#bottom stuff

Ah anon, you’re probably asking the wrong NB chap here, as I don’t like being penetrated, also, but I’ll give it my best shot.

Like anything in sex, sometimes we have to examine our aversions and settle with them. If you truly end up just not liking penetration, that’s okay! Fantasy is not always reality. Sometimes we enjoy envisioning things that are sexy and our bodies tell us ‘nah’ when we try, and that’s okay. I know some people who felt that way about anal when they tried it, or oral, or being tied up, etc.

But, that being said, sometimes there’s just a bad experience blocking you, or perhaps a new approach would work better. Is it that you don’t like deep penetration, or maybe is it that you haven’t had deep enough? Maybe you like to be stimulated a lot first, or maybe you need some extra time and some lube. All of this is experimental and you have to ask yourself a lot of questions and play around, because you need to figure out if it’s that you don’t know how to pleasure yourself this way, or is it really that you don’t enjoy it? And if it’s not fitting your fantasy, that’s okay, because nothing exactly will, but also, it’s okay if that makes you want to stop. Experiments do have results that aren’t always what we want, sometimes!

Buuut, pun intended, don’t leave everything out. You could enjoy anal penetration instead of vaginal! Or, vice versa! A lot of this you won’t really know until you get horny enough to try, but do take your time, use lube, and be careful and kind to your body while you do it. Remember, it’s supposed to be self love. And that means don’t get frustrated, just focus on what you do enjoy. And do that! There’s nothing wrong with making yourself feel good in the way that feels the best, even if it’s maybe not what your fantasy wanted.

Hi, here you are! You did send me this ask a while ago, and I’m sorry. I am usually just trying to be responsible about how I frame my responses since I know a lot of folks take what I say firmly to heart and that matters to me....but then sometimes I get stoned and forget about that intent and the ask entirely.

Firstly, let’s talk about bottom dysphoria and thank you for bringing this up so we can address it— we need to speak about how it is not inherently ‘feminine’ to receive pleasure or become submissive. These are not ‘non masculine’ traits—these are just things we do as silly hairless apes trying to touch each other’s naughty bits! I know that is hard to internalize, though, because Society, for one, and Conditioning, for another, and the combination of the two is lethal to most folks, not just trans folks. Everyone experiences the loss of self when society waggles it’s weird collective finger at what we find pleasurable. It’s not okay. We have to find a way to say ‘hey fuck you’ to that finger waggling, and also to that voice inside that may speak on behalf of that conditioning—because neither has your best interests at heart. You know who you are. Don’t go to the dark place where someone yells at you that you’re wrong. You know what light is, and light is not a lie.

That applies to sex just as much as it does anything else, and I hope you all know I’m saying it to all of you.

When it comes to bottoming as a masc person, I would lovingly and warmly invite you to take a look at how cis gay men have treated it for centuries—it’s hot. Gay men have a great approach to bottoming, and it’s safer to draw our masculinity from our own community than it is from the heterosexual one, wouldn’t you agree? Look at all the freedom you see in 70s heavy leather art—Tom of Finland was truly on some shit, my dude. He understood maleness in a way that transcends beyond gender sometimes, and sometimes just absolutely wallows in it. BDSM erotica in our community was a freedom to Be that was beyond a pride flag, and beyond a coveted status in the white wide world. It was Us. You can find that same freedom! But look within, and not without! Look at our history, our culture. It’s not their way, it’s Ours. You can be a sexy masc bottom in this culture, oh my god, can you ever. You need to see and believe and experience that truth, because it’s all around you. There are sexy trans masc bottom boys on Tumblr! Go find and follow them and begin to feel like you can copy what they do, at first, until you start to find your own feet with it. It’s just like anything—you have to practice it. Take a strap that you like and focus on packing with it while jerking off. It doesn’t have to come naturally at first. That doesn’t make you a failure. It just takes trial and error until one time you’re like OH and it clicks. That’s all there is to it.

@big-bird-nerd ngl my jaw dropped like that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me

We at Bottoms for a Better Tomorrow thank you for your kind comments. Someone’s got to bottom, and pretend that Tops do anything.