#brendiary

Like... One of our housemates has a strong comorbidity between OCD and ADHD that causes her to live in a cycle of impulse and self-abuse and it took about 7 months of weekly conversations for us to convince her to get herself a bed frame. But it's taking even longer to convince her to get a rail for her clothing. (her clothes are in piles in the living room which is horribly overwhelming and causes things to get lost constantly)

And the thing is, you can't just confront someone abt self-sabotage or they'll double down on it. So we have to use more subtle methods to teach her how to allow herself basic comforts in life.

And we know enough abt her traumas to understand where it all comes from. It's difficult stuff that isn't her fault.

On one hand, it drives us insane bc her bad habits are extremely triggering. On the other, every time she makes a change for the better we feel proud of her.

Still, it's shocking how much help she needs. She's got a degree and a good job in her field, but still struggles to take care of herself. The amount of neglect that someone has to grow up with to end up like this... It actually is draining to think about.

The fact she got through University with these kinds of mental health struggles is impressive. The fact she landed a good ecologist job is impressive. I just wish she would let herself live in comfort instead of ruining her own life in small but severe ways twice a week.

Especially because it means the house is left in a state that triggers horrible emotional flashbacks in me. The last time I was living in a house that was this messy was when I was in a domestically abusive relationship, trapped in lockdown with an aspiring serial killer who used to make threats with knives and once gave me a serious ribcage injury. I don't need to be reminded of that situation 6 times a week. I don't need to feel deeply vigilant and angry every time I go downstairs to make a meal or something.

We're still focused on helping her bc being constructive is more practical. It's better in the long run to be helpful and to not get too angry. (we make an effort to manage our anger so we don't end up triggering more self-sabotaging from her, because if we act scary or whatever she will take it out on herself)

It's a delicate balance, you know, but when someone else is suffering really badly that means both of us have to adjust to each other's needs. She has to learn to stop sabotaging the household, we have to be patient in our approach so she can learn that.

We're learning to better help people who have grown up neglected, whole she's learning to understand and respect people who have been abused. We're building bridges, really, and building takes effort. She works on herself, finds more comfort with herself and also learns some perspective. We get to understand her, help her, and feel somewhat fulfilled about that.

People like me are naturally inclined to be more aloof and unserious and detached, people like her are more inclined to be self-deprecating and reckless, but we can both help each other to grow in different ways. Sometimes sitting down with her to give an emotional debrief and help her understand her own emotions and needs is enriching for us - it's an opportunity to use our analytical thinking in a helpful way and I'm glad we have the chance to help out.

I won't choose to blame her for the issues she's got; I'll sure as hell give her the advice and the tools she needs to get out of the mess she's in. I'll pass on the things I've learned the hard way so she doesn't have to learn them painfully. That's what found family means for traumatised people.