#bpdhex

so, i’m not normally inclined to write a post like this, but i’m feeling really...off. i’ve always had this “natural intuition,” but as each year passes it seems to fade. it’s hard to distinguish between my “intuition” and my paranoia that accompanies the illnesses i have. i’ve gotten better at keeping the two apart—at least, most of the time. the two do feel different enough that, although dealing with paranoia is never fun, i can usually work through it and tell myself, “these things aren’t really happening. this fear is irrational.” 

last night, though was...honestly terrifying. on saturday, february 25, i began having a severe amount of pain. this isn’t strange in and of itself—i’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, so i figured it was just an extraordinarily intense flareup. by the end of the night, i was literally writhing in pain, and somewhere in this fog, i thought, “this isn’t right.” i had visited a metaphysical convention earlier that day and i literally wondered if maybe one of the psychics i didn’t get a reading from was pissed at me or something. (she was really pushy, i got a weird vibe from her, and i couldn’t afford the 80 dollar reading.) immediately, i started telling myself i was just being paranoid.

fast forward to the evening of sunday, february 26. i was doing some homework, but it was getting late and i decided to go to bed. out of nowhere, i was hit with this overpowering feeling of badness. wrongness. something was fucking wrong. i pushed it out of my mind and went into my bedroom. the feeling persisted. i didn’t feel safe...i felt something enter my apartment. it was just this giant, black shape. i felt it hanging over me in the bedroom, and i just lost it. i ran into the bathroom and it followed me, hovering over my right shoulder. i kept telling myself that this was just some sort of symptom, but i hadn’t felt this much terror in years. i wanted to believe it was irrational, i was too stressed from school, this feeling of being watched is, no, not a good thing, not “normal,” but something i’ve dealt with throughout my life because of ptsd. but i couldn’t ignore it. this was different. 

i finally told my partner that something was up—we needed to cleanse the space now. he grabbed the sage and i hurriedly threw together a satchel of lavender, a bay leaf, and an amethyst, and just closed my eyes and held it for a bit until i felt more calm. however, i immediately had another barrage of negativity, feeling guilty that i wasn’t “good enough,” i wasn’t a real witch, i was pathetic and could never be “whole” because of chronic illness: just every goddamn bad feeling and thought was being thrown at me. it’s something i’m used to, but not to this degree. this was amplified, like someone or something was preying on all my weaknesses and using them against me. it honestly felt like a straight up attack.

i went to bed not knowing if i was having some sort of “episode,” or if something more sinister was actually happening. in the morning i read on facebook that several of my friends had also had uncharacteristically harrowing experiences sunday night. i got to school and only two other students showed up for class—my prof said that someone had gotten into a car accident last night, several students had fallen ill, basically every single person in the class had emailed him sunday evening and said something really bad had suddenly happened. 

he cancelled class, and i drove home wondering if all of these things were just “coincidences,” my brain simply trying to draw correlations between my experience and what had apparently been some horrible experiences of a ton of other people over the weekend. maybe all these other students just needed an excuse to skip class. i don’t know.

other mentally ill witches, empaths, psychics, anyone who might have an idea what is going on, or otherwise not feel as completely drained as i do right now and have an open window into reading the situation—what do you think? this little seed of what i think is intuition is telling me that there was just a monstrously huge decision made that’s going to impact all of our lives. did anyone else have a scary experience over the weekend, or feel overwhelmed by impending, negative energy? is this all in my head? if anyone believes they may have some insight into this, feel free to reply to this post, send me a message on tumblr, or even email me at [email protected] (for some reason i don’t always get notifications for the messages i receive on here).       

Hi everyone! I’ve been swamped with schoolwork, and I apologise for not being active, but thanks to all of you for almost 600 followers! I’m so amazed and grateful.💕 It feels like yesterday that I made this blog, and I’ve been so immensely blessed by each and every one of you. 

School is actually what’s made me log onto Tumblr again. (And no, unfortunately not because I’m procrastinating...😂 ) One of my Anthropology courses requires me to complete some interviews on a topic of my choosing. I’ve met some truly wonderful people on here, and I would love to give you the chance to tell me a little about yourselves! 

Here are a few things to know:

the interviews won’t be long, only about 20 minutes

we’ll need to be able to skype

consent forms will be sent via email

you get to tell me a little bit about yourself, your practices, and your beliefs! 

must be 18+ (for legal informed consent reasons)

🔮 Don’t be afraid to contact me if you’re unsure of the requirements—chances are, you meet them!🔮

You can identify as a witch, wiccan, or any other type of pagan! If you’re interested and want to set up an interview or just ask for more details, please email me at [email protected]

hello everyone, just real quick before I head to bed— firstly, you are all amazing! i’m absolutely blown away by the all the positive responses i've gotten to my project!

secondly, my entire being is slowly imploding from all my anthropology schoolwork, aaaaaa

i've had a ton of assignments due just the past few days, and i do apologise for asking you to contact me and then falling silent. SO, if you've sent me an email about the interviews and haven't heard back yet, don't worry!! it was my mistake to not anticipate such a great response! 💌