#breakup posting

gilded lily by cults

tomorrow by minder

why didn't you stop me by mitski

the subway by chappell roan

Grief is sometimes anticipatory and not reactionary,

Like gripping the steering wheel harder,

Before your car wraps around a pole.

Letting go feels like breaking the fingers on a cadaver,

Like shattering a bottle over a tables edge,

Pointed ends turning inward rather than out.

Crying feels like a pointless action,

Only serving to make me dehydrated,

With swollen eyes and a headache.

Yet I shiver all the same,

My body feeling like a leaf,

Against a coastal wind,

Being batted by sea salt,

And assaulted by sand.

I whisper out your name,

Like its a secret I want no one else knowing,

Because you’ll never be as pure,

As when you were in my hands alone,

Not yet known to the others.

Hiding you by tucking you under my ribcage,

Feels like the only option left,

Because you can’t see the road in front of you,

And I can’t keep waiting for you,

To stop living like you’re already dead.

Unknown to you now,

I am leaving offerings in the form of the softest kisses,

Writing my farewell as I trace along your skin,

Mourning these last moments of sleepy morning,

All while attempting to act as if I’m not breaking.

I’m a terrible keeper of secrets,

But I hope that this is something I can keep,

So you can easily move on without me,

And I can drown myself,

In memory.

Even in this moment I give to you,

Hoping that my devotions will be enough to keep you here,

Skin to skin to smooth all my corners,

Your mouth disarming me,

This dagger fall to the ground instead of cutting the cord.

I know it’s inevitable,

But in my desperation for you,

I tell myself lies I don’t believe,

So that my tears don’t stain both of our cheeks,

While we tangle in the dark.

Know that I love you,

In all your dirty and broken,

Despite what I must do for us both—

A flame creeping down twine;

A sister with a pair of scissors;

A deer on the side of the highway;

And end.

five months lost