Sherrone Moore Fired "With Cause"
University Confirms Sherrone Moore Fired 'With Cause,' NCAA Confirms 'Cause Was Michigan Being Michigan'
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The University of Michigan confirmed Wednesday that former head coach Sherrone Moore was fired "with cause." Hours later, NCAA investigators released a clarifying statement: "The cause was Michigan being Michigan." The NCAA's official report, printed on maize-and-blue letterhead for dramatic effect, notes that the firing stemmed from an "inappropriate relationship" with a staff member, several episodes of erratic behavior, and, of course, breaking into her apartment wielding a knife like he was auditioning for a reboot of Scream: Big Ten Edition. But NCAA spokesperson Devon Halperin told reporters that while Moore's actions were "alarming, dangerous, and deeply unprofessional," the organization ultimately concluded, "Let's be honest, this is just what Michigan does for fun." Pattern of Chaos Recognition
Symbolic image of a coaching career broken by scandal and investigation. Halperin added, "Every year Michigan gives us something. Sign-stealing. Booster meltdowns. Now we're doing home-intrusion romance thrillers. It's like they're trying to collect scandals the way McDonald's sells Happy Meal toys." University Athletic Director Warde Manuel said the firing was "difficult but necessary," before immediately adding, "Please stop emailing me your coaching résumés. I don't need 3,000 messages from guys named Doug explaining how they once called plays in Madden." The board of regents issued a statement saying the incident represented "a failure of leadership," though students pointed out this is the fourth time in six years the university has said those exact words, causing some to wonder if the sentence is just stored on a hotkey. NCAA's Greatest Hits Collection
Symbolic image of a coaching career broken by scandal and investigation. Meanwhile, the NCAA's internal memo concluded that Michigan athletics has entered a "significant pattern of chaos," citing: • coaches who can't stop falling into scandals • administrators who quietly pretend everything is fine • fans who immediately blame Ohio State • and a staffer receiving a raise so big it should've come with a parachute and a disclaimer Sources inside the NCAA revealed the entire investigative team bet on how long it would take for Michigan to implode again. The winner predicted "before Christmas," earning a commemorative "I Survived Another Michigan Scandal" travel mug. Some Michigan alumni reacted angrily to the NCAA's statement, calling it "biased," "disrespectful," and "factually accurate but rude." Moving Forward With Dignity Still, the university insists it will move forward "with dignity and professionalism," strange words for an institution where the last three major football headlines read like deleted scenes from a network drama. When asked for further comment, the NCAA spokesperson sighed like a parent who just walked in on a toddler drawing on the wall. "Michigan being Michigan," he repeated. "It really says everything." Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
Satirical artwork of the university's mascot reacting to the latest administrative scandal. x
