#borderline partner

friends and lovers.

but that was at 5 PM.

and the evening got better, to the point where, while I'm confused about what we are, I'm allowing for the possibility that we're still okay as committed partners.

Borderlines start out with an attachment disorder. But on top of that something else happens. Somehow they think to understand that their parents don’t really love them. And that must mean they are awful. Hideous. Disgusting.

They feel it would be better if their true self no longer existed. And that is when they split. They split into two halves: Mind and Feeling. The Feeling hides inside, deep deep deep inside. And it hides because that is the part that is hideous.

The Mind remains behind, alone, in charge of dealing with life, but without his Feeling.

This happens at a very very young age: before the age of 2 1/2. The Mind becomes aware after that and it becomes aware in a status quo. He doesn’t know the Feeling has split off, he doesn’t know he is “just” the Mind, he thinks he is a whole person, and so does everyone else.

The splitting that a borderline does with the black and white is both a clue to the age at which the split between Mind and Feeling took place and a result of the split.

Splitting is a very normal mechanism for young children. They have no sense of time, they only know the NOW and all that they know is that the person with them is leaving them. He has no concept of “coming back” so he despairs: I am being abandoned, and you are awful for abandoning me.

Around the age of 2 1/2 children start to get a concept of time, of “coming back,” of love that stays even when the person giving love is absent. That is when splitting starts to go away.

The very fact that borderlines still see black and white is a clue to when the split between Mind and Feeling happened: before 2 1/2 years of age. Because if it happened AFTER that moment, they would have unlearned splitting.

Now, what happens when the borderline grows older is that his inner Feeling never grows older. It never gets a sense of time, it never acquires the feeling of “object constancy:” that love will stay even when the person leaves.

The result is that the borderline is never safe and secure. But because of the split between Mind and Feeling, the borderline doesn’t know this. It’s the Feeling who feels this, but because there is no longer a connection between Mind and Feeling, the Mind doesn’t know. The Mind tries his best, but doesn’t know what’s ailing him, and nobody else knows either. Everyone, the borderline included, thinks that he is a whole person.

And at the moment that the Feeling, deep deep inside, feels threatened, feels that the other is abandoning him, or that the other is on the verge of discovering the Feeling (both are equally horrifying and must be prevented at all cost), the Feeling takes over. But since the Feeling is only 2 1/2 years old at the most, he only has one way of responding: with rage.

And the Mind is as much surprised as the person at whom the rage is aimed.

<<Laura Hurt's answer to Do people with BPD split on themselves?>>

The borderline can hardly be held responsible for actions that follow from this split. He doesn’t know that he is missing part of himself, he doesn’t know his Feeling is hiding deep inside, and he is not responsible for the Feeling lashing out.

Anything else is personal, and the borderline is as responsible for that as any other person. Decides to stalk and harass an ex? Not borderline, just a plain asshole. Decides to leave current partner after cheating with someone else? Not borderline, just a plain asshole.

So it really depends on what exactly is the issue. I think that too often other people conflate the two things, and that some borderlines hide behind it to escape blame (and that again is personal, not due to borderline).

the relief* from the pain lasted a few hours, but the side effects might last an entire day or two.

maybe we can do something quiet today, like read, if she'd be able. we won't see each other in person until tuesday.

Taken from here (the whole article is worth reading). This all sounds familiar.

Examples of maladaptive beliefs related to an dismissive avoidant attachment style include:

Self-sufficiency: Dismissive-avoidant attachment is characterized by extreme self-sufficiency, independence, and avoidance of relying on others. This stems from a fear of rejection and emotional fragility, leading to a strong need for autonomy as a self-protection mechanism.

Distrust: Avoidant individuals tend to have an underlying belief that other people cannot be trusted or relied upon. They cope with this belief by not depending on others for emotional support and suppressing their need for intimacy. Instead, they may prefer to deal with their problems independently.

Defectiveness: Although they may present as confident, avoidant individuals often hold the belief that they are damaged and unlovable – like something is fundamentally “wrong” with them. Because they do not want others to see their flaws, they avoid any deep emotional connections.

Abandonment: Avoidant individuals tend to believe that when others notice their defectiveness, they will abandon them. Thus, instead of being abandoned, they avoid and abandon others first.

Emotional Suppression: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant style often suppress or dismiss their own emotions and may have difficulty recognizing and expressing their feelings. They believe that emotions are a sign of vulnerability and weakness.

no labels. that's how to proceed in my head if things are always in flux.

I've been reading about mono-poly relationships, and that's helped. it's strange to see myself in a mono role (and that's how I see myself as part of this, an unlabeled "relationship"), as my insistence that I identify as poly was one of the many things that tanked my marriage, but that's how I feel - committed, and okay with long distance and intermittent visits. [n.b., I still do consider myself poly, but I'm not seeking for any other connections for myself at this point.]

there's no cognate form of a poly relationship (reading Thriving in Non-Monogamy An Ethical Slut's Guide: Overcome Jealousy, Enjoy Sex, and Honor Yourself helped, as did Kathy Labriola's post about the pitfalls one might experience with your partner being in different relationships -- even if they're short "relationships") -- everything is unique to the particular situation.

maybe it's all meaningless to her, but not me, I guess. I know that we are about much more than sex, but it's still part of our lives. I don't understand the nature/nurture complexity of my jealousy, I just know that it exists.

I don't want all this thinking to keep bothering me. deal with it, deal with it, deal with it, move on. move on. fuck. I hate my mind.