I’m standing on a rocking chair wearing nothing but a headlamp.
There’s a jacuzzi with two joints floating in a plastic bag, moving with the jets.
I’ve got a paper cut in the shape of a tarantula.
Confetti is defying gravity, working from the ground to the ceiling.
A strobe light is singing Stevie Wonder in morris code.
The whole house is made out of sourdough bread.
Sometimes I chew candy corn into the shape of thumb tacks to hang posters.
The dog is preparing dinner.
Two gold fish are arguing with one another on the sofa.
Half of a mariachi band is playing video games in the basement.
There’s neon pink mold growing on the walls in the basement.
The smoke detectors are installed wrong.
They’re smoking menthol cigarettes.
My chapstick is completely rolled out, exposed, and laying on the carpet.
We’ve got a zero mice policy here.
Her name is peep and she’s a boa constrictor.
Sometimes she wears a cowboy hat when she’s feeling good.
Quite time is strictly enforced.
The street sweeper comes Monday at midnight.
He stops by for a beer and a shot of tequila.
It’s snowing at the neighbors house.
The car windows are tinted like those eyeglasses that change with the sun.
I can’t find my keys in the bathtub.
There’s a small television in the oven.
It’s baking at 375 degrees.
Approximately 40 minutes or until edges are golden brown.
My coffee is parted like the red sea.
I only drink from the left side.
There’s a lipstick stain on my mug.
Maybe I was confused and used a woman instead of a coaster.
UPS won’t deliver here anymore.
We caught him nibbling on the mailbox.
The address is a prime number with a semi-colon in the middle.
I can dance in a desk chair.
One of the books in the bookshelf opens up a secret door.
The secret room isn’t furnished yet.
We’ve got a baseball bat with a nail through it.
The nail is through the handle end.
It makes it difficult to hit a curve ball.
Someone lost a contact lens while cleaning the ceiling fan.
I found it in a house plant.
The houseplant has 20-20 vision.
I’m thinking about buying something made of metal and hitting it with a stick.
There’s something soothing about ambient industrial noise.
We’re going to the supermarket to get fruit and lottery tickets.
What the fuck did you just read?
What the fuck did I just write?
I folded my brain up and put it in my wallet.
Praying for a pickpocket.
