#bowndling

http://www.bowndling.com/journal/hardangervidda-norwegian-trail-running - 

I had a great meeting today with Grant McCracken, a good friend and colleague. He was interviewing me for a project he's doing and suggested I should do more in the way of logging my story of launching a start up. And he's right. 

9 months ago I left my job as an advertising strategist to set up Bowndling. The idea had been percolating for well over a year and it wouldn't go away. It kept me awake at night. So, I did it. I quit my job, registered the company name, the URLs, staked my claim on social media et voila, STARTUP. But a lot has happened, and it has been extremely painful at times. But I've also learned more in 9 months of this than I did in nearly 10 years consulting and strategy work. 

I don't look on consultants with any kind of scorn, but when I can't get the right material delivered on time, I honestly don't give a shit about brand vision. Well, I do, but the vision is so much more than those words on paper - if we didn't have it I probably wouldn't be able to stick it out through all of this, but when it comes down to it, making stuff is a lot harder than I could have ever expected. 

And then it comes to investors: Investors are awesome. But I think the main thing I've learned is how all the pieces of the business fit together financially. You get scrappy. You pull £1000 from this and add it to that a dozen times a day. Excel is magic, and so are accountants. It's all just problem solving with different tools. 

I've never been so organised in my entire life. And never have I felt like more was so out of control. 

There is no social life. I think my whole life until now I've been *maybe* in 2nd gear (all the while thinking I was so super busy). It's nothing I'm proud of, but my priorities have massively shifted. Nothing else matters any more. I cannot get sick. I cannot have a massive hangover. I cannot disappear for weeks on end. I cannot even lose those precious morning hours of emailing with manufacturers who operate a few hours before us on a different time zone. I run when I can. I ride when I can. I enjoy the moment a lot more. I'm finally in some sort of zen "now" that lets me appreciate even sitting in the sun over lunch when I have the opportunity.

Coffee comes in a thermos from home, so does water and often lunches too. I'm poor as a mouse. But Ebay is AWESOME (mind the fees, they're fucker) and I've pared my life's possessions down to almost nothing. And yet I've still got plenty. Fashion doesn't matter anymore because we're making our own. Weeks have gone by living on tuna and rice when the cash runs dry. 

I'm also learning crazy things like that there are trends in boob shape. A good friend of mine who creative directs at Victoria Secret met up with me when we first started talking about swimwear and he told me boobs are starting to become a more natural "drop" shape rather than the 00's wonderbra perky. People want to look natural. I find this fascinating. 

Also I've learned I'm an absolute disaster in fabric fairs. DO NOT BUY FABRIC UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW WHAT IT IS FOR. I'm now sitting on bolts of sample material I don't know if we'll ever use - and frankly, I could really use that money right now. But at least we'll be able to sample product for years to come in, well, very nice wools. 

Everything feels like a massive failure. I've tried not to burn too many bridges, but even friendships become hard.

I constantly wake up at 3am in a panic. I look on instagram and with some certainty I will almost always stumble across some new activewear brand (they're a dime a dozen) who I think might be trying to do something similar to us (they're always a million miles off) but by the time I realise there's nothing to worry about I'm wide awake and cannot get all the lists out of my head. Too much to do. Launch dates approaching. 

There is no big moral here. I just have to keep moving. Fuck your vision, just know why you're doing it and keep moving forward. Find the money. Find the time. Find the people. Find the courage. Fuck the tears. Let go of the peripheral bullshit that takes up so much energy - like guilt. If someone tries to guilt you into not taking it so seriously, or if they behave like it's no big deal.... ignore them. The true friends know it's important and will do anything to help, and you learn they're some of the most amazing and generous people in the world. The rest will either be there at the end or they won't. 

The highs are very high. But the lows are very low. I've found myself sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor once, but it thickened my skin and it hasn't happened since.