#brainsoup

He lies to you because he cares for you, Ellie. He skips and dances and never reveal his true intentions for your safety. He hurts and keeps you at bay cause he doesn't know what he would do if you were truly hurt. Of course he cares for you, he keeps you close and protect you from everyone and everything all the time.

This is going to be hard for me. The more I try to think about it, the more I slip into shift. Shift, yeah, that’s what I’ll call it. But I think I gotta tell someone, I think I might be going crazy.

I’ll be standing on a street corner and see something that reminds me of another time, or be laying in bed and the light will be just right, but then again, it’s not. Or sometimes, it happens when I am just sitting here talking to someone, like I am to you. Suddenly it’s like the world drops away, it’s all too familiar but, strange.

I think what it is, is that this, has happened, it’s happened infinite times. This moment occurs in refraction, splitting into millions of possibilities. Like, at any given second millions of universes could happen, choices could be made, but our form of existence is deterministic so we can only see straight lines. But I think maybe it looks more like synapses, branches, vertices.

I think, I could be seeing these moments. Not all the time, but when I do, I get a feeling of deja vu and the blood begins to pump in my ears, it’s happening now, I can feel it. I need to get this out quick before I shift to a place I didn’t write this.

The more I focus on it, the further I fall. I want to see what happens when I let myself lean into that feeling, but I’m scared. It’s like making yourself look under the bed. Like waiting for the needle to plunge into the vein. Like holding your breath underwater, just a moment longer.