#bot scripts

ELIOT Everything is going to kill me

TURK Hey i'm just saying that her shoulders were there and you know it 4

JD can't you just tell me how to kiss my lady? My lady is the eel i bought from the narcoleptic. 5

CARLA bambi you're married to the job but you should be engaged to doctor riviera 16

STAGE DIRECTION A car crashes into a j.d. but it is not the j.d. that matters 2

STAGE DIRECTION Dr. Cox walks through the window, knocking the confused patient on the head. He presses a button and turns into j.d.. elliot runs in and scurries behind the hospital bed. J.d. ignores elliot because the room is now full of kissing ostriches 3

STAGE DIRECTION J.d. Nurses the new mother while turk is explaining fingers to a confused dr. Kelso 4

TURK Say it was my idea okay j.d.? tell dr cox that i was the one who bit the minivans in the parking lot.

JD NARRATION Man standing in the corner's my favorite thing. Just be subtle and quiet and project an image of a cool guy who's gonna look stunning. 7

DR. COX Look newbie, You look ridiculous talking about anything. Better get ready to run away from me while i eat cupcakes and demonstrate how to have painfully evocative sex. 8

JD And that's when i realized.... Everything about my new black machine... It was a huge mistake

JD NARRATION sometimes when the stakes are high you can accidentally miss the right tambourine jam and end up permanently stuck in the " enhanced smoothies zone "

Elliot I'm not sure turk's arm is ok. It looks like rope stuffed into a freshly built robot. Turk you're not going anywhere until we fix it so you can laugh again.

DR. COX You're not invited to my muscle room.

THE TODD The todd appreciates hot dogs on the couch and party wedges for his uncle bernie. 6

CARLA Elliot you're not really a baby okay? you think the nurses will forgive you for having a little sexy brunch in the emergency room? 2

JD The patient presented an acute thomrobotic thrombocytopenic purpura doctor cox, can i use that magnetic image of you for inspiration?

Janitor You're a quack smudge on these lockers called life, no one in the middle of a busy day would like you and i don't either. 6

JD's Narration I knew i could always count on life support to keep a patient from getting too serious. 9

DR. COX You and I need to talk about your gigantic diaper problem. 19

JD You are sick so I decided to grab a beer with your family and watch what you do. Eggs are the new medication I'm trying on your liver and so far I feel very alive.

JD Oh no! I think the janitor's pretending to be a kidney donor. We need to stop the machine.

DR. COX Okay newbie, prostate cancer's a reason for getting surgery. Now, what's a reason for getting surgery?

DR. COX Hey hey hey hey Kelso i have a plan: vomit in my eyes. I'm going to stand here. Go!

ELLIOT Ohh so how did you enjoy the pancakes? Because i broke the rules and put a little something something in there. You know. Malaria.

STAGE DIRECTION Dr. Kelso turns off the light. Turk comes out of the elevator and finds him in the dark. The camera zooms in on Dr. Kelso, who dabs.

STAGE DIRECTION Dr. Cox stands behind Carla and takes a bite of her face. Disturbingly, J.D. and Turk are in line for the same.

JD NARRATION A doctor does nice things. One thing is to carry money all the time and make a patient look at it.

TURK Yeah dude, i'm a little baby. Sorry i ripped your nightmare in half, okay?

DR. COX honestly i can't believe you didn't know what surgery you were doing. Oh my god i am tempted to wrap ya around a baseball until your ass cheeks clench up forever.

JD NARRATION The best part of being a doctor is your janitor is god.

STAGE DIRECTION J.d. leaves the operating table as the room collapses. He takes a sip of his pocket wine and oddly plays dolls.

ELLIOT Just go to the bathroom and find some aloe. I'll go get the scalpel. Oh my god, this is so great. I'm a doctor!

DR. COX Relax, newbie. You know I'm not going to let him get a vasectomy. Hell, I don't even know how to do it.

DR. COX Intestinal bleeding is so damn good. I mean, my god, I just want to have it! Huuuuah!

JD NARRATION It's weird realizing that you love your son. I don't love your son. I love Animal Planet.

STAGE DIRECTION J.D. leaves to cut a patient. Indiana Jones springs off the couch and runs around like a stud. Elliot laughs and throws food to him. 5

PATIENT I'm going to eat those corpses! Hey, doc, I'm going to eat those corpses. You want to go to the basement and eat those corpses?

PATIENT You know how boys wanna have sex with me? Ohhhhh you know. I've got hypertension and a Denver omelet.

TURK No more sex, baby! I'm a heterosexual, but i'm a surgeon.

TURK The first incision and I'm slicing off that head! Hey okay, I know the rules. Get a knife and do the best surgeon stuff that you can!

CARLA It's not like you to administer halidol at the zoo, Turk. How are you doing? You wanna go get some restaurant wine?

CARLA A lot of married couples have to go to the cemetery to have sex. It's not a big deal.

JD NARRATION Sometimes you have to break a patient to help yourself. It's funny how a bunch of doctors don't know that.

ELLIOT My mom says therapy is for people who screwed up on the t.v. and then lied to my dad about it.

PATIENT The doctor prescribed chipmunk therapy but I'm worried i'll become a hollywood movie star and leave my two brothers in the morgue

JD You guys! I just messed up Dr. Cox. He's bleeding out. You're welcome.

PATIENT Does that chart tell you that my mom hated the ocean? nurse!? Does it say where my little brother got his nachos at???