#body image problems

“I don’t know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I’d like to.” " You are worth a great deal to me, no matter what you're going through. I care about you. Deeply" "This…this is nice!”

The conversation was not many days ago. Astarion revealed his true feelings towards the Bard, or maybe some lies about his behavior, but to reveal true feelings at the end. Feelings he seemed to get caught by surprised. He catched them like a cold, at least he sounded while his confession.

But Saulus understood his message. His words did not really matter to convince her, alone the true sound of his voice was enough for her to understand. He never had spoken to her like that before.

Astarion wanted them to be something real and Saulus wanted to give him time, space and respect for his body. Taking the steps back, they made to fast in the first place. She liked Astarion, not his figure or their nightly trysts.

„Is it really okay with you that we kiss?”, asked the Tiefling concerned after parting her lips from Astarion’s.

“I said that I want to take things slow and abstain from Sex, not that we are strangers to each other from now on”, clarified the elf.

He pulled her down on the sleeping roll in his tent.

“I am not made of porcelain, even when I am looking so beautiful like that”, he purred and kissed her again.

Their bodies lay cautiously together and the bard let herself in for a kiss again.

Her arms held Astarion tight while her lips explored his ever more firmly.

The vampire became a little heavier on her, she felt his body weighing on hers.

In a pleasant way.

She heard his breathing and her own sighs between kisses.

His hand lay at the skin of her side, dancing up to her rib cage like a wisp of the wind. Her skin tingled when feeling his own.

The hint of a touch of his fingers at the base of her breasts under the light sleeping fabric.

She wanted to feel Astarion, so much to feel his touch. His hands on her breasts. His firm grip.

Her skin burned under his fingers, burned like the fires of Avernus that could only be extinguished if their bodies were united. How much she longed to feel him inside her. But...no, they didn't want that. That was exactly what they didn't want anymore. And it was good that way. But his lips and his hands on her breasts made her body think further. Her body that knew his and longed for it.

Saulus groaned and her hands automatically pulled Astarion closer to her. He paused briefly and then it hit her that they might be going too far.

She had no control over her lust, was going to overstep…no it seemed she already did. They agreed that Sex did not matter, and yet she enjoyed his closeness too much. In the wrong way.

Frightened, she pushed him away.

"Stop!"

"What is it?", asked Astarion irritated.

"We should cease that.”

"What exactly? We're just kissing."

"Yes. Let's call it a night.”

Astarion and the bard separated. They sat down on their knees facing each other. The Tiefling gently took his hands in hers and smiled slightly at him before Astarion leaned back a little and looked at her expectantly. She slowly pushed his hands back and placed them on his knees.

“It's getting too stifling and hot for me in this tent...I....should go.” Saulus downright jumped on her feet “I need to go."

Who even initiated the kiss? Him or her? It was Saulus herself, right? He didn’t really want to kiss her actually, screamed her inner panicking voice in her head.

She messed up.

She told him she would wait patiently whenever he was ready to have a physical relationship with her again, and she messed up.

Like the little obedient Sceleritas Fel said she would. Not in a funny bloody way the butler seemed to enjoy so much, but the in the way to destroy everything that has a meaning to her, when touched by her hands.

Saulus went to the waterside.

Dark, cold water.

Dark and cold like the frowning glance upon her unknown soul.

She slipped out of her clothes and went into the water.

She shivered only a little bit.

The ice cold sparks of the drops felt good on her heated skin.

The blank surface mirrored her reflection perfectly back with the shimmer of the moon casted by the silvery maiden of the night.

Saulus looked at her silhouette.

Her body.

Her face.

Sharp teeth, devilish tail, ridges under skin, pikes upon her shoulders, demonic horns and long claws of a monster, that torn apart the sweet Tiefling bard Alfira. Dripping from her blood.

Nobody mourned her. Nobody blamed her for her death.

Only Gale was a bit scared afterwards.

Yes, she was a monstrous demon. Straight from the hells.

Tears walled up the blue eyes with the burning sparks of Avernus in it and Saulus punched frustrated and full of hate into the water. Punching her reflection, so that she did not have to watch her devilish countenance of a monster no longer.

No wonder Astarion did not like her from the start, only slept with her that she was on his side, saw him of use that her killer rages were to his favor, not against him. No wonder he was scared of her.

No wonder he did not want to touch her no longer.

Saulus would not want to touch her either, if she were in his place.

Why would he?

He might be a ravenous vampire, but still a high elf with full of grace. Head high, perfect posture, fine lips and nose and chaw line.

And she - slowly her silhouette manifested on the water surface again and Saulus looked upon her deep dusk purple appearance…she was just a demon from the hells.

A monster with a little doomed butler that was whispering urges into her ear and soul, that made her hand twitch in desire to kill the sweet moon cleric.

She would also not touch this foul, wretched body full of pikes of a devil.

Not when there were sweet elven maiden with light skin, pink shiny nibbles and long silver hair to touch and kiss.

The other night, Saulus already wished Astarion a good night and made her camp round to bid her “Sleep wells” to everyone.

“And ducks…I like ducks”, said Halsin.

Saulus chuckled.

Astarion’s ruby eyes had left the words from his book a long time ago. At least once the bard started talking to the druid in such a familiar way.

Only his face directed towards the book, to make the appearance of reading. His elven ears were literally all ears for the conversation of the Tiefling and the beary archdruid. Big dumb mountain of muscles, flinched through Astarion’s head.

He glanced side-eyes like a grumpy cat…ready to jump and claw.

“That is incredible cute“, she said her thoughts out loud. “And I pull myself together not to say: Unbearable cute as honey.“

„Oh, I bear you to say that”, Halsin winked and the bard nudged his shoulder while both laughed.

“It is nice to hear some laughter in this shadow curse troubled lands. But I would be happier when the curse is lifted for good. Once and for all”, sighed the druid.

“We are working on it. I hope too that it takes not much longer, Halsin.”

“Thank you. Thank you for everything. Rest now and restore your strength for the tasks of tomorrow.”

“You too, Halsin.”

“Look, I had a plan. A nice, simple plan - seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you'd never turn on me. All you had to do was fall for it. And all I had to do was not fall for you...which is where my nice, simple plan fell apart” "So the nights we spent together didn't mean anything?"

The words of Astarion echoed through her head.

Now when her body wanted to lay down to rest, her head could not stop to speak to her.

When talking to Astarion after her approached at her, all she could think about was to make clear to him, that he mattered to her. Mattered to her in every way. As a person, as a friend…and yes, more as friend. But it would never inflict how she would think about him, help him, protect him.

She wanted him to know that he is valued for just being, not for his body or something he could be use of. She made clear that he is free whatever he wanted to do so. Of course, when this included being with her, would make her most happy, but she would have understood if he wanted more distance, time to think and think for himself and his true needs and desires.

At least Saulus did not the hell know who she really was. The urgings in her head were sometimes…strange.

Bloody…

Having the talk with Astarion seemed to connect them, brought them closer. But lying awake at night, it just made her…sad by now.

All his sweet words and intimacy were just an act for him. He was an actor, playing the only role he knew. Slept with her ‘cause he thought he needed to. The only way to thank her for her blood because he didn’t think he has something else to give. Tricking her into liking him, while only than she would have protected him, as she would only protect lovers and not also friends.

As if they could not be friends without him giving his body and take care of hers.

All this while she wanted to get closer to him, because she started to like him. Fell like a dumb baby bird out of its nest.

She liked him not for his looks, but his snappy words. Giggling like a dumb fool at his mean sarcastic comments. Liking the theatric pronouncing of his words, worth of a bard.

Yes, she wanted to be near to him, only him and the true one, not the façade he put up. But…she only knew the façade, so it seemed. How could she claim to like the “real” Astarion, when he showed him to her only once.

He lied to her, tricked her, fooled her.

Or could she believe that all of this was just a glance and he catched the feelings right away and did his actings still out of behavior? 

She remembered her reflection in the water.  Horns and tail like a devil.

Why would he pick someone like this over others?

“It was easy - instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in.” "So the nights we spent together didn't mean anything?" "Be true to yourself, my Lady.”

The blood-stained words of the mysterious butler and her own mixed themselves up in her head. Swirling, screaming. Red…dripping red with a murderous frequency of volume.

Saulus grabbed the sharpest dagger at the camp. Determined.

Her feet led her the way besides the Last Light Inn down to the waterside.

Quick, unseen, quiet.

She went again to the waters.

Pulled her blouse over her head and exposed her dusk violet skin to the moonlight, reflecting on the water.

But Saulus no longer looked at her reflection. She only was near the water, so the blood may drip in there and being washed away with no evidence.

No evidence…like killing the bard, my foul lady, again the voice of Sceleritas Fel echoed through her mind full of holes.

Saulus fell for Astarion. She fell so hard, that it almost hurt, she realized by now. Maybe not the tadpoles or the dark urge or the shadows of this lands were her curse, no – maybe it was rather Astarion.

She knew she liked him, really, deeply. But only by now she realized what that really meant. It was maybe a bit scary. Or at least this dark shadow in her swirly head, told her so. Told her not to be worth of loving, or making her kill a whole city for him, if she must. Dangerous thoughts, Saulus knew that they did not belong to her. That were not her thoughts…where did they come from?

She felt light, joyful, sincere, happy, loving the love. That was her. But this things in her mind – in her heart – what kind of curse of those four possessed her, to whisper such things in the Tieflings unconscious?

She bit her sharp teeth together to shake off the voice inside her.

The Tiefling needed to focus on her task.

The bard reached with the knife to her back.

The blood should drop into the water and been washed away, away into the hells she must came from.

Saulus no longer wanted to see the horrific ridges upon her skin. She hated the damn pikes of demonic wings over her shoulder blades. Taken away the wonderful white, smooth elegant skin of a elven maiden, that Astarion could really like, desire…love at the end even.

With sadness, rage and desperate determination Saulus tried to manage to reach her back properly. Began to reach the ridges of the wings upon her shoulders with the sharp shiny blade. Breathing in frustration.

“What in the sweet hells do you think you are doing there?!”, snapped Astarions angry voice suddenly from behind and sounded reproachful and chiding.

He caught her by surprise and Saulus flinched.

At that very moment she felt him snatch the knife from her hands.

„I…I…“, she stuttered, covering her naked breasts in shame, did not know how to explain to him what she was doing.

Astarion looked concerned with his ruby eyes upon the skin of her back, made a step forward and his cold hands breath a hint of touch upon her skin.

Caring and careful.

“You got deep cuts”, he whispered softly, tenderly, concerned. More to himself than to her.

“Let’s go to Shadowheart!”, he said with loud, firm and convinced voice. “Our religious troubled cleric shall heal these cuts.”

“No!”, snapped Saulus quickly and almost panicked back “Not Shadowheart. It is not her duty to heal this.”

“I think a healing potion will not help immediately against the bleedings of the wounds”, explained Astarion to make her clear the cleric was the obvious logic choice. “Or do you prefer your druid to help you”, he muttered darkly with a nitpicky undertone.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing!”, Astarion shocked his head and expelled his own thoughts, seeing they were toxic dumb and made up in his head, “I said nothing.”

“How did you get injured?”, asked the pale elf with an empathetic undertone, that she had rarely heard from him before. Astarion was surprised by himself.

But he cared. Cared for her. He glanced at the knife in his hands, he took from her. “Considering that, you hurt yourself. Why? What did you want to accomplish with that?”

His ruby ​​eyes sparkled at the Tiefling woman with a raised eyebrow. The look of his sharp eyes made Saulus nervous.

“I…”, began Saulus again stuttering.

 “I wanted to cut off this ugly ridges and attachment of wings away from my damn shoulders”, she shouted angrily in desperation. Her face a manifest of loathing, hatred, disgust against her own body.

Astarion's face darkened visibly at her words.

„What? Are you dumb? Why would you do that?” All the softness was erased from his tone and words. His face full of anger and misunderstanding.

“Look at me! I am ugly! I am a monster!”, she pointed at her body. “With this stupid tail and horns. Kagha called me a devil, everyone does…and they are right to do that. That is all I am: A demon doomed by the gods. Straight out of the hells where I should rot with my wretched body. This body nobody wants to touch and love.”

Astarion grabbed her hand pulled her roughly towards him “Don’t you ever say that again!”, he hissed, flashing angrily with his eyes.

“But…”

“Nothing but, my silly dumb devil girl”, he purred. Astarion closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Come…”, he took her by the hand to the water, „…let’s wash this blood off your body.“

Her feet could already feel the sparks of the water.

The elf kneeled down in front of her, he pulled her leather trousers down her legs. The same way followed gently her undergarment.

With almost bated breath, Saulus looked at Astarion's white curls and watched him undress her.

Astarion gave her a quick wave and she stepped out of her pants without saying a word.

After that, his skillful hands undressed him himself.

Saulus watched as the white fabric of his shirt revealed the skin of his muscular chest, which shimmered palely in the moonlight. With slightly flushed cheeks, she looked away to stop staring at him.

It was ridiculous considering that they had slept together several times. But the situation had changed and the Tiefling wanted to be respectful. To give him space and maintain boundaries.

After they were both completely naked, Astarion took her hand again and waded into the water with her.

A shiver ran through her body briefly, which was noticeable on her skin and chest. But only briefly. Because even though the water and Astarion's hand were cold, his presence was still warm.

He carefully turned her around by her shoulder so that her back was to him.

After that, Astarion began to carefully clean the cuts. With a fine white handkerchief soaked in water that he had previously taken out of his trouser pocket, he gently stroked her skin to wash the blood off it.

He didn't say a word.

He was simply gentle and caring.

His hands skillful and loving.

He was just there.

The touch of a tingling sensation felt on both of their skin as they stood in the dark water of the night. Like the touch of angels' kisses: It began to drizzle gently.

The smell of rain slowly rose to their noses.

After nothing was visible on her body except for the cuts, she had made with the dagger in a stupid attempt to cut off her wing attachment ridges, Astarion carefully turned her over. The gentle spray slowly turned into drops of rain.

He probably didn't have to try so hard. The rain would have washed everything away.

It always did, right?

Could the rain wash you clean?

Astarion looked deep into her eyes. Could still see the struggles. The uncertainty.

He put a hand on her cheek, gently stroking it before he leaned over and kissed Saulus tenderly.

His other hand gradually came to rest on her hip and pulled her closer to him.

Despite the rain and her wet hair and the raindrops dripping from her horns, her body was warm.

Warm in the dark, foggy night that was slowly turning into the day. Yes, the night was always darkest before the fog gave way to the red of the morning. They would break the shadow curse as the druid had so urgently requested and longed for and then the sun would rise here again. But first Astarion had to break the shadow over his beloved.

His cold vampire hand stroked behind her head, roughly tangled in her wet hair and pulled it tighter against his kiss. At first they had only gently put their lips together, but now their lips had begun to suck each other deeply, to caress each other. Astarion's tongue skillfully stroked her lower lip while his other hand pulled her closer to him. Her lower body pressed against his, gently and lovingly, not arousingly. The vampire felt Saulus' breasts gently pressing against his own chest, which was getting wetter and wetter because of the night rain.

Astarion felt the rain. But above all he felt her.

His beloved.

His trouble-ridden lover.

She was so comforting warm and Astarion hoped inwardly that his own cold, undead vampire body did not feel too cold for his loved one.

Yes, he wanted to have her, he really wanted to try to have a relationship. Before he lost the chance with her. Lost her to someone else, or to herself. To her darkness.

She gave him something to worry about and care for. He was not indifferent to her like he was to everything else that did not concern him. And her love for others showed him that he was not indifferent to them either. Shadowheart, Gale, Wyll, Lae'zel, Minthara, Karlach and all the others. (Halsin maybe a little)

Slowly their lips separated and Astarion's hand came back to her cheek. His forehead rested on hers.

He felt their wet hair touching. Felt the tickling raindrops dancing on their skin.

"I never want to hear you talk badly about yourself again. Never think that again. You are wonderful."

"Really?" the Tiefling asked carefully and her eyes opened and tried to look into his eyes as best she could.

"Of course. You are beautiful. And I'm not just saying that," Astarion assured her in all seriousness. "I know," he sighed, "you find it hard to believe me after I deceived you at the beginning, right? But believe me, I'm serious. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I really think you're beautiful. And despite the inexplicable, mysterious darkness in you, I think you're a kind, wonderful person."

He smiled at her briefly before his face slipped into the mischievous elf face that everyone knew him to be.

"So despite the bloody start, the evening was actually quite nice and interesting."

"Astarion..." said Saulus and gave him a tormented smile, "...can you at least be serious for once and stop making jokes? If that doesn't work, it's better not to say anything at all."

"Sush..." the elf hissed playfully and led the bard out of the water.

"Come...", he said soft and true again, so true he wanted to be from now on forever to her, "I want you to sleep in my arms. Resting with me. With horns and tail and everything."

Astarion smiled at her “And then let me kiss every single one of your ridges.”

Original Picture Posts by @aristenfromwarsaw

➹a/n: This turned out way angstier than I wanted it to be 😰

 I never had enormous tragic backgroundstory with huge lore in it like so many others. Only funny quirks maybe. At home we came up with the fun idea, that Astarion started to test whether tiefling tails are erogenous, when he got bored during negotiations with Gortash. Since then it has been a running gag that he secretly does things with her tail in public. I asked if he then tries to find out what he can do with her horns when she is sleeping until she wakes up, until it becomes a game and someone dips her tail in jam.

And then she holds her in jam covered tail tight to her with tears in her eyes.

"NO! Astarion would never ever do such things. If anything, stupid children or Akabi would do it and he would comfort her afterwards."

This is how the idea came up, that when Saulus is nervous she generally holds her tail tight like children hold a security blanket.

"What could she be nervous about?"

"Maybe her wedding day..."

And from this came the fact that she is insecure about her whole tiefling body. Maybe to help others with similar thoughts.

Especially when being with someone so natural beautiful as Astarion with his elven looks.

She wondered why Bhaal would create someone looking like that, when he had the choice of all this beautiful creatures out there in Faerûn. Given the option, he still choose this appearance for his Chosen, his daughter, his own blood. His own spawn.

It could only be to scare people, to show them horror and fear, before sweet death.

So she always tried to hide herself.

But Astarion helped her accept, to love her body and to understand that there is so much beauty out there. In every form and so many different forms out there in Faerûn. Finally she was able to see herself through the eyes of others, how they saw her, how she really looked.

Bhaal may had shaped her, but it is her, that defines herself. Worth of love.

She is big, brave and beautiful!

And I hope this helps everyone with body image problems out there ❤️❤️

I was so inspired and emotionally touched by seeing my beloved blorbos as surprise screenshot, that, for a change, I just started writing my idea straight away.

And like I know most of it won't work much and yet my brain that still wants to believe I can lose weight like that scream I should try