#bradleysimpson

Damn it, why did I have to fall in love with you? you didn't belong to me then and you would never be mine. I should have built a wall, or at least I should have realized that you had already built one between us from the beginning.

I was blind, I was deaf and also mute. Only if it allowed me a little more time with you.

That day at the lake, you started to play an improvised melody but you were so good with the guitar that it seemed you had rehearsed it a thousand times. “How did you get that?” you asked referring to the scar under the crease of my elbow on my forearm.

“You don't want to know” I shook my head as I laughed. I was embarrassed by the story behind that scar.

“If I wanted to know before, now even more” He smiled mischievously.

“I was 20, had a boyfriend and my first car” I summarized the story but he didn't seem to get it. “What I'm trying to say is that we fucked in my car and I got burned by the car mat because of the rubbing” I said offhandedly, I felt pink flood my cheeks. “I told you you didn't want to know.”

He laughed with his head back and stopped playing that impromptu tune. “That's an amazing story for a scar” he laughed even more.

“I'm amazing, you shouldn't be surprised” I winked at him as I smiled and leaned my body back on my hands on the plaid fabric.

“I'm just amazed at how cool you are” You smiled as you watched me and the whole world disappeared around me. 

You played that tune again but this time mumbling something, I couldn't identify what it was but I liked listening to you humming and playing with your fingers on the strings of that wooden guitar.

Later that day, when we decided to go back home, the car tire got stuck in a muddy hole. We were in the middle of nowhere, we only had each other.

“I swear that mud hole wasn't there when we left the car” He looked at me apologetically.

“It's okay” I laughed and shook my head as I felt the black clouds gather above us. “Let's try to move it before the pit gets any bigger and we can't get it out.” 

“Okay, try to speed it up while I push it from behind” He proposed and I nodded. I rounded your car and climbed into the driver's seat, started the car and prepared to accelerate.

“1... 2... 3...” You pushed the car and I accelerated, I heard the wheel of the vehicle squealing and you complaining, you were yelling something but I didn't hear you until I stopped accelerating. You were asking me to stop.

“What happened? Did I hurt you?” I got out of the car totally pale as paper and scared to death. That's when I saw you, your white shirt totally muddy and covered in mud. The wheel had splashed all the water and mud from the puddle and had smeared it all over you. I laughed like never before in my life when I saw you like that. “Sorry, I didn't hear you” I continued laughing as you brushed some mud off your cheeks and chin.

“I see you didn't” you laughed with me and shook your head. “At least you already emptied the hole and it's out of water” you laughed again. “Let's try it again” 

“Very well” I got back in the car and accelerated when you indicated. The wheel squeaked again but this time the car started to move forward slowly. 

“Turn left!” you shouted and so I did, I immediately turned left. “Put your foot down!” You exclaimed again and before you finished saying it my foot was already stepping on that accelerator as if my life depended on it. A few seconds later it started to rain but the car pulled out of the hole.

“We did it” I exclaimed getting out of the car not caring about the rain. You ran to hug me and I felt my dress get muddy but I didn't care. I loved being in your arms as much as I loved the smell of coffee in the morning.

The rain was getting us wet, we were covered in mud and maybe we would have a cold the next day but that didn't matter. 

“We are a good team” You said with a smile. Words that to this day it pains me to remember. I don't know if you lied or if you just didn't know what it was like to be a team. 

You took my face in your hands and kissed me in the rain, as cliché as a romantic movie I was grateful to live with you. 

“We're getting wet” I murmured against your lips, the taste of your kisses tasted sweet like the wine we shared at the picnic. 

“Let's get in the car then” We walked to the car still with our lips against each other, I couldn't get enough of you and the way your hand rested against my waist made me understand that you needed more too. 

We got into the back of the car and I sat on your lap. Your hands slid one of the straps of my dress under my shoulder and your lips kissed the crook of my neck. 

“Maybe it's my turn to get one of those scars” You smiled running your thumb over that mark on my forearm and your eyes found mine. I knew exactly what you meant and I was more than determined to give it to you. 

I would have given you all of me if I could have.

Maybe your memory of that moment is different from mine, after all our memories are only memories of the memory and not of the original moment, we lose more and more details no matter how much we want to keep it complete.

A couple of days later I saw you in an interview and smiled when I heard your cold voice. At that moment I was drinking lemon tea and had a handkerchief next to me. Only you and I knew how it happened.

It was only 3 months, whatever it was... it didn't take much for me to fall in love with you and I don't know why just one day you decided you didn't want me in your life anymore. There were no explanations. You just stopped responding, for a long time I felt that you at least owed me an explanation. I felt it was the least I deserved but maybe I wasn't important enough for you, maybe you didn't think I deserved an explanation.

I'm not writing this for you, I'm writing it for me. I want to try to understand why the fuck you ended this so abruptly without even saying goodbye. You just walked away! You just walked away and left me wondering what I did wrong.

Today, I finally come to the conclusion that maybe we led very different lives, maybe you felt that I would never understand and that this from the very beginning was meant to be a passing thing and nothing more.

I'm okay with that, I am. Or at least I was until you decided to use my story for one of your damn songs and have everyone link it to your current girlfriend. You used me for a song and never had the decency to write a simple text that said “I'm sorry” It's not that fucking hard! I hate you, I hate you I hate you I hate you for making me love you and then walk away like nothing happened.

I hear she's gentle, I hear she's pretty and reserved. Everything you've always wanted. 

From the bottom of my heart I just want you to be happy, I just want someone to love you like I wanted to.

I use this letter to say goodbye to the part of me that loved you, I use this letter to let you go and move on with my life like you did with yours.

You are now a stranger that I used to know, our thing never happened.

I closed the letter and put it in a cream colored envelope, placed your name on it and put it inside the book I was currently reading. 

I went on with my life without knowing about yours, one month turned into two and two turned into four. I went on with my life. The only thing that connected me to you was Kirstie even though she didn't know we ever met. I never told anyone but my dog and, lucky for me, she's great at keeping secrets.

“Y/n?” Kirstie asked as she watched me fiddle around on her piano.

“Y/n?” I spoke without looking at her.

“You know I usually take books from your bookshelf to read them and then put them back where they belong?” she observed me with detempt.

“Yes, I know that.” I nodded as I lifted my gaze to finally look at her.

“Well... last week I picked up a book that was right at the bottom of your shelf getting dusty to read just because I thought it was interesting and something fell out of it.”

“A divider?” I asked. “Maybe I didn't finish it but you can take it off and use it yourself, no problem.” I added without giving it much thought.

“No...” He sighed deeply. “What fell out of it was some kind of envelope. It had Bradley's name on it and it wasn't sealed.”

Color left my face, I had forgotten about that letter.

“I didn't read it” He continued speaking. “At least not all of it, just the first part.” 

“It's fine” I said without further ado. “And where is it?” 

“I sent it” He mumbled.

“What do you mean you sent it? Who did you send it to?” I asked with confusion.

“To Bradley. I only read the first part and thought it was a letter you forgot to send. I felt he should have it.” The tone in her voice was apologetic, my face telling her that letter was never planned to be sent.

“Fuck, Kirstie” I inhaled deeply. “No one was ever supposed to read that letter, it was just for me” I clarified as I ran my hands through my hair. “When did you send it?” 

“Three days ago” She bit her lip. 

It should have reached him by now.

“No way” I covered my face with my hands. “Damn it” I mumbled. “You know he has a girlfriend, right?” I scolded her.

“I didn't read the letter, y/n. I don't know what happened between you two” She excused herself.

“I know you didn't mean it badly” I sighed ”I never told you what happened between us.” 

“Well?” he asked. “What happened between you two”

“Carpet burn is about me” was all I managed to tell him. “I'm the one with the scar” I stood up. ”I should go.” I grabbed my coat.

“I'm sorry! I didn't mean to cause trouble.” 

“Don't worry, he might not even read it and if he does he won't care, that was a long time ago.” I slipped my coat on. “We're fine.” 

I left her apartment without another word, I needed to be alone, I needed to assimilate that my feelings had been revealed to the world. I got in my car and drove home in the rain. I was so distracted that I arrived on autopilot, I didn't even notice.

I got out of the car and entered the apartment I lived in using the key. I climbed the stairs to the fourth floor and there he was. Soaking wet, his eyes met mine as soon as he realized I was standing in front of him.

“How did you get in?” I asked neutrally.

“I went in with the elderly couple who live just down here. They recognized me and let me come in to wait for you so I wouldn't get wet outside” he stood up.

“You used to come here a lot but that was a long time ago” I played it down. “What are you doing here?” 

“The letter you sent me-”

“I didn't send it to you” I interrupted before he finished speaking. “You weren't supposed to read that letter.”

“Then how?”

“How did you get it?” I interrupted him again ‘Kirstie sent it, she thought that... I don't know what she thought, she sent it without reading it’ I walked past him so I could open the door to my apartment.

“I see...” He nodded and walked in behind me into my apartment. I didn't stop him.

I grabbed a towel from the closet and passed it to him, “dry yourself, you're wringing.”

“Thank you” She dried her hair and a stony silence pervaded the entire apartment. 

“So you read the letter and now what?” sighed I. ”I don't understand what you're doing here.”

“To be honest, I don't. I read the letter and I thought you sent it to me because you wanted to talk to me” He took off his draining jacket and put it on the kitchen counter.

“Well I didn't” I folded my arms. “I only wrote that letter to get it off my chest and bury that damn feeling once and for all.”

“If I remember everything that happened and don't act like it didn't happen, y/n” he stepped forward. “Back then I went through a lot and walked away from all the people I cared about. When everything was better I felt like I had been through too much and it didn't seem fair to just come back into your life just like that.”

“Don't talk like you know it's fair and it's not fair to me. You have no right” The anger I was hiding now took hold of me. “You left, just one day you stopped responding and you cut me out of your life like a used and old item. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I didn't see it that way, I don't know what I was doing.” He took another step forward.

“What you did was spend time with me and treat me like your girlfriend, sleep with me, make me tell you all my secrets and then disappear overnight like a fucking coward. You looked for another girl, pretended nothing happened and then used my fucking story for one of your fucking songs” I took a step back.

His eyes searched for anything to focus on other than me, he looked embarrassed. He couldn't even look at me. But it wasn't just the fact that he had written a song about me, no. There was something else, something else that embarrassed him. He raised his eyes to mine again and then I understood... then I understood.

“You didn't remember” Now it really hurt like hell. “You didn't remember that I was the one who told you that story or did you?” I snorted. ‘Wow... You forgot I was the one with the scar from the rug burn’ I laughed unfunnily. “This just keeps getting better and better.”

“Sorry, you said it in your letter. Memories are the memory of the memory. It was all a blur.” He apologized.

“Fuck you” I denied and felt so much anger inside me that tears welled up in my eyes. “You're such a scumbag.”

“Y/n... I never meant to hurt you” he tried to take my hand.

“What the fuck is your problem” I snapped. “You think you can go through life deluding girls by telling them 'we're a great team' and then just disappear just like that? No, Bradley, you can't do that” I looked at him totally broken, I wanted him to realize what he had done, I wanted him to understand that this was his fault.

“I'm sorry” He apologized again. 

“It doesn't matter” I denied ”What's done is done. Now you can go back to your girlfriend and your precious life and carry on as if this never happened. No one knows about it besides the two of us, after all.”

“I don't have a girlfriend and I don't have a precious life” I saw his eyes crystallize, I had never seen him like this. “She broke up with me.”

I folded my arms and stared at him “I'm sorry for you”

“That's not true” He denied.

“It's true, I'm not sorry” I shrugged. “I'm not your consolation prize I'm not your friend either. You made it very clear that I'm nobody to you.”

“At least you're honest” he laughed lightly. “That's one of the things I always liked about you” He sighed. “I'm sorry I walked away, I'm sorry I didn't contact you. I've regretted it ever since. I just felt like this would never have worked out.”

“We are different, I would have given everything for you and you would have given nothing but crumbs” I wiped away a tear ”No one can give more than they have.”

“I let our differences cloud me. I let my doubts get the better of me and I chose not to come back to you when everything got better. I wanted to spare us both a broken heart but now I see that I was a complete idiot and all I did was ghosted you and pushed a wonderful girl out of my life just out of fear”

“I'm not going back to you” I denied ”If you hadn't read that letter you never would have come back to get me.”

“I thought it had been easy for you, I thought you had considered it something passing and ephemeral. When I read that letter I realized that it had meant as much to me as it did to you and neither of us knew how to say it. I put up a wall and pushed you away before I gave you a chance to hurt me. I have trust issues and I projected them onto you. I apologize a thousand times for that.”

“It hurts me that it took so long for you to realize that” I sighed ‘But you're always going to see me like that, a fan you had a fling with and nothing more’ I inhaled ”And I don't want to be that, I'm more than just that. Brad. I'm so much more.”

“You are so much more, I know you are. It was me who didn't see it because I was blind and ignored what was in front of me” He took my face in his hands ‘Please, I'm sorry’ He pleaded.

“I am not what you are looking for” I denied ”I don't think I am what you want and I am afraid to stay knowing that but I am afraid to leave knowing that I may not be happy with someone that I don't love as much as I loved you”

“I only ask you to try, I only ask you to let me into your life again. Officially and not on the sly. I want to get to know you, I want this to be real tear down the walls that separate me from you.”

“That will need a lot of work” I sighed.

“I've never liked easy” He smiled.

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PLAYLIST:

Heaven in hiding

CHAPTERS:

Prologue