying that it was because he knew I wanted to have a social media room and wanted me to have more space.. I closed the door and went to the kitchen.

I thought about all the times we cooked together or on Sundays when we would be hanging out at home doing nothing and I’d make us breakfast or if he knew I had a long week ‘he’ would make us breakfast. I thought of all those times I’d come home in a bad mood and no matter how upset I’d be he would always ask if I was hungry and if I wanted him to make me something to eat. I would always make a big chickpea veggie soup and it was one of the last things we cooked together and I remember so vividly that day because he didn’t want me touching the soup at all, I could tell he was trying to learn how to make it all on his own! I told him that night that the trick was in the spices and when it was finished it’s as if I had made it, he definitely got it down with the spices and didn’t over do it. I turned the light off and went to the living room

I sat on the floor in silence trying to contain myself and just thank him for everything and again started crying.. I finished the water bottles he left behind on his last day. I left those for last because I knew I’d need them for this last day. I mainly kept them because it was the closest to a last kiss that I was going to get and I guess I just wanted to save that for last..

The living room holds the most amount of memories since we spent so so much time there. All I thought of was how we would watch all our favorite shows together or how I’d cook dinner and we would sit and have dinner on the coffee table and watch our shows or a movie. I’d lay my arm next to him and he would scratch my arm or how I’d want to cuddle next to him and we would somehow someway find a way to both lay on the couch together. Normally when I’d lay next to him like that I’d fall right asleep because of how comfortable I was. We would discuss things going on in shows or movies while laying on the couch and just really spending quality time together.

I realized more and more as I saw the holes in the walls, how much Nick actually did for me.

There was a light fixture that he installed for me so I could do hair at home and when Christian took it down I saw how many holes were drilled and all the wiring Nick went through to hook it all up for me.. That’s true love…. He went through so much to help me so I could follow my dreams and be happy..

I started to talk to him out loud and just hoped he could hear me and hear how sad I am without him and how I just miss him a lot.

The last place to go to was the bathroom.. The 1 thing I grabbed last was his mirror and razors from the shower.. I know how much he used those and I just kept getting images of when I’d come home and find him showering and shaving.. He would always yell “HI BABE!” or I’d go in there if he didn’t hear me come into the house and I’d scare the shit out of him lol. I closed the door and was getting ready to leave.

I stood at the doorway staring down the hall that lead to the living room thinking of how many times I came home to hear him greet me. The times I would come home drunk from being out with him all night and how the first thing we would always do is throw our shoes off, take our pants off and lay on the couch. I thought of how much I was going to miss the apartment and how much I wish I didn’t have to leave.. Before I got too carried away with my tears, I kissed our place goodbye and left..

Closing these doors helped give me a sense of peace knowing that there is no door open anymore. Everything has been closed now and now I just have to move forward. I don’t have a choice but to move forward.

I thought I’d be really bent about having to move in with my mom because I’ve just been on my own for so long that it kind of sucks having to go back home. But to be honest, I’m really not that upset. I’m glad to be home and glad to have a loving family. There’s people who don’t even really have family so I really can’t complain. The holidays are around the corner and it’ll be good to spend it with my family. I know my mom wanted me home and always missed me so it’ll be good to be home and helping her out with whatever she needs. I know she feels so awful about this situation and I’ve never seen her so worried for me.. I can tell it’s hard on her because my mom has always known me to be the strongest person and the strongest one in the family but she knows if I cry over anything it’s because I truly am very hurt. It takes a lot for me to cry, it’s not that I don’t like to or want to it’s just that I tend to separate emotions and rationalize things before allowing myself to cry.

I’ll be with my mom for a few months and if I need to stay another year then I’ll stay another year but my goal is to really save as much as possible the next 3 months and try to buy property. After having to move and deal with all this shit and dealing with leaving somewhere I didn’t want to leave, I will never again feel like that. I want to buy my own home so I can do whatever the fuck I want to it and to never be told I have to leave or have rent raised on me. Obviously if I have to rent a condo or something then I will just to have my own space again but the goal at hand right now is to power save and work my ass off double time to make this happen.

I want to thank everyone who’s supported me through all of this and helped me with anything and to mainly stay above water. I love you guys and thank you so much. ♥

“Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here till the moment I’m gone..”

“I sing myself a quite lullaby, let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again..”

The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo

It’s 2:18am and I’m sitting in front of my computer in pain from getting my side tattooed on Sunday. Figured I’d get on here and fill you guys in on what’s been going on with me and my mindset as of lately. To be so honest it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be getting my side tattooed. I think that it was more of having self control over my thoughts and focusing on the different…

Super Flower Blood Moon

It’s 4am and I’m laying in bed listening to Briston Maroney-Freaking out on the interstate. This song makes me sad because it reminds me of someone/growing up and the park I would always go to. Just the tune of the song and the lyrics. “You got a lot on your and your heart it looks just like mine. It’s no use in wasting your time anymore. I’m sorry I, haven’t been myself somethings got me down…

It’s been an exhausting 3 weeks. I’ve been slammed at work, emotionally drained, in hermit mode and I am O-K with it. I don’t give myself enough time to feel things. I just keep moving and doing shit without realizing I need to take care of myself and be good to myself. So I’ve been shopping and saving (I know, that doesn’t make sense but it does in my head lol) and just minding my business.…

Straight Outta My 20’s

It’s Monday January 26th and I’m currently at a coffee shop called Makers and Finders here in Vegas. It’s freezing outside and it has been snowing and raining in Vegas all day. It’s hard to even type right now because my hands are so cold. It doesn’t help that I’m sitting next to the window which is even colder but I love the cold. I could be freezing my ass off and still be fine. I mean hell I…

Via Google: “Spiritually, the Pink Moon always signifies rebirth and renewal. After a long winter, the resurgence of the color pink is a revitalizing dose of beauty and joy. It serves as a reminder that life is a set of ups and downs, a cycle of hibernation and reawakening.

  Yesterday (April 7th) was the start of our pink super moon aka the brightest moon we’ll have this year. It was so gorgeous yesterday that I was able to see the pink hue from my part of town when it was rising. It was so gorgeous that I went to Red Rock around 11:30pm to get a closer look at it. I was out there alone laying on the hood of my car listening to my music and just focusing on my intentions. The moon was so fucking clear that I felt like I had another pair of glasses on.

As of the past 2 years I’ve felt this strange connection with the moon and I feel it more so when I go to Red Rock. The feeling I get when I go to Red Rock to visit the moon is like when you’re a child and you’ve had a bad day and just want to cry and so you go to your parents to let it all out and get some answers and hugs. The moon has a strange way of pulling out my emotions and allowing me to release what I need to and ask for the things I want. I feel it embraces me.

When I was driving home around 12:30am there were about 6 SUV cops all huddled at the stoplight right before you get to Red Rock. I have no idea why they were there but I’m pretty sure they were either stopping people from going to Red Rock or asking if people were driving to Pahrump or something of the sort. Crazy how we have so much restriction right now.

Anyways

It has been pretty cloudy lately that it doesn’t even feel like being in Vegas. All I can think about is how locusts might return again the way they did last year. At least this time no one will be out and about to be terrorized by the fucking things.

My allergies have been terrible and this virus comes at such a bad time because you can’t sneeze or cough around people right now without everyone scattering like roaches.

I just took my allergy medicine that I hate taking it because it dries me out completely. I always have to drink so much water and sometimes wake up with a dry throat that makes me think I got the ronez.

It’s been exactly 3 weeks that Nevada has been into its shut down and so far I’ve managed to: Clean and organize my room, shop online for shit I don’t need, drink, read, dance in my underwear all. fucking. day, drink, take selfies, and drink some more.

I think that during the beginning of my quarantine I was going a bit nuts because I was thinking about it a little too much. I’m used to going to bars and restaurants whenever I want at whatever time I want. Since I can’t do all the things I normally do, it’s forcing me to do the things I always wanted to get around to doing. I have the free time now but I’m also reminding myself that it’s also ok to just play on the computer and just relax.

I went as far as ordering an electric guitar and I’ve been watching youtube videos on how to play. Maybe playing guitar is something I should be doing to relieve stress? I’ve just always held myself back because I never had time to play or had anyone to show me how to play. Now just seems like the perfect time to teach myself and just jump into playing.

I’ve been off work now for a month.. I fucking miss my friends/co-workers. Now I’m just chillin like a motha fuckin villain. I can’t do shit to change the situation and things could be a lot worse so I’ve just accepted it for what it is. This situation has fucked up my sleeping schedule completely. I have been going to bed at like 5-6am every night lol. I woke up my nephew today and told him to open his blinds and so he opens them and I was like you realize that it’s 3 in the afternoon right? He straight-up covers himself with his blanket and goes “Yup and?” because he knows we ain’t going to do shit today so I couldn’t even be mad lol.

I’ve enjoyed this time off so I’m not going to complain. I doubt I’ll ever get to rest like this again in my life and it makes me really happy that my mom is resting more. My mom is who I’ve been the most concerned for when it comes to this virus since she’s older but the fact that she’s been resting and just sitting down more instead of constantly doing shit, makes me happy. I’m still in disbelief with how contagious this virus is and how rapidly it’s spreading throughout the world.

It’s just shocking how life was totally normal one day and then the following day I’m moving my things out of the salon and being told to stay inside because of a virus sweeping the nation. How did we go from 0-1000 in 5 seconds?

When I was in Canada it hadn’t even touched Montreal yet. I was still careful about everything I did and touched there but it wasn’t as bad as when I got back. I think a day or 2 after I got back from Montreal is when Italy was hit hard and after that I feel is when everything else in the world started to shut down and go crazy like a domino effect. Luckily I didn’t book my trip even a week after I planned on going because otherwise I would have been stuck in Canada! I would of became a citizen and a hooker! lol.

Overall

I hope that if there’s anything you’ve thought of wanting to do, whether it be learning a new craft, painting the house, learning a new language, then I hope you’re utilizing this time to do that.

If you’re someone who never had time to relax because of work or life etc etc. then I hope that you’re opening a bottle of wine and enjoying your time off because you deserve it and the universe thinks so too.

This is no obligation to do or not do during this time because shit is crazy and if you want to spend your time worrying about the world, then you’re more than allowed to worry about the world…. Just do us a favor and have a drink honey.

365 Day Memory Cycles

I really don’t know where to start with writing this.

My head is such a mess these days that I’m for once struggling to find the words on how I feel.

I’m in disbelief that it has already been a year since Nick passed. I really feel like I’ve stood still in time with the whole situation. It’s a crazy crazy feeling to really think that 365 days have really gone by. This past week has felt like…