#brendan steere

The Velocipastor (2018) 🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕

Perhaps the absolute highest cinematic experience one can hope to witness high on a certain strain or stone cold sober in one’s entire lifetime.

This one holds an especially special place in my heart. I’m always proud of classmates and teachers and other folks from my hometown who go on to do amazing things. I knew he was a force to be reckoned with when he played Orin Scrivello, D.D.S. in our high school production of Little Shop of Horrors, and I’m so glad to see his talent and determination produced this fucking gem. Yes, I did just shamelessly brag about having been acquainted with the writer/director/producer/editor in high school. But in all honesty, I’m extremely happy to have known him and to be able to include this absolute MASTERPIECE in my world record attempt.

Father Stewart: So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you.

I love that Doug tells the homeless man he took a vow of poverty and then runs off, no change to give the downtrodden. Then Carol comes by, telling Doug off for being inconsiderate as he runs into her and then she digs some coins out of her purse to hand to the homeless man. I can only speculate, but that definitely feels like some pointed commentary. I love it.

Frankie Mermaid: Now, what’s my name? Carol: Frankie Mermaid. Frankie Mermaid: And why is my name Frankie Mermaid? [Carol mumbles] Frankie Mermaid: Speak up girl, or else I’m gonna give you the fucking boot! Carol: [raises voice] ‘Cause you’re swimmin’ in bitches! Frankie Mermaid: You’re goddamn right!

Frankie Mermaid: Yo, Cherry! If you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you’re doing that sandwich, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now!

Doug Jones: I don't believe you. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I don't transform into one.

Doug Jones: You're a hooker? Carol: And premed/law, but people aren't surprised as much by that one.

Carol: You think I like turning tricks to pay for college? There’s surprisingly little demand for hooker-doctor-lawyers.

Doug Jones: What is it that you'd like to confess? Frankie Mermaid: Oh, geez, I guess we could cover the last... four days? Stole candy from this baby, then I threw the baby in the river - so it couldn't snitch, obviously - then, ah, well, I pimp bitches; I do drugs, sell drugs, murder people - really, you name it, I've done it, padre.

Carol: I don’t know much about God...

Doug Jones: Father Stewart, what if I told you that I was different? Father Stewart: You're not that different. There are plenty of men like that in the church.

Doug Jones: I might be on a mission from God himself! Father Stewart: That's insane, Doug! God does not want people dead! Doug Jones: Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead.

Father Stewart: War is war, and war is hell, and hell never changes.

HOW DIDN’T I NOTICE THAT ALTAIR IS PLAYED BY MUSICIAN VOLTAIRE!? I LISTENED TO SO MUCH OF HIS MUSIC AS A TEENAGER!!! WTF!?!?!?! THIS IS CURRENTLY MY NEW FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS FILM!!! How am I this stupid? How did I not notice this sooner!? I’m a dum-dum. Oh my gods, that makes this movie a thousand times more perfect.

Oh my god... another sort of subtle joke that I’m not sure whether or not it was intentional (It fucking has to be... it just has to) -- there is a ninja called Choi-Min who doesn’t say a word except in a voiceover while he’s ignoring a ninja who’s talking strategy. The ninja talking strategy has Australian accent. When he says “Choi-Min” it sounds like he’s saying “Chime in”, making the name Choi-Min super punny... and I know that’s a small thing, but it made me ridiculously happy that I noticed another thing I hadn’t noticed in this film before.

Doug Jones: Your ancestors are my ancestors!

I love that Carol was dying, but she ends up in a general doctor’s office-looking place rather than a hospital. It cracks me up more than it’s probably meant to.

ESE: 98/100

The VelociPastor will be released on DVD and VOD in August via Wild Eye releasing. The real movie that actually exists will also have a special midnight screening at Texas Frightmare Weekend in Dallas, TX on May 3.

Written and directed by Brendan Steere, the indie horror-comedy stars Gregory James Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Daniel Steere, Yang Jiechang, Jesse Turits, Fernando Pacheco de Castro, and Aurelio Voltaire.

No special features are listed, but you can watch a man of the cloth turn Jurassic in the trailer below.