#bonesxreaderfunny

"I can't sleep." You spat out quickly before you could hiccup. 

"Alright then, let's check you out." Bones took you by your elbow into the medbay and sat you down on an exam table.  

He examined the inside of your throat, asked you a bunch of questions, and listened to your lungs. 

"Well I can't see anything immediately wrong but I can give you something to help you sleep and hopefully the hiccups will be gone tomorrow." Bones shrugged as he put his equipment away. 

You were disappointed with the outcome, but you agreed with him, maybe it was just the hiccups.  So you took the sleep-aid and slunked home.  

The sleep-aid knocked you out for a few hours, but you were awoken by a nasty bout of cough-hiccuping, your throat feeling sore and tingly when you could finally breathe again.  

You knew you should probably go back and see Bones, but you didn't want to bother him again after you had just visited him.  So you decided to stick it out and got ready for work.  

Throughout the day your throat kept feeling weirder and weirder, like every time you hiccuped your throat would rumble, as if in a hum.  You worked on the bridge as a navigation technician, and thankfully your job didn't involve too much talking.  Over time the hiccups began to fade, but it left your throat feeling swollen and sore, and your voice began to become raspy. 

Unfortunately your vow of silence didn't last long as you heard Captain Kirk talking to Scotty about sending Ensign Chekov down to the engineering room to help, and you knew you were his replacement. 

"Lieutenant Y/N, will you replace Mr. Chekov for a while so he can go help Scotty in the engineering room?" Kirk asked, and you pressed your eyes shut in frustration before getting up from your seat and taking Chekov's.  

Now suddenly every breath you took felt and sounded like a hum, and you were very self-conscious about other people hearing.  

"Lieutenant Y/N, what are our coordinates?" Kirk asked and you checked the screen in front of you. 

"500 mark 3, captain." You squeaked, your voice barely audible as you wheezed.  

You felt Pilot Sulu's eyes flick to you in confusion and you could tell Captain Kirk was staring at the back of your head. 

"Are you alright, Lieutenant?" Kirk asked. 

You cleared your throat, which sounded more like a trill, and responded, "Yes."

You immediately slapped your hands over your mouth.  The word had come out of your mouth as if you had sung it, one melodic tone of 'yes'. 

Sulu turned his head to look at you now, amusement sparkling in his eyes.  

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, what was that?" Kirk asked again and your cheeks burned in embarrassment. 

You gulped, the action stinging your throat, and you removed your hands from your mouth tentatively.  

"I'm fine." The syllables flew out of your mouth in a high tune, and now the entire bridge swiveled their chairs to look at you.  

You heard Kirk get up from his captain's chair and walk over to you.  When he stopped in front of your console, resting his arms on top of it, he spoke, "Are you singing?"

You shook your head, "I'm not trying to, sir." You sung unintentionally, and you looked up at him desperately.  

Kirk regarded you with a straight face for a moment, before bursting into laughter.  Your eyes widened at his mocking, and slightly unprofessional, behaviour and your head fell into your hands.  

"No keep talking... I mean singing... hahaha!" Kirk sputtered. 

You shook your head furiously, pressing your fingers over your mouth lest words begin to escape.  

"OH come on, Y/N, sing it to me!!" Kirk encouraged and you couldn't help but roll your eyes at his beaming face and toothy grin. 

"Fine!" You sang, and cleared your throat painfully before continuing, "I don't know why you find this so funny, Captain, there is something wrong with my voice."

The words came out as if you were singing along to inaudible music, the syllables flowing from your mouth at different speeds and different pitches to match the tune.  

Kirk began to roar in laughter again, and you heard scattered chuckles around the bridge.  Now you began to laugh as well, your laughter high and tinkling due to whatever was wrong with your throat, which made you and the crew laugh even harder.  

You didn't even see Kirk on his com until you heard the words, "Bones, you have to come down and see this."

"NO, Captain Kirk, I can go down to the medbay." You trilled and rose from your chair. 

"No way, Lieutenant, you are staying here, this is too damn funny."

You crossed your arms and sat back down in your chair, hard, sulking and pouting at the Captain.  

Sooner than you would have liked Bones came through the lift doors, a black med-kit in his hand.  Kirk greeted him by patting him on the shoulder and saying a few words to him, both their eyes flicking to you.  Your cheeks flamed again and you sat low in your chair, wishing you could disappear.  Bones didn't smile, just looked at you curiously, and Kirk was jumping around like a kid who had too much sugar and he came over and smacked the console in front of you with two hands.

"Sing, Lieutenant, SING!" He demanded cheerfully and you wanted to punch him.

You turned your attention to Bones who looked confused and annoyed as he set his med-kit down by Kirk's chair and stood to your right, his arms crossed, looking impatient.

You took a deep breath in and opened your mouth, silently praying that your voice had returned to normal.  It hadn't.

"Hello there, Bones." You sung, and almost laughed when he raised his eyebrows in bewilderment. 

"What in the..." Bones began but you interrupted, getting out of your chair. 

"I think it has something to do with the hiccups." Your voice was high and soft as you tried to explain.  It pissed you off. 

"Is this some sort of joke?" Bones' brows furrowed and he looked at you and Jim suspiciously. 

"I wish it was." You sang and crossed your arms over your chest. 

Bones turned to Jim, giving him a glare, “Why didn't call me earlier?"

"Awww, come on, Bones, it's funny!" Kirk slapped Bones on the shoulder with a grin.  Bones didn't return the smile. 

"This could be a medical emergency, she could be infected with something..." Bones began, his mind quickly turning to doctor mode as he stalked to his med-kit and pulled out his tricorder. 

"I feel okay..." You tried to reassure the doctor, but when you said "okay" your voice decided to hit a high note and you had to clasp your hand over your mouth to cut it off. 

Bones glared at Kirk who had begun to laugh harder, now doubled over.  

Bones stalked over to you and grabbed you by your elbow, not too gently either, and tugged you in the direction of the turbo-lift.  He mumbled something about getting you to the medbay and "damn it Jim" and the last thing you heard before the lift doors closed behind you was Kirk whining at Bones for taking you away. 

He scanned his tricorder over you in the lift and you just stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to say, or, you guess, sing.  Thankfully he didn't ask you any questions until you got back to the medbay and he sat you down on an exam bed.

"Tell me, Y/N, what are your symptoms." He questioned gruffly, looking down at his PADD rather than at you. 

"Umm... well let's see, I had terrible hiccups, my throat started to really hurt, and, I don't know, now I SING EVERYTHING I SAY!" You responded, your voice never hitting a wrong note, and though you meant to sound angry, it came out as more of a loud melody.  

Bones' lips wavered as if he was suppressing a smile, before frowning deeply, his eyes still on the PADD. 

"Did you eat anything funny, or go anywhere unusual?" 

"Well I just got back from that away mission lead by Spock, maybe I picked something up there?" You serenaded, and his eyes finally met yours, sparkling with amusement. 

"You do have a nice voice." He noted and couldn't hide a cute grin. 

"Shut up. Just fix me." You scolded with two high notes.  

"Now don't go getting all your ballads in a bunch." He was smiling now, pretty much beaming at you, and you couldn't help but smile back.  

"I'm going to killll you!" You threatened.

 "If you do, darlin', there will be no one left to cure you, you will be stuck singing everything.  Forever." Bones teased and tapped the end of the hypo he had just prepared off your chin.  

"That might not be so bad..." You imagined as you sang, Bones applying the hypo to your neck. 

"That feel any better?" He asked, stepping back, but his hand was still rested on your shoulder. 

You cleared your throat, "Testing 1...2... damn!"  You swore as your voice continued to rise and fall to a silent song. 

Bones laughed now, and you couldn't help but smile up at him. 

"Don't worry, darlin', we'll get to the bottom of this, even if it tuns out you need an 'opera'-ation." 

This was going to be a long night. 

You heeded his advice and stayed quiet after that, focusing all your energy into ignoring the pain of your captors armour digging into your stomach, which was pretty easy considering how lightheaded and dizzy you were getting from being carried upside down.   It was getting harder and harder to breathe after every step, so you closed your eyes and focused on breathing, timing your breaths to the steady steps of everyone's walking.  

After what seemed like hours, your captor stopped suddenly, and you slammed your nose into the back of his armour.  Someone pressed into you from behind, forcing your head to turn to the side, and then there were fingers sliding against your neck, which identified them as Leonard's.  He must have been checking your pulse.  

Several words were shouted in a language that sounded complex and full of unknown syllables before you started moving again.  You were starting to feel nauseous when the light around you suddenly changed, and your eyes sprung open for a moment.  You were inside a building.  Finally.  

Being out of the scalding sun felt like jumping into a cold pool, shocking, but it felt so good.  There were several twists and turns as your captors navigated through the building, and you seemed to be going down lower and lower in the building, as it kept getting colder and more damp, making you shiver and you squeezed your eyes shut again.  

Again, you stopped suddenly, followed by the sound of a door creaking open, then your whole world was being flipped upside down.  Or, rather, right-side up.  

You were on your feet for about two seconds before your knees gave out and you dropped to the floor, the whole world tilting to the side and a flip of nausea making you curl into yourself.  Your lungs burned as you sucked in deep breaths, feeling like you were being spun around, even though your eyes were squeezed closed.  

There were a few shuffling footsteps and then the creaking door shut with a slam. 

Oh god, you were going to die, the paralyzing nausea and dizziness making your whole body shake, cough, and you felt hot tears slide down your face. 

Then there were hands on you, pulling at your shoulders and knees to unfurl you. 

"No..." You wheezed and cried out at the same time. 

"Geez, kid, it's just me."

You didn't mean to let out a cry when you heard his voice.  Still, you pressed your burning face into the cool stone ground and curled away from him. 

"Holy hell, they had you upside down for so long." He muttered. "We gotta get you onto your back, sitting up a little, it'll open up your lungs."

You whimpered but allowed him to start to turn you onto your back, each movement making your chest burn and your limbs spasm.  

Before you could realize, Leonard was pulling your back into him, and you found yourself being rested against his folded knees.  He was kneeling behind you, trying to get you to recline against him.  

Once you realized this, you started to help his guiding hands, straightening out your tense limbs and relaxing back against him.  Your breathing was still fast and laboured, even as you rested your head back against his shoulder, feeling the roughness of his stubble rub against your temple as he tried to arrange you better.  

"There you go..." His tone was almost soothing as he loosely looped his arms around your middle, careful not to impede your breathing, but trying to keep you in place.  "Breathe with me, darlin'."

Your lungs were burning less and less with each breath, and you started to feel the blood drain from your face.  You timed your breathing with his, focusing on the feeling of his chest moving against your back, steady and true. 

A cool draft dried the tears on your cheeks quickly and were now giving you a chill.  Only when you reached up to wipe them away did you realize that you had a tight grip on Leonard's arms that were crossed over you, fingertips digging into the skin of his forearms.  

"Sorry." You mumbled, lessening your hold but keeping one hand resting on his, the other pushing away the tears and pinching at the bridge of your nose.  

He didn't respond but just continued to hold you, and you knew he was assessing you, feeling for your breathing that was slowing, your muscles that were relaxing.  Finally you were able to open your eyes. 

The room you were in was dim, a dark stone floor that was reflecting the only source of light, a small window at the far end of the room.  You were in a cell, you quickly realized, thick metal bars surrounding you and separating you from adjacent cells.  There was no one else in the room, and there were probably 4 or 5 cells, each about eight feet by eight feet across.  

"How're you feeling?" Leonard words brushed across the top of your head, and one of his hands came up to press against the skin of your neck, checking your pulse again. 

"Just peachy." You wheezed, sitting up a little and pushing off his thighs to bend forward.  

The world spun again for a moment, but with a few hard blinks and deep breaths, and a warm hand pressing between your shoulder blades, you were centered. 

Bending your knees in front of you, you rested your forearms on your thighs for balance and lifted your head, looking around again. 

"This is bad, isn't it?" You said, taking in your dim surroundings once more. 

"It sure ain't good." Leonard shifted to sit beside you, his hand leaving a cool patch on your back. 

You looked over to him, finding his eyes already on you, and you pursed your lips and shrugged. "Well fuck."

"So, do you always cradle your patients when they can't breathe, or should I consider myself special?" You asked after a few minutes, flashing him a cheeky smile, but his eyes were on the ground. 

He huffed a laugh as he played with a chip of stone by his foot. "I would have preferred a tricorder, or an oxygen mask, or an actual DAMN BED." He snapped, but exhaled before continuing, turning his head to you as he spoke, "But sometimes we just gotta make do."

You sat in silence for a while before you took to stretching out your limbs, attempting to move over to the side of the cell, to rest against the bars.  But a sharp aching pain in your abdomen stopped you. 

Wincing, you curled forwards over your abdomen and let out a stream of curse words. 

"You okay, kid?" Leonard asked from his spot on the floor. 

"My stomach..." You hissed, rolling onto your side and then slowly flat on your back. "I think it's from the armour, will you take a look at it for me?"

He gave a grunt of acknowledgement and you heard him slide closer to you on the floor.  Before you could pull the hem of your shirt up, his fingers were already hoisting the material up to right under your breasts.  You were embarrassed for about 2 seconds before you saw your abdomen.  There was a large red, swollen area over your entire stomach, an even darker red circle just to the right of your belly button.  That's where the armour must have been digging in the most.  Parts were even already starting to look purple.  

You craned your neck to get a better look, which made you involuntarily flex your abs, sending another shock of pain though you, and you groaned and collapsed backwards on the floor. 

"Well that's gonna bruise in the morning." Leonard grumbled.

"No shit, sherlock." You snarked, fisting your hands in your hair. 

He examined you first, before placing a hand on either side of your waist and brushing the edges of the abrasion with his thumbs gently.  You shivered involuntarily at the feeling of his large warm hands on your skin, welcoming the momentary distraction from the pain. 

"I'm just going to press on it gently, and you let me know if you feel any pain other than a dull ache.  Tell me if there is any sharp pain." He instructed, and you whined at the thought of him pressing on it. "If there's any sharp pain, it could mean you're internally bleeding, so lets hope for the latter."

"How charming."

He gave you a side-eye before starting to press gently on your stomach.  The initial few touches made you wince, but once you got used to the ache, you relaxed a little. 

As he was pressing down on your stomach, you took to thinking about how you ended up here.  Scrunching your nose up in confusion, you asked, "So how exactly did I end up thrown over someone's shoulder like a wet noodle over a fork?"

Leonard stopped moving his hands and looked over at you. "You don't remember?" 

You relaxed your face and chewed on your lip. "No, not really.  I remember waking up in the middle of the forest, and then the next thing I can recall is being upside down."

His eyes scanned your face in concern, and he pressed his lips together in a frown. "'t's probably from whatever damn drug they injected you with."

"They injected me?"

Leonard continued pressing on your stomach, so you were left looking at the profile of his face, wrought with concentration. 

"Yeah," He breathed, "When I found you, they had turned you into a human dart board, one sticking out of the back of your leg, which I should also take a look at..." He trailed off. 

"Then what happened?" You prompted, sucking in a breath as he pressed on the center of your bruise. 

"Then they all popped out of the forest like jack-in-a-boxes and swarmed us.  They threw you over a shoulder and shouted at me to follow."

You shook your head, dumbfounded that all this had happened and you couldn't remember it.  "You shouldn't have come after me." 

His hands stopped, having reached the end of your bruise, and he sat back on his heels, crossing his arms over his chest. "You screamed, Y/N!  What was I supposed to do?"

You sat up abruptly, ignoring the pain in your abdomen, and pulled down your shirt roughly. "I don't know, run in the opposite direction?"

He huffed and stood, pacing over to the other side of the cell, muttering something under his breath that sounded like; 'impossible' and 'so damn stubborn'. 

You scowled at his back from your corner and mirrored his posture, crossing your arms over your chest. 

He turned back to you eventually, one hand resting on his chin, the elbow resting on the wrist of the arm still crossed over his chest. 

"What're you thinking?" You asked softly, the anger and fear you felt previously retreating a bit. 

"I am thinking of all the ways in which we are going to die down here.  Starvation, dehydration, infection, hypothermia, internal bleeding..." He gestured to you for the last one.

"Alright, Dr. Optomist, let's keep the fortune telling to a minimum." You shifted, trying to get in a comfortable position. 

He didn't seem to hear you, and you could almost see his mind working as he frown deepened. "Dehydration will probably take us quickest," He whispered under his breath, "especially if they don't give us any water.  We could-"

You interrupted him, "Let me stop you right there." That seemed to snap him out of it and he dropped his hand from his mouth. "First things first.  I am not drinking my own pee."

He blinked twice before his eyes seemed to soften around the edges, and his shoulders relaxed a little.  You felt yourself relaxing too, and even felt a smile pulling at your own lips as you continued softly, "I don't care what the survival experts say."

His lips pressed together before the corners of his mouth pulled upwards into a half-smile.  It was the first real smile you'd seen of Leonard's this whole time. 

"Also, we need to set some ground rules about bathroom privileges." You said, gesturing to the hole in the far wall that you assumed was for 'doing your business'. 

Leonard followed your gaze, matching your grimace of disgust as he turned back towards you. 

This was not going to be fun. 

-Thanks for reading!  I hope you liked it!-

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